Just Married: How do I fix this Mother-in-law problem??

Question

My husband and I got married just last June at his parent's house. Just before the rehearsal, she and I got into an arguement (long story, neither her nor I are innocent I must sheepishly admit). Our out of town family was coming to dinner after the rehearsal, and when my family got there, I acted as if everything was all right and there was no fight. She, however, pouted inside and cried to her family about how horrible I treated her, and refused to come outside where the dinner was. None of her relatives introduced themselves to me. The next day, at the wedding, she talked crap about me to everyone she came across. She frowned in all our pictures, and then, when my brother gave a touching speech that caused him to cry, she said "oh just get over it." Her biting remarks and inability to let the previous night's occurance go led to a horrible wedding. She was completely rude to all my family. I haven't spoken to her since. She won't apologize because she thinks she didn't do anything.

In fact, she thinks she is the victim, and has completely denied saying rude things that all the guests heard come out of her mouth. I haven't talked to her because I know I will just blow my top and call her all the mean things I can think of. So I've been avoiding the problem. With holidays approaching, I don't know what to do. Someone has to be the adult here, it obviously won't be her, so what can I do to remedy the problem? This woman ruined my wedding.

For those of you asking about our previous relationship: his mom and I have gotten along, but that's because I always let things go. She says rude things to not just me, but to everyone. She talks about how she can't wait for her husband to die, and continues to hold decade-old grudges against her neighbor. She has no real friends and doesn't work, so is a pretty miserable woman. She's said some biting remarks to me and my husband in the past, but I always just let it go, reminding myself about how miserable she is. She went too far with the wedding though, and the most hurtful part is that she won't even admit all the problems she caused...

Answer 1

Well, I have to say I am curious as to what the argument was about, and if it was the only one you have had with this woman, or if there has always been tension. But, obviously, you don't have to share more than you are comfortable with. ANYWAY, it seems to me that mothers have difficulty letting go of their sons, no matter how old they are. I've had some words with my MIL as well, and it always feels like a tug of war for my husband's/her son's attention. Your MIL was definitely wrong for being a sour puss on your wedding day. She didn't only hurt you, she probably also hurt her son. She should have played nice, at least for that day. As for her trash talking about you, there is nothing you can do except to be polite and courteous to your husbands family (including her) so that she will look like the lesser person, and you will be taking the high road. Like it or not, this woman will be in your life from now on. Its probably easier to put a smile on your face when you see her than to carry around anger. Let her do that!

Answer 2

Think we have the same mother in law. Mine has done the same as you but, she knew better to pull anything at our wedding as her son told her if she opens her mouth her will have ther tossed out. (My husband has had a life time of her crazyness) I can say that your setting yourself up here. BEEN THERE DONE THAT!.. This is the problem, she plays the victim and everyone overlooks her behavior. There is no consequences for her actions. You let it all go, she takes it as I can say and do what ever as I am his mother. This is what we did. I do not call or speak to my mother in law. I do not do holidays with her. My husband wants to call or see his mother great, go ahead. We make our own plans for the holidays and you might thing it sounds mean or I am anti family but I am not. I believe there is a difference between family and relatives. Family you see and speak to and they are a part of your lives. Relatives you are related by blood but other then that you have no bond. I refuse to spend my holidays around drama and fighting. Because if she is not starting with me it's my husband or some other person who might have walked into the room the wrong way.

I would talk to your husband about Thanksgiving, worst case is maybe you could do one holiday and have several people so you could just ignore her.

Good Luck and Happy Thanksgiving.

Answer 3

It sounds to be more of a medical problem, than a personality one. I am surprised that you don't see a pattern here. Anyone that does the things that you have said, needs to go to a SHRINK! It may be possible that she has a chemical imbalance and it should be checked out. If I were you, I would tell this woman, that she is invited to a family meal whatever, but NOT HER ATTITUDE, and if she misbehaves, then just ask her to leave politely, what are your husband's feelings about this, after all she is his mom, and what about his dad? If they are all aware of her bizarre behavior and they don't do anything, no wonder she feels free to do this kind of thing. If a child did stuff like that , they would be reprimanded, and she should be called accountable for her actions, but have her checked out by a doctor first to determine if she has a mental disorder.

