How should I handle this?

Question

I am 33 yrs old and one day I was hanging out w/ my Aunt and we went over to a friend of her's home where my dad does odd jobs.
I happened to tell my mom we went and saw him at the friends house and she got angry. My parents have been divorced since I was 5 yrs old, as he was abusive.
Well when I told my mom I had seen him she got angry and called him names and said I could no longer see my Aunt.
I know she has a right to probably still be angry w/ him about the abuse but when she said I couldn't see my Aunt anymore that really hurt my feelings,as my Aunt is the only person I can speak w/ about personal issues because when I speak w/ my mom she raises her voice and when I ask why she raises her voice she accuses me of starting a fight w/ her and to just drop it.
I am just wondering how I should handle this and why does she raise her voice when I try to speak w/ her calmly?
I would appreciate any healthy/good advice...thank you.

Answer 1

my good, healthy advice is to surround yourself with the people you are comfortable with, and with whom you feel good.. your mother doesn't seem to fit the bill.

you are a 33 year old woman, and i think you have the sense to make your own decisions about who you associate with. so, if you want to continue to spend time with your aunt, then do it...

i'm sorry you and your mom have issues... she seems to be carrying around OLD baggage in regard to your father... she really needs to let it go, after over 25 years, you'd think she could have at least accepted her bad experience and moved on to better things.

sometimes people have nothing but old misery to cling to.

do what is right for YOU.

Answer 2

It sounds like your Mom has her own problems which are not your problems. It does not matter what relationship she had with your Father it was HER relationship not yours. She does not have the right to interfere in any relationship you make or have with your Father. You start to question whether her views are to one sided and there is more to the story than you know. On the other hand she could be terrified that you might actually end up building a relationship with your father and you'll end up on his side. She is very insecure and her insecurities have her being controlling. To interfere in the relationship you have with your Aunt is not right as it is family and if she wants to end up driving a wedge between you this is the way to start. She is demonstrating destructive behaviour and you need to some how speak to her. You could try writing a letter to her and leave it on her pillow. It will give her a chance to take a deep breath and read it while you are out of the house. Let her know how very much you love her and really depend on her. That you need to be able to talk to her. This might help and give a chance for a better understanding and hopefully a better relationship. Good luck!

Answer 3

I feel that your mother has a right to be angry at your father but not at you. You are her child, not her baby. You are an adult and you can see anyone you want, whether it be your abusive father or your wonderful Aunt.

I don't know your mother personally so I can't say if it's because she's worried about you going through the same experience or if its just her being selfish and imposing her opinion on you.

It sounds like your mother will never change - her trying to drown out your opinion might be because she feels it may be the only way to be heard (as you mentioned, she was abused before). But as for dealing with the situation, I'd recommend reminding your mom that while you love her and will take careful into consideration her opinion, you are an adult and the final decision to see anyone will be yours.

Answer 4

For one thing did you not say that you were 33 year old! I understand your loyally to your mother but, do you have to tell her everyone that you see and everything that you do? Blood is thicker than water when it comes to your aunt I do not see any reason why you can't see her anymore if you stipulate to her that you would rather that you did not go to this friends house when you where with her because of the fact that her and your father are whatever they are to each othe, if you can't go without mentioning it to your mother. My question is what is your relationship with your father? That was not mentioned. To avoid an altercation with your mother since the area of your father seems to be a sensitive one, do not mention him and if she brings him up just listen and don't make any comments. It could be very possible that he brings up old wounds and she may still be going through deep hurt behind him and if this is not taken care of by counselling or spiritual healing she will remain hurt and will not be able to move on with her life and feel that she has no self worth and blame others for her afflictions.

Answer 5

this is very interesting to me, now this is just my personal observation...here goes: this almost sounds like she's taking on the role of the aggressor. she was abused -- her own voice squelched, she was probably put down, made to feel small, unloved, she had no power. Now she holds the power (so to speak) by raising her voice, she can freely call him names without fear of retailiation...i think she wants the rest of the world to be just as pissed off at him as she still is. this is a really tough question to answer, she may need some good counseling to get throug this and to put your relationship right. i'm not sure if trying to talk to her about it would do much good right now. i hope this made any sense at all...good luck~