Should I let my 15 yr old daughter live with her dad?

Question

My husband and her do not get along. He says it is because I am to leniant and she says it is because he is to strict. We fight about it constantly, it has become extremly dysfunctional. I found her things packed in her bedroom today to go to her dads after school. What should I do? I feel like I am caught in the middle. Do I leave my husband in hopes to make my daughter happy, or do I let my daughter stay with her dad in hopes to make the family happy? Her sister is 13 and wants to stay with me. My 13 yr old has got to the point where she doesnt care if the 15 yr old stays here with us or goes to live with their dad. I understand we all have ALOT of issues. Should I leave my husband or let my daughter go to her dads?

My husband and my daughter do not get along at all. It has caused constant and terrible fighting to where it has put serious strain on our relationship, it is as close to divorce as it can come. In fact he left on sunday and both of my daughters wanted their step dad to come home. They Im sure did it cuz they thought its what i wanted. Please help

Answer 1

I'm very confused with your question. Why would you be leaving your husband? Does your current husband have issues with your daughter? You don't mention problems with him at all. But if you think that your daughter may be in need of a higher discipline environment, sure, see if her living with dad will make things better. But I don't see how leaving your current husband (if you're in love with him) is going to fix anything. You have to have a life too, and if your daughter doesn't like it she'll just have to deal.

But, like I said, if the true problem is that your daughter needs someone more strict to get her on the right tract, than give her a trial run at dad's house. See if it improves her attitude and if it does, maybe that's a better environment for her.

Answer 2

Put your husband aside and focus on your kids for a second. Is your 15 yr old causing problems in the household? Not in your relationship, but other problems between your other daughter and yourself?

Because if that's the case, then maybe your daughter does need some tough love from your ex (her Dad). It sounds to me, and maybe I misunderstood, that your husband (their stepdad) is a good guy that loves the kids and it sounds as though the 15 yr old has issues and it's putting the household kind of on eggshells. If that's true, maybe she does need some strict guidelines and rules. If you feel that your ex can provide a more strict life for what she needs right now, test the waters. See if she's okay to go there for 6 months and see if things change. If they change for the better, then that was the right choice for your family. If it's no better and possibly worse, than maybe you guys all need to go to counseling together to figure out what's going on.

Your current husband should have a small say in what goes on in the house because those aren't his kids but they ARE kids living under his roof.

Try and keep your family together. You really shouldn't have to choose between your kids or your spouse. Everyone should try and get along. If all else fails, I suggest counseling before anyone thinks about leaving anyone.

Good luck!

Answer 3

I can relate to your family about being dysfunctional. My son recently went to college, but before he moved it was a nightmare. But my husband is his father, not a step dad. It's sad when kids come between the husband and wife because it's not them who it's about. My husband would say I'm wishy washy about my son, where I'd say he was way too strict, so I can definitely relate to you. But if your daughter wants to move in with her dad, then she's old enough to make that decision. Most states would agree with her age as being old enough to decide on her own. Let her go. She may realize that what she had at home isn't as bad as she thinks once she has to go by a new set of rules. You mentioned your 13 year old doesn't care if she stays or goes. My 10 year old actually told my son to get some help one time because she was so fed up with him. You and your husband need to agree on the discipline of your daughter if she is to stay. I believe you should be the one to discipline because you are the natural parent. So don't even think of leaving your husband over this. Family counseling might help. We did this for a while. But if this is going to be beneficial to your daughter, then by all means let her go. The family needs some time to heal now. Good luck.

Answer 4

Your husband is her stepfather and shouldn't have the final word in disciplining your daughter, that's her father and your job. My guess is that your husband has never been around a teenage girl and he's blaming you for parenting her in a way that makes it uncomfortable for him. He's got a right to live in a peaceful environment, and right now he doesn't have that. I would say if her father is ok with it, and she is wanting to move, then let her go.

Leaving your present husband with the hope that this will solve your problems won't work, its not about the people involved its about how those personalities cope. Of course your daughter thinks he's too strict, and of course he thinks you are too lenient. This is normal in a home with a teen. However its not up to him to decide on how to parent your daughter, and if you've made the mistake of giving in to her out of guilt for her broken home, then you need to come to grips with that right now, before the youngest gets any older.

Martial and family counseling. Don't take the easy way out, you'll just wind up repeating the problems you haven't confronted.

Answer 5

You don't need to end your marriage because of this. That would be putting your daughter in control of the household. Who is the adult here?
You don't say how long you've been with your husband or if their relationship has always been this way but I think you could benefit from family counseling. Sure, let her move in with her Dad but that doesn't mean you'll never see her. Have her go to counseling with you all so that she and stepdad can learn to get along. It can be done.

Answer 6

You need some order in your life! Things seem to be out of control right now. From your post, it sounds like you and your ex live pretty close. If that's the case, then maybe it would be ok to let her live with him "for now" and see if you can get things straightened out with your husband.

You and your husband MUST work through this to be effective parents together. You need to go to counseling to work this out. You both need to agree on what the rules are for her, even if that means you both have to compromise. And you can't undermine each other. You both have to hold up what the other says.

Once things are a little more stable, maybe your daughter could come back.

Or she doesn't have to go, but don't rule out that option since it doesn't have to be permanent and may be in her temporary best interest.

Answer 7

I think that you need to let her make her own decision about who she wants to live with. She is old enough now. And as a parent I want to make sure my child is happy. Just let your daughter know that whatever choice that she makes you will support her and be there for her. Let her know that you still want a relationship with her. Sit down and talk to her. It may be best for her to move out if she doesn't get along with your husband. You have to look at what is best for your daughter no matter how hard that may be. Best wishes and I hope it works out.

Answer 8

What about a compromise? She can stay with him for a school holiday and see how she goes, then you discuss it further. If her dad hasn't been in her life for that long, she may not be correctly remembering how life was with him. Of course this would only work if he lives nearby and doesn't interrrupt her education. Though he has to be on board with this too - she can't just expect to lob onto his doorstep and be welcomed with open arms. If he's too wrapped up in his own life, he might not be open to having her there.

Answer 9

She's 15, why are you letting her call the shots? Do what YOU feel is the best for the entire family. If it's to let her go to dad's, then let her.

Answer 10

i am a lil confused. r u and ur husband divorced? why would you either have to leave your husband to make your daughter happy or let ur duaghter stay with ur dad to make the family happy? are your husband, and ur daughters dad, two different men? its very confusing how u wrote this. i am not sure how to answer this