How to deal with unhappy mother-in-law?

Question

She is always upset over anything. Find faults with my husband & chews him off when she is in a bad mood. Accusing & blaming, gets into fizzy fits etc ... demanding, unreasonable.

Her suggestions are plentiful & incessant. She either flat-out commands me to do things her way, or she pretends to be nonchalant about whether or not she is trying to pressure me, but I still feel her push. She tries to dominate my household. She is oblivious to the fact that her backbiting is unwelcome & hazardous.

I can never comprehend her bad-mouthing us to her friends when we hv always tried to meet her deeds, of couse we dont acceed to her all her demands. I can never be good enough, she expects me to be like her, uneducated, only cries when H gets angry & my job is to serve my H fr head to to toe.

I keep attempting to bond with her & her rejection is demoralizing. We hv done whatever we cld to please her (in vain), but i am giving up so as not to get frustrated.

Need advice

I hv tried every way to make her in a good mood. I am glad i hv alot of compassions for old ppl. She appeared to me that she is a very kind person during my 1st yr here.

I gave her expensive gifts. Gave her & her friends (she wanted to give) my handcrafted jewelry pieces. She has a collection too. I helped her weed her garden, helped my H fixed her roof despite my probia of height. She always complains she is going to get cancer & going to die.

I am thinking of putting her at a distance. I hv stopped calling her for she wld distort my words to justify her unreasonableness. She has issues on that ... She doesnt allow my stepdaugther (who lives with her for now) to watch tv, complains of her almost everyday... etc. She demands money for food and lodging. She refuses to give her a ride when she misses her bus and its late at night.

We live 4 hrs away fr her. I can never understand why she is such a hateful mean person. What is wrong with her?

She complains and yells at her husband over nothing. She treats him real bad at times.

Rakesh. I hv tried what u said. Will hv to do better w not letting her upset us (not much of me but more of H)? I hv always casted it aside but at times it js way over the limits. Will hv to do better n definitely try not to let it bother us. So far so good except that i wish to address it in YA n see others' opinions. TQ

Answer 1

Honey, take from a girl who knows.. Don't try, for years I have tried my best to make my husband's family happy, I myself felt like I was never good enough and with every turn I tried harder and harder only to learn that its not going to work, nothing is.. Just stop, focus on your life what you need out of your marriage and tell your husband you are done pleasing his mom. Because there is no pleasing a women like that, one year I cooked a thanksgiving dinner for fifteen and she came on a full stomach, did not touch a thing on the table and told people she did not trust my cooking.. I cried all night, at my ruined meal, I cooked and prepared for a week decorated the whole thing.. That is why I am telling you to stop and look at what you need from your life. Before I would call her every day, see how she is doing go on daily visits, but now I just prefer not to see her at all, I have my own life and if my husband wants to see her fine he can go but I do not want to hear her constant stupidity any more.. STOP..

Answer 2

If she is such a unrasonable female, why do you try so hard. If you have done everything that you could to make friends, to adhere to her wishes, then why r u desprate to take more and more abuse. You have done everything, now let her do it. If it her house you are living in, then I suggest you move out before you are totally demoralized. Explain it to her if she continues to be like that, you will not tolorate it, and will retaliate in kind. and that you can live in peace only if you respect other, and do not feel threatened that you will lose your senior standing, or place in your son's heart.

Some mothers are like that, they feel threatened by a new woman in their house, that they controled, and find everything wrong with them. Tell her you respect her as you would your own mother, and if she can love you as her daughter than there would be no need for such fear, and there would be no tension of competion from each other over her son. Now if she has a problem with her son, than that's a different problem, then, I would strongly suggest u find a place where you can live in peace, you don't want your children growing up in such an atmosphere. I've been there, therefore, I can tell you, treating your mother in law as you would your mother, works wonders and makes her less insecure, and more open to friendship from you.

Answer 3

If I didn't know better, I'd think we have the same mother-in-law! I used to say to my fiancee every time he was frustrated about his mom to sit her down and talk to her like a reasonable adult -- but he never would. It took me eight years to realize that he's right. She's a complete nut job who can't handle an adult conversation. And the worst part is, SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW IT. She thinks that she is valid in pushing her opinions on everyone, and finds an appropriate reaction to conflict to be leaving the room and crying behind a closed door, while all the time asking "How could you do this to ME?"

As much as you & your husband want to be close with her, is it really worth her abuse just for trying? It's a terrible situation to be in, I know, because no one wants to give up and say, "My mom doesn't even like me." I don't mean to sound defeatist, but sometimes it's the only thing you can do. Good luck.

Answer 4

Sal, first why is your stepdaughter living with you mil in the first place? If it is all possible get that poor child out of there, her grandmother's aggressiveness and unhappiness has nothing to do with her but may unduly influence her.

Happiness is something that comes from within , rather than from the outside.

Your mother in law sounds as if she's never been happy in her life , no matter what she tells you.

