I have a really serious question! Please Help Me!?

Question

It seems like I am the only person who can't remember anything about my childhood...whether it be good or bad...the only thing I can remember is being raped at 9 yrs old, I cant remember anything from before or after the abuse, only a few minor details...like being the 1st one to learn to tie my shoe in pre school..and I remember 1 incendent btwn my dad and my ex step mom where my dad threw my mom up against a tree when they were fighting...I know it sounds weird..but that's all I can remember up until about the age of 17 [I am 19 now] Why cant I remember like any of my childhood?? What's wrong with me? Thanks in advance!

Answer 1

You may have blocked it out. Sometimes when things are especially traumatic, the brain has sort of a cache function when it comes to memories. It will store them all, but may not let the conscious mind access them all, because they were too painful. Some find they still have nightmares though.

This happens quite often in these kinds of cases. It may take many sessions of therapy to help you emotionally deal with them enough to remember.

Answer 2

You are right, that is not a good sign. I'd be inclined to ask about the circumstances of the rape, and who did it. If this is someone you knew, it's possible that it actually happened more than once. It would be a cinch that you would block out some of those memories. Another thing about the rape experience was how you feel about it- for example how traumatic it was.
I used to always it assume huge trauma until I met a woman who said she was molested and it really didn't bother her that much.
Even if the one time you do remember was not so terrible, other ones (if they did happen) may have been very different.

At 9 years old it is unlikely that you had much context for trying to understand what happened. On one hand you would not likely understand what was happening. On the other, you would probably not play a huge head trip on yourself about "how you are supposed to feel" about it. But if it happened again later, especially if the repeated events were by the same person, there could be a lot of head trips there.

At a young age, if you saw violent behavior between your parent figures, you might also blame yourself for it (as in, having done something "bad" to cause the stressful situation to happen). Young kids do the same things that adults do- they try to create a story in their minds to "explain" situations, even those that they can't possibly understand. Sometimes the story that they create, is more damaging to them than the actual experience was.

I admire your guts to try to face this stuff. It isn't pretty, but you are probably right to try to shine some light on it, and that if you DON'T make peace with it, you will drag it around like a piece of concrete. And it will affect your ability to have relationships, both romantic and otherwise.

My general advice is to find a counselor that you trust, and spill your guts. It will take more than an hour. Be prepared to spend at least several months of ongoing visits on this. It may or may not be worth your time, to find out some more "facts" (such as what was really going on between your dad and ex-step) and if you have any siblings, what they remember. Some of those memories might be able to stimulate recollections for you- or they might have some stories about you, that can fill in some empty places.

One warning: once you start digging into this, it is likely that it will get worse before it gets better. But, as they say in therapy, "the only way out, is THROUGH".

Good luck.

Answer 3

The person who referred you to the information about post-traumatic stress disorder is very likely to be on the right track. People sometimes get that from undergoing a severely upsetting event (or series of events). I'd say that if you can consult a qualified mental health professional about this, that might be the thing to do. Here's another reference for you to read: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm . Why not read that and see if you can relate?

Good luck!

Answer 4

Suppression is the mind's way of keeping sane and dealing with the trauma. If you really want to remember, go to a counselor or a psychiatrist and be prepared to go through the trauma.

Answer 5

See PTSD, and sexual abuse: minors, at http://www.ezy-build.net.nz/~shaneris on pages 33 - 34, and 20. Your unconscious mind has repressed painful memories. One way to access them, and process and integrate them into your adult personality, if you are sure you are prepared to undergo the unpleasantness necessarliy involved, is to use hypnotherapy, or psychotherapy.

Answer 6

Maybe your so shocked about being raped and that's one of your unfortunate highlights that you can't remember anything else!
Hope I helped!
Laceyy

Answer 7

Read: the myth of sanity - there's a story of a woman who dissociate and when they did hypnosis to get into her subconscious she discovered much severe abuse. physical, sexual and emotional.