Answer 4

Exactly where does your hubby come into this picture. Sides with you? Mom? Doesn't care? IF he is looking to have a future with the whole family, I would suggest a calm, sit down with mom and son alone. He can explain in a non confrontational manner that as your son, I hoped to have a great supportive family behind my marriage with plenty of room for everyone at the holidays and down the road when you had your own family. Perhaps, he can forge a truce, if he cares, that is. Also, what are you willing to do for the truce, if that is what he wants? Remember, you are putting him in a position between the two most important women in his life, albeit at different times. For his sake, you may have to suck it up and just invite her - then the ball is in her court. Good Luck

Answer 5

Sure, she was mean but did that ruin the entire wedding or are you just focusing on the bad parts? If she really ruined your wedding then she'd have stopped you from getting married. Yes, she's being immature but you also admitted some blame. You need to just try to move on as best you can and try to start again. Your wedding is supposed to last one day and you've dragged it out to bother you for months! The marriage is more important than the wedding.

Answer 6

As you noted neither of you are innocent and someone needs to be the adult (and she's not stepping up).
Go up to her and tell her your are sorry for the argument you had and you would like to get past it and you've both not dealt with it for too long.
You're going to have to put up with her at some point, what will happen if you have kids? You don't need to put them in the middle.
Clear your conscience, be the better person. You don't have to take the blame or appologize for what she did, but if you appologize for anything you've done wrong (and you admitted your're not totally innocent), then you're clean.
BTW, what does your husband have to say about this???

Answer 7

Just my opinion, but I believe you should sit down with her in private and try to have an adult conversation with her. It's important in these situations not to lay blame (YOU did this or that, YOU made me ... etc). You may talk about how you FEEL, because your feelings are absolutely legitimate, but this is not the time to be accusatory.

Tell her that you acknowledge your own wrong-doings, and that you wish to put the past behind you and focus on building a wonderful future with her son and his family. Be gracious. Above all, you must decide for yourself that no matter what she says that you will not "blow your stack" because that doesn't accomplish anything.

After that, the ball is in her court. You can be courteous and gracious to her and all your in-laws. If they choose not to reciprocate, that is their issue and you will know that you are doing everything you can to promote harmony in your family and your marriage.

Answer 8

Has she seen the wedding pictures? It would be a good time to sit with her to look at them and show you which ones she wants. Then she'll see how foolish she looked pouting in all the pictures. Hopefully that will open some communication between the two of you.

Your husband needs to talk to her too because it wasn't just your wedding she acted foolishly at.

And then put it behind you and move on.

Answer 9

sounds alot like my husbands sister. she's rude, intrusive, and down right hostile toward me..ive been nothing but kind to the witch! i got tired of turning the other cheek. now when she or my mil call. i just don't answer the phone. The ONLY time we really hear from them is when they want money which is often. i told hubby no more. We have a child to support, and they know this. i don't care about what 'they want'. So you just do what i do. just don't even acknowledge that she's there. don't call, don't write, and don't socialize unless it's absolutely necessary. you don't need the heartache or stress.

Good Luck.

Answer 10

hey this is what dr phils show today was about. a mother in law and the daughter in law who hated her. the daughter in law came off looking like the worst person to ever be shown on tv, cruel and evil and viscious. i would offer you the same thing i would always say. she is your elder. she is the mother. sure she may be difficult, but, you cant go wrong being the better person. extend your smiling gracious polite self to her, extend your hand in love and friendship to her, generously try to understand her, hug her and offer to show her the pix from the wedding, bring your album to the holidays. act as if nothing unhappy ever happened. there are rewards for doing this that will extend thruout your whole life. i promise and i guarantee that the very sensitivity that drove you to write your intelligent question is the same quality that has the strength and class to reach out to someone who is older. when we are older, sometimes things are not as easy to let go. women especially. you are younger, well, lets say you are stronger, ok?? what a gift !!!!! to her to embrace her. you will not regret it, and i will admire you more than you know.