Advice on dealing w/ parents constant fighting?

Question

All my life my parents fought & Ive never been able to let my feelings flow and take care of myself. But it's so hard. Last week my parents got in a fight & still ahven't resolved nething (theynever do). so today my mom was like ,"Tell your dad not to put his dirty dishes around im sick of his messes." And they always talk bad about eachother behind eachother's backs to me and my sister> Sometimes I feel like I lose concentration of how I feel in between their fights. Or like I dont even have emotions to begin with. My self esteem gets hurt too. I told my mom today I don't want to take care of her dirty work and she said, "No your not doing that." But she doesnt take my emotions into fact but rather its lke I either have to be in debt to her and be used to be "a good daughter" or I'm selfish and "like my father". It's so frustrating sometimes! What should I do to finally stand upfor myself because sometimes I feel like i don't think about my feelings sometimes and don't get vulnerable.

Answer 1

You didn't give your age, so advice is a little more difficult. Quietly ask each of them if they think their constant fighting and running each other down is really a healthy way to raise their children. Explain to them that it is tearing you apart inside.

I don't know if they will listen, but it's worth a try. Unfortunately, you might be better off if they divorced.

Answer 2

I know this is hard because you have to live with them both, but for the sake of your own emotional well being, first you must refuse to carry messages between your parents. It's so common for disputing people to "triangle," that is, to focus the negativity on a third party who then feels most of the stress and pressure of the conflict. It will take a lot of strength for you to refuse to be a part of their conflict, but if you can manage that, it will take you a long way toward realizing that they are themselves and you are you, and you are not responsible for their problems with each other. The second step is to say, and you will have to repeat this constantly, and to both of them: "I don't need you to tell me bad stuff about my mom/dad." Or in some other language that works for you, to assert as well as you can that you are not interested in hearing what they need or want to say to one another but don't have the ability to say directly. Taking yourself out of the triangle, and helping your sister to do this as well, is a first step to living more healthily in a difficult situation. I feel for you, best wishes.

Answer 3

Aw, I know how you feel. I'm not sure how old you are, but for me, unfortunately, when I turned 18, even though I still lived at home I started spending less time there and avoiding my parents as much as I could. I just found things to occupy my time: school, work, working out, and friends. I felt like my parents were so wrapped up in themselves that it really wasnt worth it to talk to them because I knew that they didnt care enough to change. I love my family, but they are adults and really it's their choice on how they interact with one another. Even though it's wrong for them to bring you in the middle of everything, realistically they are probably not going to stop, no matter how much you tell them. For me, I had to learn how to become independent and to just learn from their parenting mistakes. I can't let it get to me because no one is perfect. I suggest if you find yourself really struggling and having no one to turn to, to seek guidance from a school counselor. It's sometimes really great to get an outside view, and to sort all your issues out with someone that is experienced in these things.

Best of luck!

Answer 4

That kind of position sucks! Tell both your parents not to tell you anything about the fights or anything negative about the other parent! Also - if your mom asks you to tell your dad something for her -tell her to do it herself!!! And tell her to grow up while she's at it!

Sorry you have to go through that - but the only way it will stop is if you tell them to stop involving you!

Answer 5

I know I am guilty of this, but when you are angry at your spouse, I guess you want him to know about it. That is all you think about at that time. You get so frustrated and don't realize how this will effect the kids. I know we have to watch what is said in front of kids, we just seem to forget when we are in the heat of things. I am not your parent, but I am sorry for all the kids who have to listen to us parents behave like we do. We know you do not deserve this.