Without being a nag, what is the "appropriate" way to get a man to do the right thing?

Question

I am so tired of people making excuses for men ... "He's a man and you can't nag a man or he won't do this or that" or "He's a man so if you want it done you have to do it yourself". When does a man have to step up to the plate and take responsibility for his own actions? That doesn't make sense.

But what I am referring to is cleaning house, doing laundry (other than his laundry), grocery shopping, paying bills, listening to issues, etc. My husband shuts anything out that isn't what he wants to hear about and it makes me so mad. He does clean but he only cleans the kitchen when HE wants to cook something and it's too messy. He does gather and set the trash out for pickup once a week, and he does mow the lawn once or twice a month. Other than that, he does what HE wants to do as HE sees it necessary. I used to clean all the time but stopped after I saw he didn't think he had to. I cook when I get ready. Maybe I'll run an errand that he asks me to or maybe I won't.

It depends on how I feel. But I can say that the house being messy, bills being out of order, laundry being backed up, bothers me way more than it does him. But whenever I try to talk to him he ignores me. He will get up and leave the room or leave the house. He'll become very sarcastic and treat me as if I'm invading his life. Business is business and we are married, so business needs to be discussed. He acts like I'm nagging him, so what do I have to do to get him to do what's right instead of trying to dodge and get away with it.

I cannot and will not accept somebody purposely dodging responsibilities and getting angry in hopes of discouraging someone from asking them to do something. If I have to do it, so do you.

Answer 1

Honey--here's some advise that perhaps your momma forgot to tell you: If you want your man to start respecting you and paying attention: Close Your Legs.

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Yes, Close down your "Candy Shop" until you get 100% respect and cooperatation. God gave your "honey" to you for a reason: It belongs TO YOU--and its up to YOU to give away your "sugar" ONLY when you are being treated GOOD and RIGHT. Why are you laying down with a man who treats you like a slave? Your body belongs to YOU and you have value!The sooner you realize this--the better! STOP sleeping with that man until you get some RESPECT...Begging, pleading, nagging & writing letters will NOT work. What will work is if you close your legs, and refuse to lay down with him until you get the respect you deserve!....and I dont care how many "thumbs down" the so called "men" give me on here--what I'm saying is Truth. And none of these men would want their daughters sleeping with a man who doesnt even respect them. Everytime you sleep with him, you telling him that ALL he is doing is acceptable to you, and therefore you are ALLOWING yourself to be emotionlly abused.



EDIT PART 2--------------------------------------------

IN ADDITION to what I said, It sounds to me as if you are sincerely having a Marital Crisis. Its not about the fact that your husband will not help out with the household responsibilties: The real problem is that your husband actually ignores you and invalidates your thoughts, voice, and opinion by leaving the room, leaving the house & becmoming angry whenever yuo try to communicate your thoughts. Any marriage councelor & psycholigist will tell you that a marriage is built upon Trust, Love, Support, & COMMUNICATION. The fact that your husband refuses to support you with the household, or communicate with you is highly disturbing and very troubling. It sounds as if he is being emotionally abusive to you by in-validating you as a human being. He also sounds like a very controlling man: he becomes angry when you question him, so he leaves your prescence to tell you that he has all the control, and that he will only accept full obedinace from you..It sounds as if you are at a serious crossroads in your marriage, and you must decide on whether or not you are willing to go on like this. Could you see yourself living like for the next 5, 10 years? If not, then you will have to take steps to get serious Marriage Counceling. If your husband is not willing to get counceling, or at least sit down and have a Family Meeting about what you clearly need from him--then you must decide if this marriage is worth saving. I dont know if you if you have children. If you do--then you should probably be more willing to work this out and try very best. If you dont have children--you need to realize that you can either get out of this marriage now while you are still young & beautiful enough for another man to want you--or you can stay and waste all your beautiful, young years on this man, until you get so old that no one else wants you anymore.... If I were you and had no kids, I'd be packing his bags, taking his belongings to his mother--and looking forward to a man who will truly love me, respect me, support me in all ways, and treat me like a Queen. Life is too short, and I'll be damned if I waste my precious years in a miserable marriage. God did not send you here to be de-valued and mistreated in your own home.

