Actual Label Instructions?

Question

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO
ROOM TEMPERATURE
BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

Answer 1

The all time worst...
On a bulk size package of peanuts - May contain peanuts.

On a sealeant for windows to keep out cold drafts in the winter - Use in well ventilated areas (and just how am I supposed to do that? Open the window I'm trying to seal????)

Answer 2

Oh, that was so funny!

One of the rather stupid things written on my daughter's math HW pages is "Write the correct answer." Is that implying that my daughter and her friends fail ON PURPOSE?

I got sent a couple of Chinglish pictures from a friend. My favorites would be the sign over a riverbank advising Anglophone visitors to "Take care to slip;" a biscuit box labelled "Complicated Cakes" and - this is hilarious - a seafood menu item translated as "Thunder Crap." If they mean crab, then forgive them. If they mean what they write, then amen.

Answer 3

I bought some decongestant tablets. It says on the box:
Avoid alcoholic drink
Keep out of the reach of children

(Americans: ask an English person to explain why this is funny)

Answer 4

Lovely!

Answer 5

this is actually serious. On a box of Bounce Dryer Sheets:
Avoid direct contact with fabrics.

Answer 6

I'm glad my chainsaw has one of those high-tech chain brakes, My daughter is just happy to exist.

Answer 7

i really enjoyed reading them you cheered me up for the night but now i wont be able to help myself when i buy anything to read the instructions very good

Answer 8

should have put a warning on this joke. laughing can cause many stars

Answer 9

thats is really funny thinks for making my day better

Answer 10

thats brilliant, havnt heard those before