You do indeed need to step away from her toxic influence and it's your husband NOT you who needs to tell her that , firmly and not be manipulated by her.

There's an excellent book by Dr. Susan Forward Toxic Parents ( although inlaws would probably fit in here too) I suggest you borrow a copy and both you and your husband read it together and implement some of the suggestions.

Next I think your husband needs to talk to his mother's doctor and see if there is anything physically or psychologically wrong. Perhaps your husband can have his mum's friends help him with this.

But my first and prime advice is to limit contact with her as much as possible and get your stepdaughter out of that situation as soon as possible.

Answer 5

Earlier times mother-in-laws had created similar situations. My only conclusion to this is that they all are forgotten chapters. At this modern age they are almost all educated and a lot mediums such as t.v., radio, internet and other types of social & cultural activities are available to understand the behavioural aptitudes towards their daughter-in-laws. I feel strongly that they had forgotten that they too were daughter-in-laws once and they too had sent or to sent thier daughters like this one day. Therefore,my advise to you that keep your peace of mind, complete your moral duties without waiting for appreciation or blames from her. Also at fine times, try to make her understand the views I expressed, if you consider fit. However, all these still fails, the opinion from a noted and authentic psychiatrist may produce good result .Best wishes.

Answer 6

It is time that you and your husband sit down and begin to figure out how to protect yourselves from this toxic person. If you don't and allow her to continue, she will destroy your marriage and your self-esteem.

Your husband needs to get up off of his butt and be a man! It is his mother and he should put his foot down and make it clear to her she is no longer welcome in your home or your lives. He should also tell her if she so much as bad mouths you to others, you will sue her for slander in a court of law.

He must be forceful and stand by what he says, no giving in and being a big baby. It is his fault that all of this continues, do you understand that?



I strongly suggest counseling for you and your husband, asking the counselor to give you tools to deal with this person to protect yourself and have your husband take his tail out from between his legs!

Let him know, either he gets going on this, or you are thinking of exiting until he does. This is not your mother and you don't deserve to be putting up with this garbage. Just because she is his mother does NOT mean you have to endure this abusive person. Protect yourself sweetheart, life is short. I have a toxic mother and had a toxic mother-in-law, so I had a double whammy...a real bummer!

My life is so much better since I divorced my ex, with him went his mother and I also walked away from my mother too. Ah, to have a life void of these horrid people is wonderful.

Answer 7

I totally understand what you are going through, I dealt with it everytime we went to my fiances families home. Only diff there are 21 of them. They don't like new extensions coming into their lives so I would dread dealing with them. I am a very friendly people person so it kinda hurt my feelings that they were so mean and nasty to me. I tried to be nice and talk to them, include them in things. But no they wouldn't even look me in the face let alone talk to me.

After meeting them more than 6 times, there was the wedding of my fiance's nephew YIKES! I told everyone(friends) I didn't want to go. Now all the nephews and brothers loved me but the girls didn't. So I had a few drinks, went in with my head up high and didn't say more than a word to any of the girls. No I wasn't be silly I just didn't want to feel sad. I just was myself but a little more relaxed (Margarita!)

When the reception came everyone that didn't talk to me was running up and introducing me to people, talking to me, taking pictures(I caught Boquet) all that BS right. So I asked Jay(fiance) what was their deal. They told him I seemed like I didn't need them to talk to me (wasn't bothered). Hum..what do you know they are a little better but not much. I told Jay I am going to marry you & I will only see them every other holiday. So if they drop their meaness they will see I am a good person.

I am trying to say just be yourself, sometimes you have to put your foot down in order to keep order in your home. People will always try to push and run you over. If they know they can they will do it more and more.

If you get a chance wactch the movie Monster In Law starring J-lo, Jane Fonda.

Answer 8

The best way to deal with her is not to deal with her. Let your husband deal with his mother. You can not have a normal relationship with a person like your mother in law. I can say from experience that like my mother in law she sounds mentally ill. You need to feel sorry for your husband and father in law as look what they lived with. Don't look to change her as it will not work. Do not waste your energy by bending over backwards for someone who is ungratefully and manipulative. When you stop letting her walk all over you is when you will have peace in your life. As far as your step daughter goes I would help her move out of there before she has real issues from living with this woman.

Answer 9

I'm sorry but you had to have known how this woman was before you married her son. I think your husband needs to be gettin some balls about him and stand up to his mom. If it was me I believe would tell her how I felt, she sounds like a spoiled brat. Maybe she just needs to be called out on her behavior. If you cant do that then I think you need to either accept the way she is and deal with it (she may never change), or just flat out don't have anything to do with her.

Answer 10

You need to have a very serious discussion with your husband saying you are concerned for your marriage if she continues so are forced to detach from her. No longer will you answer phone but rather let it take her messages. No longer will you answer door and let her in. No longer will she be invited . this is all because she is toxic and you do not need that running your home. You will feel so much better in a new regime and hopefully your husband will agree. If he does not, I suppose you have to let him go visit her but you do not have to let her in as she is out to destroy you.