Is my mother in law prejudice?

Question

My bf and I were at his mothers home the other day for a bday party for his son from a previous marriage. As we were leaving I overheard his mother ask the ex-wife if her son goes to an all white school? While the little boy was sitting on the steps. I'm black and they are white. I came back to the door so we can leave, then she held up a paper plate whispering to the ex-wife about it some more. While waiting in the car, my boyfriend said that his mother hopes I was not offended by the comment and she was worried. We went back inside and she told me more then I heard in the conversation. She said the black school by her house singled out white kids. The ex-wife she told that to lives 45 min away from her in a nice area of town. We live in Virginia by the way for a job offer my b/f got. She says she not racist, but my bf tolf me when we 1st started dating, he changed my name to sound white for his mom. What do you think of this? I am not going anywhere near his family anymore

I think she was upset because I caught her making that remark. I am not a racist by any means at all. I did not mention or go back in time of history with what white people did to black people and how she needs to be concerned about school shootings, sex offenders etc. I am here to protect my kids from bad people and teach them right from wrong. My b.f parents have a church and my bf says his mom is a Christian and I don't mention to her how she makes judgemental remarks everytime I am at her house and how she tries to control her grown childrens lives. I keep that to myself, but that racial remark really set me off.

When he told me he changed my name for his mother, I thought it was odd but at the same time we lived his Seattle and I NEVER thought I would meet her period. I spoke with her over the phone for the last 7 years, she sound very nice. She is a preachers wife and her son makes her out to be perfect. No one is and her family has done scandalous things I won't mention, she has no idea I know about it. But I didn't mention how they are white and her husband did nasty stuff while preaching, nor what her other son or granddaughter did that makes it hard for them to get a good job. I was mad for being classed as all black ppl are bad ppl.

KatG,

I had to go to the door to get my sons jacket off the coat rack, I was not eavesdropping and even if she had a comment about black ppl, she needed to wait until I was out of the house to make a comment. And besides the ex wife could have been offended by it and she is white.

Answer 1

A person cannot be "prejudice". That's like a person being "love".

You sound prejudiced, however. She sounds fine.

Answer 2

I know your feelings have been hurt--and I am afraid that she is racist, and just doesn't realize it. If you have a serious relationship with her son, then I truely think you need to sit down, perhaps with a counselor to better facilitate the conversation and eduacte her what racism is, let her know how much her comments did hurt you, and try to reconcile this relationship. She is simply ignorant--not necessarily stupid, but ignorant about this topic. Remember, we tend to be afraid of what is different from ourselves, and I think this happens with all races. It is a shame, because it is what is on the inside that counts. Since her grandchildren are involved, she is being way overprotective of them, so I implore you to not judge her too harshly. She seemed to really be concerned if you were upset, so that is at least something. There are some people out there that are so backwards in their thinking that they would not give you the time of day just because you are a different skin color. I can't understand why your bf would change your name? That seemed rather odd, and I would be pretty upset about that. You guys really need to have a real, open dialouge about this. This problem is not going away, unless you get fed up and leave. Best of luck to you--and I think you are great--period!!!

Answer 3

Apparently his mother is not thrilled about her son dating out side of his race. Your bf is aware of her feelings. He made that known to you when he told you that he changed your name to sound white. After hearing that did you really expect anything different? His family will always be a part of his life, if you want nothing to do with the family then don't date the guy.

Even though what his mom said was not to nice it was not directed at you and you should not have been listening in on a conversation that had nothing to do with you. I think you took it to personal as every race and every religion has been prosecuted at one time, not just the blacks.

Answer 4

Hi... i am sorry you are going through this because it seems to have caused you some pain.

I think that there are lots of people out there with some underlying prejudice, and i also think it's because of the way we were all raised.. not just her.

While, we all try to accept others at face value, there can still be some prejudice....

I think you mother in law was wrong to talk about this at all... and especially while you were present... I'm sure your boyfriend's ex wife will do what is best for her child, and send them to a school which is "safe" in her opinion.

I don't think race makes a person good or bad -- it's what is INSIDE which counts.

take care of yourself, and i hope you will realise that sometimes people do stupid things! hugs

Answer 5

It does seem like some of her opposition to you is influenced by your cultural background, and that's a same. There are seems to be a personality clash. Just don't spend more time with her then you need to and relate your concerns to your husband. Hopefully, he will respect the fact that you don't feel close to his mother and will keep it at that.

Answer 6

Hmmmm...I'm not sure if she's really a racist or if she just doesn't approve of inter-racial relationships. Neither attitude is proper, but I'm just wondering if she would like you if you weren't dating her son.

I have a question for you if you don't mind answering it....just out of curiosity, when you found out your boyfriend changed your name to sound more white when he told his parents, how did that make you feel?

I am bi-racial and my husband is white, but I dated a couple of guys who couldn't handle ignorant people staring at us and friends saying things that were equally ignorant. My husband and his family have never had a problem with my ethnicity and would stand up to anyone who has a negative perspective on the whole inter-racial dating/marriage thing.

Back to you, though, I would stay away from his mother until you figure out just what her problem is. Your children don't need to be around such things.

Answer 7

She is pathetic and sad. There's probably nothing you can do about it, but you will have to deal with her as long as you two are together.

At least you know her true colors, and as a preachers wife, you know she's more worried about how she looks to other people than what's truly brewing inside her heart.

Keep your heart's focus on your boyfriend, and let the success of your relationship with him ruin any negative opinion she may have of other races.

Her pathetic racist generation is slowly passing on, and one day we won't have to deal with garbage like that anymore.

Answer 8

First off you might as well split up,the old saying
" when you marry you marry the family".She also sounds like a your average stupid redneck sorry if im being too blunt,but someone that speaks the way she does and claims not to be racist is a dangerous person in the way of offending people
especially chilren.If he loves you he will support your fellings.

Answer 9

I can understand your concern... Ignorance is bliss isn't it! I wouldn't stop going around his family. People do not grow & learn to accept other's when we run & hide. If you do this, you are no better than they are. And we both know this isn't the case. Give your bf the benefit of the doubt for how he went about introducing you to begin with. Then give him a ton of kudos for loving you enough to stop feeling inferior to what others might think! Remember this... you cannot change people... but you can give them a good "idea" as to the possibilities of what you are really about!

Answer 10

Watch the company that you keep, she could be and from what you stated she may not be, every one deserve a second chance in life. Your friend may not know how his mother would accept his having someone of the opposite race. I say give her another chance but keep you eyes open