Rude or not???

Question

I went to a wedding last weekend (brother of my fiancee) and we have had 3 weddings in the last 2 1/2 months in the family... (one of which is ours coming up in 2 weeks). My children and my fiancee were all in the wedding... Due to the cost of out of town hotel rooms, 2 tux rentals, gas to get there, food while we were there, a flowergirl dress and various other expenses...( home bills ) I didn't have the time to pick one up nor money to give a card at that time. (which was also the case with his sister) I planned on sending one this weekend with a check in it... How rude is it that the groom called us and asked why we didn't give them a card... (this happened the next morning as we were driving home) Then he called his parents and sister and complained to them also!!!! I thought you had up to one year to send a wedding gift! Am I wrong to feel offended???

I do have to state that I spent over $100 on her bridal shower gift! Now I think I am more embarassed that his parents mentioned it to us then him actually calling. THe bride has been HORRIBLE the past few weeks... which adds to the pain of it all

Answer 1

that was extremely rude
in fact, time honored etiquette is that guests do not bring gifts to the wedding - they are to be delivered to the home of bride or groom before the wedding or to the couple's home after the wedding
of course, it is commonplace these days for gifts to be brought to the reception
But under no circumstances is a bride or groom EVER to contact a guest demanding a gift - and it is in bad form to mention to anyone the absence of a gift (or to belittle what gifts are given.)

You can either:
1) take the high road and send the gift you had intended to give
2) send the gift, and include a note saying that you are sorry for causing distress, but that you wanted to send your gift to them at their new home (or to the new Mr and Mrs if they were already living together)
3) send a card of congratulations, sans gift
4) if you're truly ticked off and don't care to continue your relationship, then ignore them

I do wonder how quickly your fiancee and children will receive their thank you notes for being in the wedding.....

Answer 2

I do agree that it is rude to call the person who didn't give a gift especially the next day HOWEVER I think it's more rude to attend a wedding and not give a gift. Now here me out!! My daughter got married a little over a month ago and there were quite a few people who did not give a gift. Etiquette or not, I personally don't agree with "you have one year to give a gift". People forget and hope the bride and groom will too.This wedding was planned for over a year and everyone got save the dates so they had time to save a little for a gift. Also, when a gift and not even a card are not given it puts the bride and groom in a difficult and uncomfortable situation. First it makes it difficult to know how to send thank you cards and second, it might put tension on the relationship. My daughter and her husband got some very nice gifts but they also got some interesting not so expensive gifts, and that is OK. At least the people who couldn't afford to give an expensive gift acknowledged this special event and their relationship with the bride and groom with a small gift and well wishes. The people who gave nothing, not even a card to say congratulations made the bride and groom feel bad. It's not about the gift or money it's about respect for the relationship you have with the couple. It's about wishing them happiness etc. No, I don't agree that their presence there is enough. In this day and age, gifts are taken and sometimes lost. In my daughters case there are few people, who she knows are not in a financial bind, that she keeps wondering if something could have happened to their gift. She doesn't want to assume a gift was not given if it in fact was and is lost. This is a very hectic day and anything is possible. This is why it's important to at least acknowledge your intent in some way even with a card and well wishes, but to come empty handed is down right rude and very distasteful. And besides, there is no way these people WITH THEIR GUEST could have gone out for formal evening of good food, fun and entertainment for FREE.

Answer 3

It was absolutely rude for him to call you and complain to others, downright tacky.

However, I'm sure I will get a "thumbs down" from some people, but I do think you should have at least given them a card that said something like "wedding gift to follow". A $2 item from a gas station on the way to the wedding (or even a handwritten note or quiet whisper for 30 seconds) would have eased their minds. I think "a year to give a gift" is really for people who are not close to the couple.

In a strange way, I think your wedding coming up made your lack of gift even more noticeable than it would have been normally (even for brother of the groom). They probably were especially planning on noting what you gave them because they were probably counting on seeing what you gave them to decide what to give you!

Unfortunately, this may mean that they won't give you anything and some of the relatives won't show up to your wedding or give you gifts if you don't find a way to handle this diplomatically. Don't start a rift so close to your wedding!

Answer 4

A gift IS NOT required to attend a wedding (although most would agree that it may be "tacky" to attend without one). It is the bridal shower attendance that requires that you bring a gift (or are supposed to).

And yes, people should expect that some people may not be able to give a gift upfront due to financial reasons and costs associated with the wedding.

They are horribly rude to assume that their guests are obligated to bring a gift. A gift is exactly that. Their greed is showing, and it is rude and inappropriate.

If they were following up weeks later and said something like: "We are doing our thank you cards and wanted to make sure you did not give us a gift that got misplaced", then that would be acceptable, because it is not unheard of for gifts to go missing at weddings. You don't want to miss sending a thank you card to a guest.

But what happened to you is horrible and rude. I can't believe anyone would do that. You have every right to be offended and you should call them on their rudeness.

Answer 5

Wow, completely rude! I can't believe he felt comfortable calling and asking that, his mother definitely did not teach him proper manners. It is acceptable to send or drop off your gift after the wedding day, but a card is not acceptable to send later on, just the gift. Cards are too be brought to the wedding with you and held at your table. When the bride and groom come around to each table to greet each person or couple, you are supposed to hand it to them then when you say congratulations. Soooo many weddings now are done differently and people forget how weddings and ceremonies used to be done. Congratulations on your wedding in few weeks, may God Bless the 2 of you with much happiness and continued success in your marriage year after year.

Answer 6

WOW, maybe they are not aware that wedding gifts are OPTIONAL, yes, its the normal thing to do, but still optional. They are hosting a get together for their friends and family. They should have just been happy that you made it. Also, they see how much money it costs to have a wedding, also, your husband and your kids were in the wedding, so that is another huge expense. I would say go ahead and send them a card, and check anyway just so you don't have to deal with them at family functions...but understand that what he did was rude, not you.

Answer 7

Holy cow, that is soooooo tacky and rude as to be unbelievable. Are you sure you want to marry into a family like this? Your fiance's parents should be embarassed by the bore that they have raised. You do have one year to send a wedding gift and are under no obligation to send one at all. Dear Abby would have a field day with this tacky family.

Answer 8

That was really rude!! I guess they had nothing better to do then to be greedy and call up all those who didn't leave a gift for them. Don't worry, you do have a year to send them something, which they don't even really deserve after a stunt like that. Plus, his sister didn't send them one yet. did they call them demanding a gift from them too? How rude. Oh well, just take the high road and don't let it get to you. They are the ones who are totally greedy and rude and you have nothing to feel bad about.

Answer 9

Yes, that is extremely rude. And you are absolutely correct. You do have up to a year to send a gift. And, I would think that they would acknowledge that you had many expenses to participate and attend the wedding...and if they had any sense, they would realize that that WAS your gift. You are being extremely kind to send them a card with a check! I would tell them to go take a flying leap!

Answer 10

Yes, he was rude. Should have been happy with you attending, especially with your own wedding coming up so close. Congratulations. Did his parents or sis say anything to you? I would just politely remind the rude brother that you have had a lot of expenses recently, that you will get it the mail with the week and tell him to keep his opinions to himself in the future.