4 year old being prejudice?

Question

My daughter has her birthday party coming up but when asked from her class list who she wanted to invite she only left off 2 little girls. I found this odd & asked her why? She replied that she did not want those girls to come because they speak different to her, I explained they are polish but still she got really stubborn & said "NO!" I tried to explain the differences in a positive way with the help of my mom but she is steadfast. She has not learned this at home. Is it just being 4? Or is she picking up stuff from other kids at nursery? I do not want my child to be a bully or want her to be in an enviroment where this is happening to anybody. I have threatened to cancel the party unless she invites these 2 little girls but she just throws a tantrum? Is my daughter horrible?

Answer 1

I hope its not what all kids go through! My daughter is 3 and activily seeks out the outcasts other kids wont play with and makes them involved.

In nursary she was quite popular, mainly because she's an excellent talker so would "speak" for others who couldnt. i.e wanting juice etc. She'd say "Emma wants juice, shall I get it" etc etc.

So when a little girl came who had no vocabulary (spelling sorry!) she stood up for her, left the group who had shunned her, and played with her the WHOLE day! The nursary staff obviously noted this, and when we went to pick her up, she had the new girl in with the main group playing as if she'd been there ages.

I accept some kids can be mean, and maybe your daughter is "hanging around" so to speak with someone who is pushing the two polish little girls out, and its rubbing off on your daughter?

Id point blank stop the party, because either....
A. Your going to invite them against her wishes,and they will feel outcasts still.
B. You dont invite just the two of them and be seen as racist and nasty.

You cant win, unless she agrees to make a big effort getting to know them before the party, or there is NO party simple.

Having children from different cultures in schools together is a plus, it teaches us that we are all individuals and dont have to be the same! It teaches our children about the country they are growing up in, as its far from a white country anymore, its multi-racial and they HAVE to accept that, or be miserable.

The school my daughter will be attending in April 08 have children from 9 different countries. And its one of the reasons I chose to send her there, one school I went too had just 1 asian boy there, in 400 pupils! What is she going to learn about the real world there??

Take her aside and explain that there simply is NO party unless she makes an effort to meet these girls and make new friends, an invite to your home for tea might be a good idea, away from school and her other regular friends, and see how they interact. Supervised obviously.

Best wishes, no one wants their kid to be either the bully or the victim, its a hard balance which most parents struggle to manage once their "baby" takes on his/her own personality.

Your a good mum, dont have anyone say anything else. Your activly encouraging and trying to make your daughter think the right way about others who are not the same. You are going to bring up a healthy and smart little girl if you continue teaching her this way.

Answer 2

Does she mix with these girls at nursery, do the polish girls just play together? Either way I think you are right and that these 2 girls should be invited, you clearly don't want to look like everyone can come to the party but these 2 girls - they would clearly be upset and feel like outcasts. Maybe you could speak with the class teacher and ask that your daughter and the 2 polish girls along with maybe another girl are given a project to work on together to get them to know each other. It may just be a simple case of disliking who/what you don't know or understand.

Answer 3

Hi, I totally understand your feelings in this situation, my daughter last school year went to nursery with an Indian girl, and often complained that this girl was following her, and wouldn't leave her alone. I asked my daughter why she didn't just play with her, and she said she didn't like her. I was shocked by this, as my daughter will play with just about any child, and it later emerged that she was nervous of this girl because she couldn't understand what she was saying. Now they've moved up a year, and the Indian girl's English has improved greatly, and my daughter often tells me she's been playing with her. I'd invite the 2 Polish girls to the party, your daughter's not really going to care at the party with everyone else there. Your daughter's not a bully, she's jst choosing to ignore the girls when asked by you, I bet she plays with them at school. Have a word with her teacher anyways if it concerns you. Best of luck. xxx

Answer 4

We've dealt with this a bit with our four year old son. Thats an age where kids really start noticing things that are different about people. We spend a lot of time emphasizing that different is just different, its not good or bad. Some families have 2 kids, some have 6 its just different and everyones happy. Some people wear glasses, some don't.

It's also hard because she isn't going to like everyone. I don't like everyone I come into contact with, you don't like everyone you come into contact with. But conveying to a 4 year old that its not okay not to like someone just because of the way they talk is hard.

When our son says something negative about someone (I don't like her hairstyle) we just let him know that that's a personal opinion that he should keep to himself and that a person's hairstyle doesn't have anything to do with if they're a nice person or not.

But your daughters not horrible, she's 4.

Answer 5

she's not horrible. she's just a normal four-year-old. they're supposed to be scared of anything they don't understand. the reaction is a defense mechanism and protects them.

however, i agree that you don't need to reinforce this behavior. she's at a good age to start to distinguish between something that's unknown and potentially dangerous and something that's just unfamiliar.

You might look up some information about how they celebrate birthdays in Poland. You also might have an "accent" day around the house where both of you use funny accents; then you can use this exercise to talk about how hard it can be to understand different accents and how lonely she would feel if other people couldn't understand her. If nothing else, you might point out she'd be getting two more gifts.

good luck

Answer 6

Prejudice developmentally does not begin until ages 6 and 7. Have you considered the possibility that your daughter is uncomfortable with these girls because she cannot understand them, or knows less about them than the other children? Prejudice grows from fear and fear from the unknown. Maybe you could suggest a culture week at your child's school. This might help everyone become more comfortable with one another.

Answer 7

Maybe its something she is seeing on tv? its crazy what i hear on tv sometimes. Also, you might want to check out what the children are saying. It might just be everyone picks on them, and she doesn't want to be an outcast. No way is she a horrible person, just taking what she hears, and repeating it. She is only four, she doesnt even understand what shes saying. She will grow out of whatever phase she is going through

Answer 8

No,Your daughter is not horrible.Have your daughter sit down with you and two cups of different juice and talk about how there are so many people that it would be shame not to include some people because they are different,after you are drink one kind of juice and I +++ juice.
(you can do this with milk too)

Answer 9

Nope, she's normal. Who's party is it, your or hers? Let her invite whomever she wants. Who cares the reason.

What, you gonna teach world peace or national or racial tolerance to a four-year-old? Choose better battles. Let this go.

Answer 10

Children develop over time. Be patient. Teach love in love with love. It's "ok" for her to have preferences. Just re-enforce what you want to teach. She'll learn in time.