I have a 3year old little girl who spent most of her time with me since she was born with my husband being in Iraq. He would often worry that she would not know him or even come to him. He is now home safely but the problem is that my daughter only wants to go with him and will only listen to him not me. I try to play games and be the fun mom that I use to be but nothing works keep in mind that he has been home for a year now and it's only getting worse. If I ask her to do something or don't do something she reply's my daddy said I can do it or I don't have to do it because my daddy won't mind. She knows how to go to him and get something when I say no she can't have it or and he doesn't know that I said no but he feels that she should be able to do whatever she wants. I am a parent who believe's in time out and coming down to her level but nothing is working anymore and it hurts to the point that I cry because I miss our bond. What do you think I could do.
Please help a lonely mom
2007-11-09 05:37:28 · 8 answers · asked by Debbie 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Toddler & Preschooler
please talk to your husband but only do it in PRIVATE as u need to present a united front and yes do explain to your little girl that she cant do this anymore, your husband is laboring under the assumption that he is doing her a favor but he is doing her a great disservice with this type of behavior, and u need to be consistant and START NOW cause if u dont guess what is going to happen when she runs into a teacher, employer, cop judge ant they tell her she cant do what she wants then u and her will have a major problem, children want and need limits and if they dont get them the behavior continues to get more and more outrageous as they are testing to see how far u will let them go. to place limits on a child is an act of love and responsibility wanting her to grow up a loving kind caring considerate human being instead of a manipulative brat that cant stay in school, keep a job or stay out of jail as they think they can do anything.A PARENTS JOB IS NOT TO BE A CHILDS FRIEND IT IS TO BE THEIR PARENT . a friend dosent make the tought decisions, there will be time to be your childs friend when u have molded them with love to be loving young adults. this is the toughest job in the world to be a responsible parent even when the person u love most in the world [your child] tells u they hate u when they are teens and angry the only thing u can do is tell them at that point i love u enough for both of us. the attitude too will change, stop this now while u still have time while she is still young good luck
2007-11-09 06:10:38 · answer #1 · answered by Dale T 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm just guessing here, but when your husband returned (thank you, by the way, for the sacrifices your family made there), did he pretty much spoil her and become the "good cop," to make up for being gone for such a long time in her life so far?
Your problem needs to be addressed as a parenting team, not really with your daughter, initially.
It's totally understandable that he would go light on the discipline and the rules, because he wanted to get her to love and enjoy him. I doubt he even did it intentionally. But these differences in parenting styles are going to hurt her more than help her as she gets older, because she's learning she doesn't have to listen to you, she doesn't have to follow rules, and she doesn't have to behave, because Daddy said she didn't.
I don't know that I would mention how upset you are over the missing bond between you and your daughter, seeing as he had to go a LONG time without ever even getting the chance to bond with her, but you should definately tell him you need his support when it comes to your daughter. Anytime one parent undermines the other that way, it's really not helping anyone involved. You need to be taken seriously, and so does he. And really, your daughter needs steadfast boundaries, and the best way for that to happen is for the parents to put up a united front.
Encourage your husband, remind him that she loves him to bits, and that won't change if he starts enforcing some rules. It's just something that's got to be done.
Originally, you were THE parent. You had the dual roles of playmate and cop. Now, he's clearly taken over the playmate part, leaving you to be the only one who is the "meanie." That's why she isn't interested in games and fun with you so much anymore, because he's completely removed you from that role.
He needs to pick up the slack and be 50% of the enforcer job, and that will allow you to work your way back in to 50% of the fun parent job.
2007-11-09 05:55:55 · answer #2 · answered by CrazyChick 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Anytime that one of you agrees to have the child do something, there needs to be a united front. When the child says "My daddy says no." Then take her to the Dad and the two of you discuss the problem (quietly calmly) with the child there. It reinforced the problem, the solution and that the child can not easily get out by blaming one or the other. She has to know that you are as much in charge as he is.
As for the bond, plan a day out for just the two of you. You don't have to do anything special, just be together, go to the park, visit places you used to when dad was away. Reinforce the fact that you and your relationship has not changed simply becuase he is home.
2007-11-09 05:45:49 · answer #3 · answered by Marvinator 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You need to talk with your husband and let him know that, while he's very happy to be with his little girl, he is severely undermining you and making things difficult for the both of you.
You don't want your daughter acting like this when she's 16? Well, that's what's going to happen if he doesn't get it.
And don't worry about being "fun." Good parents aren't always fun. Good parents make the right decisions when it comes to their kids, fun or not.
2007-11-09 05:46:38 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, I think the problem is with your husband, and that is causing the problem with your daughter. She's not listening, cuz just like you said, she basically doesn't have to and she knows it. You need to talk with your husband and set some ground rules for your daughter to follow, ones that you both agree on. Make sure you get across to him that it's better for her to have limits and rules, as opposed to not. She's not going to start hating him now that he's back, just cuz he's setting some rules for her, even though that's probably the way he feels. As long as you two disagree on things and your daughter knows it, she's gonna keep going to him to get her way and any rules you had will be out the window.
2007-11-09 05:48:30 · answer #5 · answered by angelbaby 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Talk to your husband about it and then have a family discussion. Let your husband tell your daughter who the boss is. I would also try crying in front of her if you haven't already. Everyone gets too big for their britches sometimes, so just show her what the consequences are--even if you have to act a little. If she does not console you then I have no idea what to tell you.
2007-11-09 05:48:21 · answer #6 · answered by Daniel K 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sit down with your husband and explain how his letting her do any and everything is hurting you. My daughter did not listen to me after my divorce and she said the same thing my daddy said I didn't have to. I did time out with her and I took things away until she started to listen again. the key is going to be having your husband back what you say. He needs to tell her to listen to you too!
2007-11-09 05:47:00 · answer #7 · answered by shandebar 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This book works wonders:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/0380811960
2007-11-09 05:57:07 · answer #8 · answered by TryItOnce 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