What is an appropriate solution for taking care of an elderly mother by 3 siblings?

Question

My mother had an addition put on her home so my grandmother would not have to be placed in an elderly home. She runs a business on her property and is trying to take care of her too. She's partially paralyzed on her right side but does not require a nurse so insurance won't help. It is physically taking it's toll on her. Her brother and sister refuse to contribute by sitting with their own mother or bringing her meals. When my mother wanted to hire a home healthaide worker they refused and my grandmother doesn't want one either.

They know she will not neglect my grandmother so she has no choice. My aunt and uncle work too but she just wants help on the weekends. Neither of them have spouses or children at home. They go on with their lives and my mother is taking care of her 24/7 and trying to run a business.

Any suggestions, she's under so much stress it's hard to sit back and be so

I've told my mother to stop letting them "strong-arm" her and since my grandmother doesn't feel the need to ask them to pitch in if she has to go out or plans to travel she needs to let her brother and sister know she's going and they will have to work out her care during that time. She doesn't want to feel guilty about going anywhere but I told her they won't let her be neglected while she's gone either.

I've probably taken my GM to the bathroom more times than my aunt. I've sat with her while my mom runs errands and cooked many meals. I don't understand why my GM doesn't see that my aunt and uncle should pitch, how can she expect one sibling to take on this much responsibility. If it weren't for my mother she would be in a home and if she doesn't want a home healthaide then she should also tell them they need to pitch in more. I'm trying to come up with something to give my mom relief yet my aunt and uncle can't claim is an unreasonable request.

They're may not be though.

Answer 1

Unfortunately, your main problem is your grandmother. Your mother has already made the most logical offer of hiring a home health aide and your grandmother has refused. Would your grandmother actually allow your aunt and uncle to care for her if she won't allow a trained professional?

I know it's unfortunate that her siblings will not step up and help, but that's life. In their eyes (maybe) your mother has gone to such extremes as to add onto her house so they are not required to help. Also, I know it doesn't seem fair, but they probably would resent caring for their mother in your mother's home simply because it sounds like your grandmother needs professional care and they are 1) not professionals, 2)busy living their lives just as your grandmother lived hers at their age, 3)might be scared of the elderly, even their own mother. Not everyone is comfortable with medicine, illness, and disability, as sad as that is. Even their own mother. and 4) would feel doubly uncomfortable invading your mothers home. It's just easier for them to avoid the situation.

I suggest you let your aunt and uncle avoid their "duties" since forcing them to would only create more stress in an already stressful situation. And secondly, your mother needs to insist on help. If your grandmother is not happy with the idea of a home health aide, then it's time to consider placement in an assisted living facility.

Don't let your mother lose the next ten or fifteen years of her life caring for her mother. One day, your grandmother will be gone to her eternal reward. And your mother will wonder what happened to her life.

Answer 2

You mom has been very generous with her time, money and home... and she is in a typical situation with her siblings.. NO ONE else wants to lift a finger, and the burden lies on one person -- your mom.

I went through this with my own mother... i took care of her for a year, as she had cancer... my sisters provided minimal help, and one of them only visited mom two times during the year before she died... why? because i suppose they have better things to do with their time, and have no sense of loyalty or family obligation.

The truth is, your mom will probably never get help from her siblings... and don't be surprised if, after your grandmother passes away, her siblings won't speak to her again... it happens all the time, and yes, it happened to ME, too.

The best thing YOU can do for your mother, is give her some help with grandma... i helped my mother with her parents, too. Yes, it's a lot of work, and it takes up some of your time, but you won't regret helping your family in years to come. You will look back and be happy you were there to help grandma and mom.

Sorry about the situation.... you can't control your mom's siblings, so no use worrying about it. Just do the best you can.

Answer 3

Either share the load or all pitch in to pay someone to do it or the old answer a nursing home.....either way the cut should be fair or at least by what you make for a living.% wise.

Answer 4

i went through the same thing. communication and understanding are key to taking care of your mother. this could bring your family closer together but keep in mind whats best for your MOTHER and not convenience. research ways to make things easier for her needs

Answer 5

thats sad... she can personally pay for a home nurse or something to kind of help out. otherwise maybe see if there is anyone else in the family to help out...maybe if u helped and another family member that could help. good luck

Answer 6

Can't force them if they don't want to pitch in. Your mom just has to do wat's best for her mom and for her. If an aide will help then that's wat they have to do like it or not.