How do I find closure with my absent father?

Question

He seems to have moved on, but I am still raw. It's a long story. My bio-father never supported my mother's pregnancy. They were both in college, and he made no effort to see me, or provide for me. He left for his home country when I was about a year old. I found him again in my early twenties, after giving birth to my own child and we communicated for awhile. I soon discovered he was still the arrogant, selfish little boy he was when he abandoned me in the first place. I cut ties with him. Part of me regrets this, but he gave me no other choice. I still cry over this. I think about how life might have been with his presence. I think about all the relatives that are oblivious to my existence. I think of my own child and that he might suffer from this void as well. I think about how this man stole so much from so many people and yet, he seemingly takes no accountability.

What can I do to move on? How can I heal?

Answer 1

You just have to let it go, it's the fantasy that you're hanging on to. (The daddy's little girl fantasy, the walk down the aisle and dance at the wedding fantasy, the wanting something other than what you have fantasy!)

You can't change the reality of who he is and in order to move on you have to accept that it IS a fantasy and that some things will never be.

Answer 2

I suggest that you shift your perspective on this.

First of all, you are not the only person who has grown up without a father. You are not the only person who has been abandoned in a permanent way. Abandonment can take many forms, including suicide and death.

It seems to me that he is losing, not you. You have all the people you have had in your life growing up and your family here. You have your child and your relationships and all the richness that they bring to your life, and he is missing out on that.

If you really need help with this, I would talk to a professional counselor to help you work out your feelings. There are lots of one parent people walking around with a lot of stories.

My personal story is that my dad killed himself when I was 10. My brothers were 9 & 8. It devastated our entire extended family in a very permanent way. That's just how it is, and if I spend a lot of time dwelling on it it makes me feel bad. That's just the way it is and I have my whole rest of my life to focus on.

I'm not saying it ever stops being a tender spot, but don't focus your energy on a negative thing that you can't change or do anything about. The world is such a huge and wonderous thing with many incredible and positive things to spend the limited time and energy that you have to spend in your whole life ....

Answer 3

I am sorry for your regret over this situation. But you can control only yourself not him. He obviously has no need of a child and is a selfish jerk.
You just need to get a grip. You are responsible for YOUR actions and not someone elses. Raising your children will be a joy you have and he will miss. BUT PLEASE be careful around your children and they will never miss him. Don't teach them your regrets.

You are a value person and do not need the trauma that comes with a relationship with a jerk.

Answer 4

I guess the only thing you can do is accept that your biological father is never going to grow up or change. I seriously doubt, given your description of him your life would have been better with him in it. Your child won't suffer...he cannot miss something he has never had. Think about the people in your life who are loving and supportive and be thankful for that and consider it your father's loss for not being a part of your life.

Answer 5

You shouldn't let this get to you. You have to understand that sometimes people can't be changed, sometimes things can't end up the way you want them to. Be closer to your mother's side of the family. Talk it out with her, because she's the one who knew him the best. Once you realize that he's a jerk, that he probably isn't capable of changing, you'll feel a lot better.
But, despite this, or perhaps in spite of it, you have to remain strong for you kid. You should do everything possible to ensure that your child has a mother and father to look up to, and that he or she never has to go through what you've gone through.

Answer 6

my birth mother gave me away at age 5 so she could marry her b/f and well you will never get over it 100% but, you can think without it bothering you so much if you just hang in ther it does get better i do talk to my birth mom very little and well it hurts alot but as far as my father i never new him cause i don't think she knows him for real. but just think of it like this if he had know part of raising you will then you will end up a better person then ever was or could be.....find convert in your family you have and forget as much as you can...good luck

Answer 7

You need to accept that this selfish person has done nothing for you and probably nothing would have been different if he had been around. Selfish means selfish - just because they are around does not make them a good father. You have done nothing wrong and haven't missed out. Believe me!

Answer 8

Get some counseling to help yourself deal with this loss. I think that in time you will be able to move on with out him. He is the one to miss out on his grandchilds life, and one day he will regret this. For now, just take care of yourself and your child that is what is most important.

Answer 9

I don't know if we ever can really fully heal. I know you don't want to hear this, but I know how you feel and it can be very difficult. I would maybe try writing a letter to him that you will never send.

Answer 10

You are too great a person to have him do this to you.
Your child will not suffer because of your void. Tell yourself this three times a day and you will find it to be true.