what to do?

Question

my daughter is 19. she has a 7 month old daughter an 1 on the way.... her boyfriend is a complete jerk. he thinks that i should help support them(they dont live with me) he spends all his money on wat he wants an her an the baby go hungry or the baby never has diapers. well he gets mad wen i wont give them money. she says she wants to leave him but she never does. wen i say something bad about him she gets mad..its such a complicated situation. she says its my fault that she lives like that cuz i didnt raise her right. i am a single mother of 3 (well i have a boyfriend now) anyway, i never recieved child support an i did the best i could...yea i made mistakes...who doesnt.? i jus dont know wat to do. sometimes i jus wanna tell her an him that i dont want to talk to them anymore, but i love her an the baby....no matter wat i do..im the bad guy... any suggestions...? mayb some of u have been wer im at an have a few ideas to help me.. it makes me sick inside.. thank u

im not giving them money...thats y they get mad at me.. sometimes i will buy diapers an things for the baby, but thats cuz i dont want her to go without....

Answer 1

listen, whether you raised her right or NOT , it time for her to take responsibility for the way HER life is NOW,

She is a Mother,
and needs to take care of her kids,
STOP giving her money,,and diapers, let her get welfare or whatever else but she needs to take care of her children,

He needs to be a husband and father,
they can't have it both ways,

In all honesty, If you report her to CPS, they will come in and evaluate the situation and make her think twice,
possibly smarten up,
and its anonymous so she will never know it was you, and you can never tell anyone and I mean NO ONE
or she won't ever forgive you,

As for right now, start saying how things are bad between you and the BF, and that your broke, ect...
Cry poverty and see if she can help YOU
This will make her worry,

I have lived a similar life as your daughter,
and as a former single mother, i know what its like, struggling and trying and feeling inadequate, ect..

This isn't your fault, its HERs and she needs someone to blame for her problems, and the BF can't take and responsibility, so your the fall guy,

You need to totally let her fall, when the baby and her are HUNGRY and Diaperless, and sick and crying,
hopefully she will wake up, and realize this MAN is NOT her LIFE,
HER CHILD IS her life.

trust me, this is the only way she will realize , she isn't your daughter anymore,
she is her childs mother,
Make her do right, even if you have to force her,
And absolutely never ask her or talk to her about her BF,

Or she will blame you for that asswell

Good luck

Meg
Mother of 3

Answer 2

She made the choice to have these babies. She makes the choice of living with this guy. She is not a child anymore. She left that behind when she became a mom. You raised her the best way you knew how. Maybe you made mistakes, we all do. If you have done your job and you did everything you could and she didn't turn out right, well, for now anyway, she is only 19, but that is on her. She has a mind of her own. She knows right from wrong and she is capapble of making decisions. And, like you and all of us, some will be right and aome will be wrong. The wrong ones she is going to have to deal with. She needs to grow up. I am sorry for your sitruation. My daughter decided at 19 to become a mom and she has had to live with her decisions. She is doing fine. She has come home a couple of times but not for long. I have had to help her with money from time to time, but she is helping herself so that makes it easier. Your daughter is just in a bad relationship and is still immature at this point in her life. She is the ONLY one who can change her life. You can be there for support, emotioinal and such. If possible at ties financially, but it is not your job to now have to raise her, her children and her boyfirend. I know you love her and the baby, but making it easy for her, completely easy will only keep her in a bad place, where she can continue to make excuses for the guy she is with. She is the only one who can change her life. If she doesn't get it straight soon she is going to have a really hard road to go down. It is horrible to watch your children suffer, I know, but as hard as it is, sometimes it is for the best. If she needs to come home, then she and the baby can come home and not the boyfriend. When I was younger I had to go home and my mom wouldn't let him come because he was a bum. I was pissed, I was young and she was right. We got through that and of course in time ended up divorced. I wish our kids would listen to us once in a while, but we didn't and theirs won;t either. Keep your didtance as much as possible, and be there to support her emotionally. At some point in time SHE is going to have to make the decision to improve her life. She made the decisions that have put her where she is. It is not your fault, unless you were a neglectful parent, so don't fall for the you ruined my life thing. You didn't get her pregnant, nor did you make the decision to keep the baby or stay with the guy. HER CHOICE, HER LIFE, she will learn, probably the hard way, but hopefully she will learn. I hope this helped some and good luck !!!

Answer 3

I haven't been where you are, but I've been where she is.

There is nothing wrong with you taking a step back from your daughter. Have a conversation with her. Let her know that you love her, and will always have her back when she needs it. But remind her that raising her children is her and her boyfriend's responsibility not yours (don't bad mouth the guy, just tell her it's his job too).
Then tell her that as long as she has a capable man (one that can work) around you will not give them money.
But keep reminding her that she is important to you and you won't let anything happen to her or her children.

She's 19 and still has a lot of growing up to do. You need to step back and let her learn how to do that for herself. Once you are out of the picture, she will put the pressure on him, where it belongs. He will either move up or get out. If your lucky, her natural mom insticts will kick in, and she will leave him on her own. I did, and I'm a much better person for it. After my mom stoped stepping in, I realized that I could support myself and my kids, but not him too, and I made the choice on my own.
I'm in my 30's now, married to a great guy, have 4 kids, a great career, mini van, the works. It just takes time, and a lot of strength on your part as well as hers. As her kids get older, she will come to appreciate exactly how much you did for her. Good Luck

Answer 4

im sorry that u feel trapped in the position that u r in...all advice u recieve should b taken with a grain of salt but here is mine anyway....your daughter is an adult capable(even tho not proven) that she can take care of herself..if u bash the guy she will only defend him more and will want to take his side more...i think that all u can do is hang back and keep your eyes open and make sure that the baby is cared for..and when isnt offer your support,it shouldnt be forced out of u..remember she is the mom and an adult..let her know this and that ahe should b lucky that u r willing to help..but not all the time and not everytime when asked..but that u can only do what u can....keep your distance but keep your ears open for when she needs you..eventually she will see that she does need you but not in every way because it sounds like the guy is holding her back untill she realizes this she will continue acting the way she has... u have to b the calm laid back not a doormat but somewhere in between....good luck

Answer 5

Tell her that she is an adult now and a mother. If she needs money, then see what public services are out there, get a job and put the kids in daycare (a lot of moms do), go to a food pantry and a church closet. She needs to realize that you love her, but you are not going to be blamed for her choices.
Good luck.

Answer 6

your daughter no offence sounds like a brat and needs to get her life out stright. Unless she realizes what she did wrong and what she needs to do to get money and sort it out you might be in this situation. You could tell your daughter to get a job and you could babysit while she's working and tell her to dump that loser becuase he's goign to effect these chilidrens life. Children need support if there father isn't giving it to them, he should not have leagl custody of them. Legaly the court could give premission for you and your daughter to raise them and he has vistation rights.
Your daughter needs to be an adult, if she wasn't ready for this resopnsobilty she should have had protection and not get pregnant!

If you want her to grow up I suggest that you STOP giving them money. They think that they don't have to do anything and they think that they can just rely on you. STOP giving money and NEVER do it agian!

I hope I help!

Answer 7

I think you should talk to her. She's still young, she'll realize one day that you did the best you could, maybe not now, but hopefully one day. You can continue being the mom you are and just be supportive.

Answer 8

dont know wat to tell u because you wrote a hole book i guess