(I'm a Teacher, and I've seen black women in your situation time & time agian)

Answer 2

One thing you have to remember is you cannot MAKE someone change. Nothing you say will ever MAKE him do things as you want them. That being said, a man that respects and loves you will want you to be happy, so frame the conversation from that perspective. Talk about YOU not HIM. Tell him that the mess around the house really bothers you. Tell him that you feel like you are shouldering more than your fair share of the load. Tell him that you need more help. Tell him SPECIFICLLY what things you need help with. Men actually don't see the mess the way we see it. Just telling them to "help out" more won't make things clear enough for him. Also, make a point to illustrate to him clearly all the things you actually do. It's easy to not notice that the house has been cleaned, when you weren't there to see the cleaning happening.

Refrain from making "YOU" statements. Don't tell him "YOU don't do this or that" or "YOU never help me"...those sorts of things will only make him defensive and he'll shut you out. Make him understand that this is all about how you feel overwhelmed and underappreciated, and these are the things that you need to feel repected and valued. If he's any kind of a man he'll listen to that, otherwise you may have to rethink spending your life with him.

Answer 3

Well, not sure if this meets your qualifications, but I'm a full-time working mom with a husband who's in school full time and who is also a stay at home dad, but I tell him, "Look--I go out and work full time so we can live this luxurious (jokingly, of course) lifestyle, the LEAST you can do is laundry, emptying the cat litter box, cleaning the bathrooms, etc. WHAT do you do during the day that is so important that you want to live in dirty conditions?" Honestly--with *most* men I've known, they really don't care...but with my husband, I don't care. Stuff needs to be done, I'm tired of doing it AFTER I've worked a full day at the office (AND commuted an hour) so I lay a guilt trip on him. If we were the ones who got to stay home, we'd have it done, but men don't...why? Like I tell him...I get done MORE ON ONE SATURDAY than you do ALL week. Isn't this a problem? Every once in a while he gripes, but I tell him again and it gets done. I think it's the job of an average, nagging woman...

Answer 4

Do YOUR laundry and the kids' but leave his where he throws it. If he can't clean up after himself, leave his dirty dishes at his place at the table until the next meal, and serve him only when he takes his old dirty dishes into the kitchen (at least!) If you really want to give him the message you are going to have to live with some mess yourself, but if he sees his things pile up he will be forced at the very least to have a talk with you about it. Now, when he does, you don't need to be harsh or have an angry attitude, just lay out that he is expected to do his part. If he doesn't pay the bills and it's his job, don't do it for him, let them go delinquent. It's hard, but if you want to send him the message for real, you will have to make those sacrifices.

Having said all that, you need to realize you can't change others, only yourself or how you deal with situations that really bother you. One way is to make it clear what you will and won't do. Another way is to decide what you are willing to live with. Make a list of the pro's and con's. If he is a good dad, for example, and makes time to be with the kids, you may want to ease up on the housework demands. Maybe not! I do know where you are coming from with all this!

Answer 5

He's your husband and acts like this? What was it liked when you were dating or engaged? Did he pay more attention to whether his house was clean, or did he just let it go to pot?

You can't force someone to do something they don't want to do; my mom has been trying to get me to be a better housekeeper for my whole life, and it's never been successful. I just think I have better things to do than dust and vacuum; I don't want to spend my whole life dusting when it's just going to come back, and it's a waste of my time. She'll come over, tell me my house is a mess, and she "taught me better than that". Drives me crazy.

Instead of saying, "CAN you do the dishes?", say, "WILL you do the dishes?" Of course he CAN do the dishes or pay the bills or shop for groceries; the real question is WILL he? And if he WON'T, it's not a fair and equal partnership, and you need to make sure he listens when you talk to him about this. Don't accuse him, don't make him feel bad about it, just tell him it hurts when he doesn't help with the chores. Maybe he doesn't feel appreciated when he does do these things; you don't notice them or you start nagging about something else, and he thinks he can't impress you so he stops. Be kind and gentle when you speak to him; if he says he's too tired, tell him you understand but you're tired too; maybe you can do it together; thank him for his understanding. Kill him with kindness, they say.

