My hubby thinks I should tell my mother about my search?

Question

I have decided to find my bio-parents. My husband wants me to tell my mother that I am searching. I really don't want to. I don't know if I'm even going to find anything. I don't know if it's going to hurt my parents feelings. I just don't know. I would much rather keep it to myself until I know that I have found her and know that I want to make contact with her. My husband has told me that if I do not tell my mother that he is going to. At this point I pretty much want to kick him in the face. It's stressful enough just making the decision to search and I don't need this on top of everything else. How can I make him understand that I don't want my mom to know right now?

* Princess - you are not married or adopted, are you?

Answer 1

My bio-parents gave me away when I was 2 days old. If I ever made the decision to look for them I wouldn't tell my parents, it would hurt their feelings. Just tell your husband that if you find anything that you agree to tell your parents otherwise you are not going tell them anything.

Make a deal with him!

Answer 2

You should try and reason with your husband. Tell him to look at it from your point of view with his own parents. If he were adopted would he want to tell his own parents, and if he found nothing would he want to put his parents through the wondering of why you are looking. When I was sixteen I decided to look for my birth parents, I told my mom what I was doing and she seemed to be ok with it. She is a diabetic and In the following weeks her health changed, she had reaction after reaction and the way she acted toward me was different. I quit looking and she got better. Now that I am older I realize how selfish she was, but I still think that had I waited until I found something, things would have been a lot different. It is only my opinion and everyone has one but I feel that you should wait until you find something out, and I hope that you do. Your husband should respect your wishes and either help you or keep quiet. I hope I have helped you. Good luck!!

Answer 3

This has to be something you are comfortable with. Your search has nothing to do with your adoptive parents. Searching doesn't mean that you don't love them or that they didn't love you. Perhaps you can convince him of that?

When I started searching, I didn't want to tell my adoptive parents. I knew that it had nothing to do with them or our relationship. But I was still afraid that they wouldn't understand, that they wouldn't see it that way.

I finally did tell them, less than a week before I found my natural mom. I'm glad I did, but I still don't know how my adoptive dad has taken it. (We don't talk about anything all that much. We never have. But we have a decent relationship anyway.) And I know some adoptive parents don't always do well with it.

This has to be your decision. It is your relationship with your parents. How you conduct it is ultimately your decision. I would hope your husband would understand that. If he is going to give you ultimatums... Well, I don't know. I would want to kick him, too. That's no way to treat your spouse (the ultimatum, I mean).

It is a difficult decision to make, and he should be supportive of you. Try to explain the stress it puts you under. If he can't understand that, then he's simply not being fair to you.

Good luck with everything. Searching, your husband, your parents... everything. I know it can be an emotional roller-coaster. Hopefully, your husband can come around and be supportive of you.

Answer 4

This is your decision not his. He needs to respect your wishes and keep his mouth shut. My adoptive mother knew I wanted to search so it was not too hard to tell her that I was searching and that I found bio-mom. If you do not wish your mom to know, then don't tell her. If you do not find your bio-mom, then there would be no reason to mention it to your adoptive mom if you think she would not take it well. I don't understand your husband's stand on this. Why is it so important to him for your mom to know when you don't know if anything is even going to come of your search. He needs to back off and let you tell your mom when you are comfortable with it. You may never need to tell and he would have started drama (potentially hurtful) that was not needed.

Answer 5

This is your issue, not your husbands!! When you are ready to tell your mother that you are searching for your b-mom, you will tell her. You need to sit down with your husband and explain to him that under no circumstances is he to tell your mother. You do not want a third party telling your mom that you are searching. If your adoptive mom loves you, she should support you in this quest. If you really think about without your b-mom bringing you into this world, you would of never met your adoptive mom. Whatever you decide to do, I think it will be best if you had a support group.

Answer 6

This is one of THE biggest problems with adoption.
Every man and dog likes to tell us - the adoptee - what's best for us.
They've been doing it since the day we were relinquished from our mother's and then adopted by our adoptive parents.
We have two sets of parents.
Society doesn't GET this.
Usually our adoptive parents don't GET this.
That's often why so many adoptees wait until their 30's and 40's to search - because they finally feel strong enough to say - hell yes - I want to know more!
I totally understand your need for holding information close to your chest for now - my a-mum told me from a very young age that she didn't want me to even talk about my first mother - let alone look for her - as it would 'hurt' her.
WTF.
People who aren't adopted are often the ones that say the most hurtful things - as they have no idea of the emotions involved.
If it helps - lead him towards some adoptee blogs to read - as there are so many out there that have feelings very similar to yours.
Sadly though - from experience - and from stories I've heard from adoptee friends - your husband will never truly understand what it feels like - but hopefully he can 'grow' some empathy - and at least try to put himself in your shoes.
Would he allow you to go behind his back and tell his family something that he wished to remain quiet??
Many adoptees end up not telling their a-parents about wanting to search - or even about finding their family of origin - as the grief to the adoptee is just sometimes so intense.
The pull-push-pull that goes on between parents - all wanting a piece of us.
And all we want - is just to find out who we are - and be loved back by all.
I wish you all the very best.

A great adoptee forum if you feel the need to vent -
http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php

Some adoptee blogs -
http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php?topic=2805.0

Answer 7

I think your husband is right. You should talk to them. Either way your adoptive parents are going to feel hurt and scared. But if you are honest and up front with them instead of doing it behind their back I think then they will see that they raised a pretty caring person and you never know they may have some details to help you in your search. Good luck..

Answer 8

I think your parents have anticipated this since getting you -
and knowing one day this is possible. I would think he'd respect your wish, until you find your birth mother and decide how that goes - if he doesn't support you and goes to your mom - I'd try to tell her first.
I am sure he feels for your 'mom' and doesn't want her hurt too
but this is your life - he should respect you for it.

Good luck with everything. I hope you find what you are looking for and that it ends well - :)

Answer 9

I was adopted and opted to find my birth mother about 6 years ago. Please be careful. It doesn't always turn out for the best. To tell or not to tell should be entirely up to you. I was lucky enough to have parents that were secure enough to allow me to go on my journey. I was very nervous to tell them, because I felt like I was somehow betraying them or they might think they were bad parents. It was all in my head! They were great about it and actually encouraged it. I think these are feelings that only people like us can associate with. Good luck my friend. And keep a very open mind.

Answer 10

Oh, wow. I had heard about this tale, and there turned right into a communicate on yet another team i'm on that, being from Korea the position superb information are kept, the authorities ought to enable the relatives of those little ones recognize and then announce to each and each and every of the questioning relatives of global adoptees that the relatives of the deceased little ones were notified so thousands of individuals doesn't be questioning. i wager that could unlikely on, :( shame on Holt. they have a sturdy attractiveness, yet they ought to enable the relatives of those little ones recognize.

Answer 11

Your husband needs to BUTT OUT. It is not his place to tell your mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG, I'm just furious about this. Yes, I'd seriously want to kick my hubby in the face if he said/did such a thing.

This is your life, your decision, and it involves you and YOUR biological parents. You are an adult. It's got nothing to do with your adoptive parents, so it is totally, completely up to you what and whether you tell them.

Good luck with your search and, hopefully, eventual reunion. (((Hugs)))