marriage counselor (MC) or sex therapist(ST)?

Question

For the past 6 years ( 2 boys later) my wife and i have had sex maybe 10 times in 6 yrs. she is just never in the mood. we do both work like other families and kids in school and stuff but find that is no excusses for our lack of sex.
if i really bug her about it then i get the "lets just do it" sex and stop bothering me. no emotion or nothing, no kissing just me on top, put it in and finish. before kids, (3 yrs) we had get and wild sex3 or 4 times a week. but now i am going on 10 months with no sex and the last time was "would you hurry and ***".
she tells me she still thiniks i am sexy and loves me but just doesn not feel the need for sex anymore. she has been checked out by a DR and they said everything is ok with her, so tell me, what am i suppose to do. i will not leave and be a weekend dad. i could not bear to not see my kids everyday and choose to suffer but feel the need to talk. 6 yrs of bottle this up isnt working.
so much more to say, but who should i talk to, MC or ST?

WOW, thank you for everyones answers. believe me i have done everything and more that you all gave for ideas, still nothing. i actually do help around the house, cook, get kids ready for school (she picks them up) and clean also among the manly chores she doesnt do. i think i may have to talk to someone soon though by myself. my parents can see the change in us and she had me almost open up to her, but i cant lay that on them. need to talk alone with someone who wont judge (as parents do for there own). would love to talk more with others on here in same situation. why you stay and how you do it. need some ideas. thanks again

Answer 1

Women have an extremely busy life in comparison to men. That is not to say that you aren't doing enough but to say that your wife has to deal with many, many issues that you don't necessarily have to deal with. You have already said that both of you have to work to make ends meet and on top of that she most likely takes care of much of the housework, the cooking, the childcare arrangements, the doctor's appointments, the taking children to school, staying up with them when they won't sleep and/or when they are ill, the grocery shopping, the laundry, the clothing shopping, the entertainment for a frustrated child, etc.

She may just very well feel that she has to be Super Mom and that the house is never clean enough to keep the children safe and away from harm. She may also feel quilty that she has to work and leave her children to be raised for part of the day by others instead of being there for them which can add an emotional exhaustion on top of physical exhaustion to her everyday life.

Men tend to be ready, willing, and able to have sex even when mentally, emotionally, and physically drained yet women tend to feel that when they are mentally, emotionally, and physically drained that their partner should just accept that they can no longer function and sex is just one thing too much to add to their list.

She could also feel that having babies has taken a toll on her looks or that the babies might need her in the middle of sex leaving her to feel more guilty than excited about your interactions.

If there is stress at her job then she could be bringing that stress home trying to deal with it on top of everything else.

Make more attempts to help her out with the house and the children, re-delegate her duties by agreeing to do some of them for her. Bring her flowers for no reason, leave her notes of love in her items that go with her to work, call her during the day and tell her how much you miss her. Establish some me time with her such as a set day or two of the week when you go out together and someone else handles the kids. Even if you cannot afford a babysitter or that extra money to go out there are other ways you can accomplish this such as asking a relative or a neighbor if they can work something out with you and perhaps you can do the same for them. It doesn't cost much money to find a nice hilltop to watch the sunset, a bottle of cheap wine, and nice music. A walk along a beach or in a park with a place to sit down and chat about your future together. A stop at your favorite ice cream joint and then a stroll through a mall just to window shop. A picnic by a lake or river with something you made or something you picked up for the outing such as a chicken dinner.

Tell her how much she means to you and that you miss all of the wonderful times you had together in the beginning. Let her know how much you appreciate all of the things that she is doing and that you understand that taking care of two little boys on top of everything else must be quite exhausting. Remind her that she needs some down time, some time to just stop and enjoy life and that you want to help her to have that time. And let her know that you need some special time with her too. Remind her of your most beautiful moments sexually and how she made heaven and earth move for you.

She needs to know that she is SO loved and that you would do anything for her just to be with her is special yet you need to spend a little more time being intimate. If she cannot find time for you sexually after that then you need to find out why. You can do that without the Marriage Counselor or the Sex Therapist if you can just get the alone time going and really start conversing more. You need to tell her how you are feeling without making her feel guilty, you need to listen to how she is feeling without thinking that she is nagging, and you both need to really find an understanding. If none of those things work then perhaps you need the counselor but I would opt for the marriage counselor first and explain to her that you just need to understand what you and her can do to fix things so that you are both happier.

I really don't think it is about the sex and deep down she probably misses it as much as you do.

I hope things work out great for you both.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Sounds like a tough situation, but believe it or not I've seen and heard worse.

First off, I would definitely see a marriage counselor. A marriage counselor will help you to rule out the fact that her lack of sex drive is a mental issue. If it is, an MC would help you both figure out what it is. I've counseled couples that have had sex issues (or lack thereof) and about half the time, it has something to do with what's happening in the marriage. In other words, either one or both spouses has issues with the other spouse.

Secondly, see a sex therapist whether the Marriage Counselor deterimines the problem is in her (or your) head or not. The two of you would have to re-learn how to be intimate with one another. This has lasted for 10 years. Whether this is a marriage issue or not, that's a lot of "sexless years" to unravel

Last, I'd have a talk with her about it. I know you probably hear this all the time, but you have to give it a shot. Let her know that you appreciate the fact that she still thinks you're sexy but she's not showing it (actions speak louder than words). Ask her if it's you. Chances are she'll probably evade all of these questions, tell you you are sexy and say it's not you. Then bring up the fact that you'd like to see a marriage counselor and a sex therapist. Initially she'll reject it because having to see an MC or a ST to a lot of people is admitting failure, or some sort of defect. But let her know that the two of you cant' get through this alone...I mean for heaven's sake, you've been married 10 years and you can count the times you've had sex. That's NOT normal and do NOT let her or anyone else tell you it is.

