My brother is an alcoholic. I don't know how to deal with it.?

Question

My brother is almost 27 and hes been doing drugs and drinking since i was little and i have never really dealt with it. he's threatened to kill himself. i dont know how much longer i can do it. ive grown up in a hard home and i know how to deal with sober people but not drunks. me and my brother always end up gettin in physical fights rarely ever verbal ones and i dont know what to do anymore. please is there anyone that has gone thru what i have. it there anyone like me?

Answer 1

Well don't talk to anyone that say's "he will never change" (playing God). Stay *very* far away from those kind of people because they will try to turn you into them instead of being supportive. You already know of his abuse of alcohol and addiction to drugs, and they can't and won't respect that knowledge. They are "do nothing about everything" people. Ya, well the root word of ignorance is *ignore*. There are also those who would like to see your brother "hit bottom" drama so they have a job or something to do/gossip about- possibly get him started on pots of coffee which will be another addiction he has to get over with the same withdrawl effect (hang over feeling/headaches). That is moreso where they are themselves at the bottom to be teaching to stop one addiction and start another..what's up with that? They are bored fixers who assume they know it all. You have to know a family background IN THE TRUTH to be loving and that is not going to come from a person who has a habit of being manipulative and crossing boundaries of other people left and right.

Live your life healthy - take care of your spirit. Let him see you doing so - and don't walk around on eggshells around him to the point of losing your boundaries to his manipulative behavior or when dealing with safety issues. But, don't have the attitude that you are trying to turn him into you and your personality. He will see healthy and possibly want healthy but accept that is up to him when it comes to health but becomes up to both of you if it involves your relationship with him. Remember that he is a person first before his habits: a person who is choosing not to take care himself by drinking and doing drugs who needs to choose to do differently if he wants some peace/health in his life. He is also a person who has feelings, hidden goals, and is being very lazy at expressing love...but it's in there. As for you tough love does not run away but sometimes needs a break ok? Your breaks CAN be pampering - everyone should have a positive activity of their own once in awhile anyways what ever their interest.

