Question about my twins? What do you think will help?

Question

I have twins that are in the 3rd grade They are both wonderful kids. I'm having a problem with my daughter's self esteem My son(her twin brother)is advanced for his age. He is VERY smart in advanced classes and everything.At school she refers to herself as the dumb one She is very quiet and embarrasses easily.She never gats straight A's like her brother, she has a hard time reading and struggles in math.Her teacher said she doesn't even raise her hand to answer ?'s or anything in class anymore.She is not at all a stupid child or anything she just has to work hard She sees how easily everything comes for her brother and she gives up. I try to talk to her and help with her homework and studing for tests but she acks like she doesn't care.When I ask her something she will say to ask her brother he's the smart one. Any sugestions on how I can help her feel confident and proud about who she is .We have never compared any of our kids with each other.They are each unique individuals.Any ideas?

They are in seperate classes but they rotate at their school. They all go to the same teacher for the same subjucts just at different times during the day. I also always tell her she is smart she just has to work a little harder. Was just wondering if I could do anything to build self esteem.

Answer 1

Keep giving her the extra help when she needs it. Also make a big deal of any good grades she brings home. Let her put it on the fridge or call grandparents so she can brag. Also brag about her accomplishments to family and friends where she can hear you. It will really make her smile. I have twins that went through the same thing about this age too. They are almost 9. Even if you aren't comparing their progress the teachers may be. My twins now when a teacher says something like "Your sister got an A on this test. What happened?" They say Do I look like my sister" or WOW good for her. It really leaves the teachers speechless. After a few times they stop the remarks. I don't think it is intentional or anything but that may be bringing your daughter down. Teaching her to be proud of her accomplishments will last her a life time. She needs to come out of this shy phase and stand up for herself.
I bet her brother is LOUD AND PROUD. Help her to be LOUD about her accomplishments and she will be proud. As they say This to shall pass.
Keep up the good work dad

BTW I wouldn't send her to a private tutor. That would just make her feel even more singled out and inferior to her brother in my opinion. You want to make her feel special not different. Best wishes

Answer 2

I commend you for being a good parent and never comparing your twins. That was definitely the right attitude to take.

Unfortunately, it doesn't stop twins from comparing themselves to each other. All siblings do it, but it's a bit more competition for twins because they are the same age.

First of all, make sure your son isn't belittling her for not knowing things. I have a 3rd grade boy and I had to stop him from teasing his little sister, who is 5, for not knowing things. Some kids that age don't understand that what is easy for them isn't always easy for other people.

Second, consider your daughter's learning style. There are some learning styles that are not compatible with your standard educational system. For example, my youngest is a tactical learner. She can't learn by watching the teacher write an example on the board. She has to do it herself. But schools almost always start with "listen" then "watch" and then do. It's frustrating for her and she doesn't get it. If the teacher wants "watch" then "listen" then "say it back" before she's allowed to do it herself, it's completely worthless. She can't get it.

Now, my middle kid, my 5 yr old, she learns by watching. She learned to tie her shoes by watching me do it slowly a dozen times or so. Then she was able to do it immediately. My son had to be told the concept over and over until he understood it verbally ("listen") before he could make his hands practice tying shoes.

All this to say, if your daughter is tactical learner or something, the problem might be that the school isn't presenting the knowledge to her the way she learns. If you can figure it out, that's how you can help her with her homework, but you may have to resort to a tutor who has special training in learning styles. You can ask the school if they've evaluated her for learning styles -- some schools do that.

Third, you should help your daughter find something she's good at and can be proud of that is NOT her brother's thing. Music or singing lessons? Dance lessons? Maybe playing on a select sports team? Or taking a foreign language class if she seems to have a knack for that? Maybe she can design her own clothing/outfits? Take a cooking class? Whatever she is interested in, find a way to foster that skill with extra education. It's important that she has concrete results to look at afterwards. And make sure it's all her own.

Answer 3

Sounds like the same situation that I face with my kids (not twins). Everything at school comes easily to one--and with such difficulty to the other. I always tell my kids that there are sooo many ways to be smart. I got good grades, but I am terrible at sports! Daddy is good at anything requiring talking to people, but don't ask him to change a light bulb. I tell them to look around at people who know how to do things that were not taught at school...a way with words, a tender understanding heart, artistic sensibility, a green thumb, sense of rhythm, etc.

I also try to focus on process, not product. Trying hard is what counts...not being the best/first/biggest. Did you do your best? So many people to whom things come easily do not try their best.

Teaching or helping with something can be very rewarding. Would it be possible for your daughter to help out once in a while in a lower level class...for instance with her old Kindergarten teacher or maybe in the library? Maybe the school can't do this during the school day, but they might be willing for her to come 15-20 minutes early (or stay late). At least worth asking about.

Answer 4

Are they in the same classroom? I wonder if it's possible to have her in a different room so she doesn't feel like she's in competition with her brother. Other than that, I would just say spend time alone with her on a regular basis doing something she likes and is good at, and make sure she knows you value what she has to say. Just keep on loving her, appreciating her and letting her know how many great things you like about her.

Answer 5

First thing I would do is to put her in a different class. She's trying so hard to compete with her brother that she is not seeing how smart she probably is. Grade schools normally separate twins for this reason. It also allows twins to define their own personalities. Talk to her teacher about this, she will probably agree.

Answer 6

You are saying that you don't compare them, but how you worded that made it sound like you do. You can tell her that being twins only means they share the same birthday, but are completely different people. When she says she is dumb, be sure to tell her that she isn't, because if she is saying that it is probably a test for you to see if you are going to agree with her or argue that she isn't. You just need to make sure she feels your encouragement. Maybe spend extra time with her doing homework or something, but don't push her too much. Good luck!

Answer 7

I'd take her to a private tutor, as well as a therapist. This has nothing to do with your ability to parent, but she'll get the one on one she needs and she can talk to someone else about how she really feels. She sounds like she's hiding something bigger. I'd take her to a child therapist and have them work on her self esteem with her.