Now don't push her about it, but be persistent. If she continuously rejects this notion, she may not WANT to fix the problem and if that's the case, it may be time to think about ending the marriage. I HATE to say that because divorce is totally the last resort but if one or both spouses don't want to fix the marriage, then it's obvious there's no love in the relationship.

As far as cheating is concerned, it's possible. In my line of work, there are two explanations for a woman (or a man) that has a really low sex drive: 1) Hormone inbalance (in which case she'll have to see a doctor; a hormone inbalance could possibly be it. If an mc doesn't help and a sex therapist doesn't help but she WANTS to fix this, there may be a problem with her hormones) or 2) An affair. Not to say there aren't other reasons but those usually account for abou 95% of the cases I work.

Good luck

Good luck.

Answer 3

No quick answer here. Does she unnerved by her lack of sex drive? Since she saw a doctor, I'm leaning towards yes. What I don't like is the "hurry up and get it over with sex". This is scary, to me at least. If she was cheating, though, she would probably feel really bad about it and be TOTALLY avoiding you or trying very diligently to make it up. I'm going to say that you should seek Marriage Counselling first. The reason I say this? It seems that married couples, especially after having children, somehow forget that they are still a couple. You need to keep feeding that fire of passion. Sex, while enough for most men, is not enough for women. She needs to feel loved and cared for. She needs to feel that you still want to sweep her off her feet after all these years. Remember, just like before you had kids and had all that sex; you probably did more "dating", romantic dinners, flirting, flower sending, etc. Be honest, are you still doing any of that? She must also understand too that with children, she may have to accept a few interuptions to those romantic evenings with kids crying and asking questions while you two are curled up with wine, chocolates, and a movie. She can't allow those sweet interuptions to take the romance out of the air. See, 10 years from now...you'll give anything to have those interuptions back. To get them back, you'll have to wait for grandchildren. Then you'll appreciate those the things you should have appreciated when your children were little.
Go to Marriage Counselling. Find out what's going on. Find out what YOU can do! And then DO IT! Embrace your youth, both of you. Love and marriage are about doing everything within your power (and attempting stuff that is out of it) to make the other happy. Think about it. If you do everything you can to make her happy, and she does everything she can to make you happy...how can the marriage fail? How can it not be the most amazing experience for both of you? Good luck!

Answer 4

I'd start with the Marriage conselor, less threatening but still can chat about the reason why you don't have sex. If that doesn't quite work for you then try to sex therapist. From what I understand there are some relationships that will go thru these ups and downs of sex, have you thought about having someone take care of the kids and whisking her away to a romantic weekend? Maybe put her in the place where it's sexy and the sex will come. No pun intended!

Answer 5

I don't think it's about being dumber, it's more about using arguments that make one look ignorant. A few common examples of this are Appeal to Tradition, Appeal to Majority, and Appeal to a False Authority. Fallacy: "Gay marriage is not right because millions of American oppose it. In recent polls, the majority of Americans just don't want it." Why it's a fallacy: This is an Appeal to the Majority. Just because the majority people believe in something, it doesn't make it right or fair. Remember, the majority of Americans once also believed that segregation was the right thing to do. We have a Constitution to protect people from this Tyranny of the Majority. Fallacy: "Marriage has ALWAYS been between one man and one woman! Who are they to change that?" Why it's a fallacy: This is an Appeal to Tradition. Just because something has always been one way or the other doesn't make it right. Children were always forced to work in industrialized society until we outlawed the practice. The world was always thought to be flat until we found out it wasn't. Fallacy: "The Bible says homosexual acts are a sin." (When used as an argument) Why it's a fallacy: The Bible isn't a universally accepted authority on morality.

Answer 6

Sounds like she just has no sex drive at all. That does not make her a bad person, just a tough match for you.

I am not sure if any type of therapist is going to make things any different. If she does not have the desire to have sex, it will not be any good anyway.

If all other things in the life with her are going pretty well, I think you need to let the truth sink in and learn to please yourself sexually. Masturbation can be a lot more than just a bit of spit and a quick stroke. If you can learn to "F" yourself with your mind, I bet you will find at least some mental release to go along with the physical.

Answer 7

LOL, I really don't know how to start my answer !

I'm sorta in the same situation as your wife, so I will try to give you my opinion. I am assuming she hasn't had any type of surgery (hysterectomy). I had a hysterectomy a couple of years ago and it has changed my sex drive. It's not that I don't enjoy it, I just don't have the desire to "Initiate" it.

If this is the case with your wife (Surgery) My OBGYN doctor told me, when I spoke to him about it, that there was medication he could put me on to help. I believe it was tostesterone or something like that. It's not that bad with me yet...so I opted not to take any. Maybe you and your wife could both talk to her gynecologist and find out if that is something he would recommend for her.

Hoped this helps :) Good Luck!!

Answer 8

Id use both, it doesnt neccesarily mean that she is cheating either.
Have you tried to get away for a weekend without the kids.
She is probably that exhausted from amusing two children all day, the last thing she wants to do is amuse you.
Take her away for a weekend, romance her a bit.
Dont make it seem like such a chore.
She may have some self esteem issue as well.
Good Luck

Answer 9

You need to talk to her seriously about your needs. Ask her if she would mind if you find a discreet friend if she doesn't want to have sex with you. Maybe the two of you could make it a project together. She could help you pick out a lady. If she is not okay with you having a friend, then you need to let her know that the alternative is either more and better sex or divorce. If she will give you her permission to have a friend, then it would not be cheating.

Answer 10

Dear Paul M,

I think you should see a marriage counselor first. You could even check with your church if that type of counseling is available. As for having no sex, that's a symptom of a marriage problem (not sex therapy) not the problem itself. Good luck!