People who allow themselves to become addicted to drugs and alcohol are also addicted to being manipulative and are very controlling - they are perfectionists to the point of assuming everyone should just put up with nasty treatment from them and just accept negative behavior - grandiosity. You do not have to accept any negative behavior at someone's elses demand. You do that by setting boundaries. Those who abuse are well aware of anyone who encourages or makes excuses for unhealthy behavior because they say so. Ok, so set boundaries don't run and be healthy enough to not see him as your habit also...in other words, what you are use to - let that heal as well. My hubby had a lot of resistance to his stopping of the beer "I don't like you anymore, you've changed"...I couldn't believe it. This doesn't apply to everyone so if I've jumped the gun please disregard. I'm only noting this because *some* related and not related to people who abuse their life and others get very mad when the person starts to heal or has healed. There are many people that respond childishly to those who are setting personal boundaries during their healing process. I also am very aware of this as I've had people try to forcefully tell me my loved one IS drinking when I knew he wasn't so they were choosing to add problems to my life on top of hubbies left-over behavior patterns. He was still dealing with negative behavior habits minus the beer and here comes those who are addicted to assumption (very nasty) instead of accepting and respecting that I was setting boundaries. I've seen it and I've learned there are more addictions out their than people drinking too much beer that's for sure. Learn to say "it's none of your business" "that is false" and "ya, well there you go thinking again" it took me a while to realize I don't have to hush around these people either. People who are addicted to assumption/drama are very controlling. They will be the first to call you a very controlling person if they see the abusing as being picked on. Children like drinkers (of course, they aren't consistant) and so these people respond like children who want to control and beat down those who know the difference between right from wrong. You have to take one step at a time right along with your loved one but have a life also. It requires some serious balance and it may be a bit more challanging for a wife but I don't know due to the fact it's a marriage but then brothers and sisters will always be too. My brother is surrounded by enablers right now...he doesn't NEED that on top of his other negative choices of abusing. I get how you feel. I knew him before as a child without abusing and I know my family. My step-mom needs a drinking partner and dictates my father to do bad things while she says she has nothing to do with it - on the flip my father is controlling because he wants to behave like a baby instead of a adult. The end result is that she has located her son right next door to her keeping him reliant on her need to drink/dictate. He has been told I'm dangerous...I'm sure I am to her and a man in his sixtys that wants to stay behaving like a juvenile deliquent. They have a history of luring rebellious teens as well while getting patted on the back by local government needs. So, *people* who encourage minors to steal and then some getting help from people who need crime and personal failures etc to continue so they get paid. These people tried to make me feel like I was nuts because I SAW what they were doing and spoke out against it.

~~~~~~Wife to a man who used to abuse beer many years ago coming from a very unhealthy family full of controlling enablers and people who do not respond well to truth - who cares. There are those that are codepent on a system who tries to use laws to hide their agenda of telling drinkers things that will keep them drinking and TALKING constantly about the negative. Ya well, today my hubby drinks a glass of wine on average occassion..not patterned. I did not save him I walked with him while he was saving himself - while still holding on to the difference betweeen what I would allow in my life and wouldn't allow. At times old patterns appear - I react the same w/boundaries and don't give a rip who says he's doing it because "I let him" - he's doing it because he's making bad choices in socializing period because they love to argue and procrastinate - in a marriage that includes two it's going right not wrong period it's going to get done. Too many assumers tell the non-abuser they do not exist and that the abuser has no love within them - WRONG.

I was not married to my husband when his drinking started and yet I've gone thru some serious rock throwing when I did not comply to stupid theories (secondary problems - thanks a lot ). I'm committed to my marriage...they will have to get over that I'm not their something to assume all over or to direct to emotionally or physically divorce. You may not be dealing with a marital relationship but you are blood related so if you have the strength use it but don't let yourself lose you.

Answer 2

I know this is 6 years old and don't know if your account is still active but I can totally empathize with you, I have a alcoholic brother that's 28.. has been since I was a little kid I don't even know.. but it sucks soo much it has been really bad the last 4 - 5 years and has not gotten better, getting worse. Ive tried prayer, talking to him, talking to his friends, it is so confusing, hard, not only on you but your family, I can only imagine what your parents feel.. actually my parents are going to kick him out for the nth time some time this week. Im afraid my brother is going to be a bum and die some wheres. Its so embarrassing too, not only on our brothers but yourself, like I hate when people ask me how my family is doing.. (****) like always, living in a dysfunctional family sucks im just glad im out of the home, there is no way I could go to college and deal with that ****, it gets me so angry but its no use anymore wasting words, harboring broken promising, I don't belive a word he says no more, I haven't seen his eyes clear in months.. you will be in my prayers definitely and I wish i could give you a hug because I know exactly what you are going through have no idea how to handle.. if yyou need anyone to talk to feel free to email me.. but best of luck to your brother and I hope he gets clarity in his life..

Answer 3

You need to go to Alanon. It is a group for families and friends of alcoholics. They will not tell what to do about your brother, but you will learn (by listening, sharing and reading) that there is a better life out there for you. Alcoholism brings a lot of insanity into our lives. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There are millions of us who have been affected by someone else's drinking.

You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. But you can find help for yourself whether he stops drinking or not. Please check it out.

Answer 4

First off, you need to know that this is a decease, and it is hard for an alcoholic to stop until he knows why he is drinking. You fighting with him, only makes him think that his drinking is validated because you all hate him, so the vicious circle starts all over again. If you have Alcoholics Anonymous around then you need to contact them to see how you can help him. For you to further understand go to alnon meetings. This is for families that have alcoholics and need to know how to cope with the decease. Narcotics Anonymous will help deal with the drugs, plus drinking, because alcohol is a drug. Their meetings deal with all aspects of these problems. You need to walk away from him, instead of getting in fights, it ends up destroying you, and only fuels his need to drink more.
If he threatens to kill himself, then that is a cry for help, and you can have him commeted to treatment, because he is a threat to himself. He might not like it, but after being forced to be sober, he might understand that you loved him enough to want to give him a life.

Answer 5

ther is nothing you can do.. you can say anything do anything spend all your money on rehabs and aa.. it wont work..he has to do it for himself.. and the chances of that happening are very slim.. so you need to except that it what he has decided to do..he knows what he is doing and im sure it hurts him deep down inside..but he has to make the decision to stop and he has to have the controll to stay "stopped"
put yourself in his position..you dont care, its youre life and body and now your addicted and starting to care less and less every day..do you think any one person would be able to change you?? probably not.. you have to understand the way he is thinking and feeling in order to really realize that there is nothing you can do..and unfortunatley he will never tell you how he really feels, so yeah like you said you need to deal with it for yourself.. its hard to watch someone you love fall apart and take the brunt of their anger.. but just like he decided to do this you need to decide to do whats right for yourself and if that means moving or kicking him out then thats what you have to do.. as hard as it is, as helpless as he may seem it was his decision and he has to take responsibility for himself as do you for yourself..
read this book ,it should help you understand his side of the story a little better and you may be able to cope better yourself..good luck :)
"A Million Little Peices" by James Frey

Answer 6

Why dont you join a support groupl like Alocholics Anonymous.I am sure they have support groups for relatives of alcoholics.Even if you just sit in a meeting and meet these people would be good for you.

Answer 7

you can't do it yourself. ask someone for help. there are rehabs, and people concerned (NGOs) that could help you. try to find them and seek advise from these people. don't give up on your brother.
Godbless and Goodluck!