Grandparents at their own conveniance.?

Question

First off let me state that I do like my in-laws. They're okay. Through my entire pregnancy my parents were totally supportive of me and helped us out financially and gave us support. If I ever need my parents to watch my daughter they'll drive 170 miles just to get her. They buy all of her food, diapers, clothes and mostly her toys for us. So, yes they spoil her and help us out a lot.

My In-laws don't do squat and they live across the street. They never ask to see the baby and when we take her over to see them, they are too busy (going out to eat, party, etc.) but they get upset if they want to see her and she's at my parent's. My parents see her two weekends a month.

My husband has become angry with his family ignoring the baby since her birth and they think it's because of me. I don't even say anything to him about it. We're both just tired of them being grandparents at their own conveniance. (Continued)

Now our daughter is getting older and is more attached to my parents at the moment.

MIL is dead set on making sure that the baby is attached to her at the hip and is trying to get us to stay in town.

I do NOT want my daughter to be close to his parents. Not until they grow up a little bit and take their role as grandparents more seriously.

Would it be better if I just moved closer to my parents?

PurplePassion: We've tried to ask MIL for help several times. She always tells us no and that she is too busy reading books. -.- We just kinda gave up after 6 months.

DEB: It's nice to see another ignorant person on here who doesn't know what the hell they're talking about. I doubt you even read through the whole paragraph.

First of all, his parents DO NOT see her everyday. They make no attempt to see her and they don't ask. They see her once a week or so. -They- are too busy.

We -do not- ask my parents to raise our kid or buy things for her. They offer it, we accept it. Do you even have a child? Or are you just angry because you're not fortunate enough to have family that give a damn?

Sounds to me like you have some jealousy and anger issues. Go get some councelling and stop cutting the wrists for attention.

I'm sorry, but they know exactly when my parents see the baby. They have the opportunity to see her whenever they want. Husband has tried repeatedly to get them to see the baby and they won't do it. (FIL is a major alcoholic and MIL wants to read all the time)

I've asked my husband to confront him since he seems disturbed by their lack of interest and he won't do it. He says he would rather cut them off than confront them. I won't let him do that because I know it's healthier for a child to have two sets of grandparents.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be around a family that's kinder and more supportive. There's a lot more issues to the story (bad area, less jobs, more drugs, terrible schooling)

We want to move to a better area but his parents are getting angry about it.

Answer 1

I love the fact that your to blame for his parents behavior. I would stop trying to get them to play a role as "grandparents" rather then be a grandparent. Your child will be aware that they have 2 sets of grandparents but will make the choice of who they have a close relationship with regardless of what you think or your in laws. I would live my life, raise my family, and not fight with my husband about his parents. If his family has an issue with you visiting your parents I would just say. We live across a street from you, you can stop over any time.
Yet, you do not. My parents live 170 miles away and are not as lucky as you that can stop over like you so I am not going to argue this issue.

Answer 2

Your in laws don't owe you anything, and there isn't obligation to be a grandparent. Its their choice and their loss. Its a mistake to compare the behavior of one set of parents to the other. If your husband is upset with his parents, then why hasn't he been a grown man and talked to them about it instead of letting you take the blame for the uncomfortableness. You say you like them but you are trying to control their behavior because you don't like that they won't do what you want.

If you and your husband aren't grown up enough to raise your own child, and pay the bills for it, then you shouldn't have had a child until you could. Your parents aren't doing you any favors, and my guess would be that your in-laws know this and aren't about to let you guilt them into it. This is no example to set for your child, love is unconditional, your in-laws don't have to buy your child, and have every right to be the kind of grandparent they want to be, just like your folks.

In reading your responses to people who are simply pointing out the obvious to you, its says it all. What a shame.

Answer 3

Trying to force/manipulate people into being someone they are not is a bad road to follow. You can not make them be the kind of grandparents YOU think they should be. And dont compare them to your parents...this practice only sets up a wall. They have a right to feel upset when, when they finally want to spend some time with the baby, she is at the other gparents house. They have right to feel HOWEVER they feel but this does not mean YOU have to react to however they feel. Whatever is going on between your husband and his family is NOT your business unless he asks you to get involved. Even then, I would be reluctant. They are all grownups and can handle their own stuff. My suggestion to you is to determine what is BEST for YOUR family..you, your child and husband. You guys need to talk about this as mature ADULTS and not base your decisions about what anyone else does..what is right for YOUR family????
I dont know what the circumstances are but I am hearing that your parents are better because they "help you out" a lot. They help you because that is who they are....the other grandparents dont help you as much because that is who THEY are. I dont know what they are responding to in your situation but you might try what the last poster suggested. Invite them to get involved with your lives to whatever degree they are able and see what happens. For heavens sake..dont judge these people!!!
Get your own lives together and see what YOU CAN GIVE TO THEM!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 4

Why do you think that the grandparents have some kind of responsibility in raising your children? Yeah what your parents have done is great but that doesn't mean that it is their responsibility. Maybe your inlaws are concerned about invading yours & your husbands privacy and that is why they don't spend alot of time at your house. When you take the kids over to see them did you call first to see if they had plans. When you have spent 20 - 30 years raising kids then you deserve free & social time because you have given alot of it up while raising your kids. Your inlaws see your kids everyday if they live across the street. Compared to your parents that live farther away so seeing their grandkids is more of a treat. You also state that you don't want your daughter being closer to your MIL than to your parents until your inlaws grow up. That statement says alot about your own maturity level and also about the feelings your are sending to your inlaws. So before you end up totally destroying the relationship between your husband & their parents I would suggest a mature conversation with them discussing your concerns. But remember they spent several years raising their own kids and have earned time to enjoy their lives. Thinking that they are in some way responsible in helping you raise your kids is selfish and unrealistic.

Answer 5

I'm having the same problem but with MY family. My husbands family lives 250 miles away and want to be WAY more involved in our kids lives than my family who live in the same town as we do! It is a frustrating, agonizing situation. We have lived by my family for 8 years and we're almost 100% sure we're going to move closer to my husband's family because of their support and interest in our kids. It's not just my in-laws who are interested, it's also grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins, etc.

I figure we can't change my family but we can change ourselves and our situation for the better for our daughters. I want them to have a close-knit, loving extended family and have good role models besides just my husband and me.

If you can, move closer to family that want to be involved with your family and help out. It will be better for you, your husband and your daughter.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 6

They might not feel like they are NEEDED as grandparents. Ask your MIL for help with something one day, whether you really need it or not and just act like it's very important to you that she specifically helps you with this one task because you think she'd be good at it.....and just see how she reacts.

Answer 7

Move. Bad vibes are like poison.........move and quick!!