How do I deal w/ my 26 yo son, this eating me inside?

Question

When he was to turn 15 he made mistakes, lied. He used to be a good boy, very close to me, but I got hurtm said he had lost my trust and it'd be hard to get it back. He got devastated, cried, pleaded, but I was hard on him. It took me 6 months to trust him again, though he never messed up again. It was a hard time to him, he got emotionally disturbed, suffered, got depressed. But he got over, he found people who gave him trust among teachers and in a church where he voluntered. When I finaly trusted him again it was a hard surprise to learn my trust wasn't so important to him anymore. He told me he still liked me but was hurt, I hadn't acted as a mom, should never have told him he had lost my trust, never belived I thought about his best. He could understand a punishment, but never what I did.Actually, he made us proud but a starnger, never shared his life w/ us agai. Today he's doing great, a dr in Math, married, will be a father in 3 months and I got to know because a friend told m

Answer 1

Sometimes you can't fix what you broke. I hate my mother and will NEVER forgive her for her conduct.

Accept responsibility for your actions. Sometimes you only get one chance to make good. Don't cry now that you don't have some great relationship with your son. You didn't work for it hard enough. Now leave him alone and let him get on with his life and be happy.

You reap what you sow.

Answer 2

I am 26 so maybe this will help you coming from how a 26 yr old thinks. Its nice to know someone cares and we like to know this so saying so once in a while is nice. Just do a few nice things every now and then once the baby comes along you can do things for the baby. My aunt and her daughter had a bad falling out it took them years to get on speaking terms that didn't include a fight. when my cousin got married and the baby came along over time it fixed things. It helped my cousin to see what it is like to love a child and then she began to understand how her mother felt about her. Take pictures, give a nice gift to your sons new family have them for a dinner but don't smoother him. Talking on the phone about once a week helped my aunt and cousin they seemed to be able to talk on the phone better than in person. Good luck just remember time patience understanding put your self in his shoes and most of all do not smoother him.

Answer 3

Just give him time to heal. My Dad & I didn't speak to each other from the time I was 21 until I was 32 (not my choice, hard feelings after divorce from my mother & I got stuck in the middle). It actually took the loss of my first child to bring us together again. That was 5yrs ago and we now have a great relationship, even better than we had before. I even have a good relationship with my step-mother (she hated me because of things my mother did). I have a 3yr old son and they are a big part of his life.

Keep trying, someday he will come around. It just may take a lot longer than you like. Maybe becoming a parent himself will change his attitude.

Answer 4

Its not your fault at all . I think you should just learn to relax and be happy that he turned out just fine.
He probably is just as disappointed and may not know where to start with bridging the gap between the two of you .
Stop blaming your self for the his mistakes . Its not your fault. Like you said he is going to be a father in sometime You can bet on the fact that he will come around and everything will be okay.. All the Best !! God bless

Answer 5

When a 15 year old makes mistakes you cannot lose your trust in them on a grand scale.. I mean you can be speculative of what they say, but to a 15 year old to feel so worthless to a parent is huge. I think you were wrong in your approach to whatever he did. But you need to respect his feelings now, and instead of feeling he doesnt have a right to these feelings, just tell him you love him and you are sorry. But you have to really mean it. If you want a relationship with your child, and your precious grandbaby, then you need to be the bigger person and forgive, and ask to be forgiven. Best of luck to you, I really hope all can be resolved!~!

Answer 6

Look im only 11 but ive had my share of dramatic this like this with my parents and I know just what to do.
Waht your son is trying to do is hurt you because of how you hurt him he may think that your not a part of his life but you rly are. You need to spend time with him and tell him that you didn't mean what ever it was that u said/did and that you were hurt to. you need to get to know him better because you may think you do but most of the time you dont. Try to take him to see a movie lunch etc etc stuff that he would like to do and bond with him over that but dotn give him to much or to little attention you need to listen to what he says and put that into mind. And most of all you have to say that your sorry for what you have done to him and that you didnt know what to do and that he's always been a part of your life.

Answer 7

It sounds like he is waiting for an apology and ownership. No excuses just an honest acknowledgment of his feelings and desire to be part of his life again. That is all you can do at this point, show him love, and be there when he does come to you.

BTW I don't think you were hard on him, Kids don't realize how bad it is to lie. He also does not realize that perhaps the reason he turned out ok is because you were so hard on him.

Answer 8

"he made us proud" First, tell him this.

Then apologize and admit you made a mistake.

Then ask if you could be friend. He probably feels like he doesn't need a mom now because he's grown. Not true, but he feels it, and invalidating that feeling won't get you anywhere with him.

Tell him being close to him ad getting to know your grandchild is important to you. Ask if he would be willing to attend some kind of family counseling with you.

Make an effort to keep in touch with him. If you know his phone number, address, call, visit, send birthday and holiday cards (write a little of your news in them).

Be patient. You didn't get to this point overnight, so it may take time to get back to a good relationship with your son.

Good luck and god bless!

Answer 9

Did you say he volunteers in a church? wow, what is the church teaching him? He has not heard the word forgiveness in that church and besides, I don't think he has nothing to forgive you for, you were being a loving concerned father. He's is already married and a father to be, believe me, he is all that great because of you. And after he's got his first son, then is when he would know how to be one.

Don't suffer about it. When he grows up, really, he'll come around. That church thing worries me though.

Answer 10

That's to bad... He was obviously really hurt by your actions in the past. If you want to make amends, send him a card congratulating him on the addition to his family and tell him that you love him and miss him and hope for the best for him. Don't ask to see him, don't apologize for your actions. Just make sure you have your return address on the envelope. If he is ready to talk to you again, he will.

Answer 11

My heart reaches out to you.

I think you need to go to your son and tell him that you are sorry if at one time you hurt him. That you were doing the best you could with what you had to work with at the time.

Tell him that you can not change the past but that together you can have a future. As friends...

Tell him how proud of what he has done with his life and that you do love him always have and always will.

Then let him decide.

Try to become friends with his wife. She may be able to help your son work through his old issues.

Good Luck