I hate to admit it, but while it's grossly stereotypical, reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" can provide you with insight into this situation. John Gray talk about these very issues in that book, so you might want to check it out from your public library.

Answer 6

Let another man do it. He will step up to the plate then, unless he really doesn't care about you or how you feel about his lack of responsibility.

Unfortunately my husband is the same way (gotten better). He would not leave work to get the children if needed and I work in a court room environment so I couldn't leave. He works in an office atmosphere and much easier to leave.

So, one day I had enough and asked a male friend of mine to go get the kids. Unknown to me, the school had called my husband too so both guys showed up at the school at the same time. My husband was not happy that 'another man' was there to pick up his kids and he started taking a little more stock in when I need him to work with me as a team.

Answer 7

Wow.

I think you have bigger problems than just a messy house. The fact that your husband would leave the room (?!?!?!) while you're trying to have a conversation is just beyond offensive. It says to me that he has no respect for you, whatsoever. I can't imagine why you'd stay with someone who would treat you so poorly.

If you're actually willing to stay in that type of relationship, maybe you should start stacking HIS dirty dishes and HIS dirty laundry on HIS side of the bed. Cook only for yourself, and wash the dishes you use for that (you might want to hide a few things so that you don't have to wash his dirty dishes just to cook for yourself). Show him how much of the mess he's creating. Maybe he'll see the light and start helping out.

For the record, I wouldn't categorize him as a man (nor do any of those "excuses" work for me). I would definitely categorize him as a childish, selfish little boy.

Answer 8

well I have learned that you cannot change a person no matter how hard you try. it sounds like he tries and maybe you need to pick your battles. it also sounds like he knows what he is doing and is getting nagged at and is getting sick of it and doesn't want to hear it because he knows what he is doing! if he doesn't want to talk about it - give him a few days and then write him a note or email. say honey I do XXX on these days. do you think on these other days you can help me with XXX? I'd really appreciate it thanks! and if not then what days can you do XXX and I can do it another day? Make one night a family night that you and he do nothing together -snuggle and watch movies or go out so theres is nothing to worry about and make a promise not to bring anything up.
I don't what is truly going on and i'm not there I'm just going by the info you are providing here! sounds like you guys are just stressed out though. yes he does have to take responsibility just help him through it as he has to help you too- try what I suggested! and good luck!

Answer 9

Well, I think you've gotten off to a good start with your new responses to his behavior. But I think that you really need to sit down with him and recite your post (verbatim) to him.That way he knows how you feel about him not "doing the right thing". He's your husband, so he should at least be willing to hear you out. If he's not, then send him an e-mail, letter, or text message. Heck, print it out and tape it to the fridge! If that fails, then I agree with Lady Luck, don't give him any. He'll be ready to listen then! Get his attention and have it out with him. No women should be treated the way that you're being treated, sis.

Answer 10

Yeah....Not sounding too great. Very inconsiderate and sloppy it sounds like and you did marry him...However if it were me in this situation...this is what I do to get my point across without saying a word.
1. Laundry.....Do only your laundry and pile his up out of the way in a hamper.
2. Clutter Cleaning....Assuming he has a space all his own (like an office in the house) Pile all his clutter in the middle of his floor forcing him to clean it.
3. Dishes...well that is tough you will probably just be stuck doing that yourself.
4. Cooking... Cook only for yourself before he comes home have your dinner.....When he inquires about food just say with all the cleaning you just haven't had the time to cook and you had only a sandwich.

My husband and I share responsibilities.... Grocery shopping belongs to me ... house work to us both.....Lawn to him....laundry to me ... dishes to him and cooking us both.

Anyway good luck to you....that is a tough position to be in.

Answer 11

You don't have a marriage. If he will not listen to you find someone that he respects to talk to him to find out what he is really thinking. Passive aggressive behaviour on your part will not work as you have tried that. the real question you want him to answer is "does he want to be married?" If he does then things will have to change. If he does not, you can continue to be unhappy or you can leave. My spouse and I had to put things in writing. Here is what I want and here is what I am willing to give. Either both people have to participate or call it quits. Your guy is taking you for granted. He does not believe you will leave.