Adult daughter still wanting fathers approval and support in life?

Question

A friendly, but not supportive father. He is 'concerned' alot for my choices... which are not abnormal at all. He will comment until I am feeling second guessing myself. He seems content with our relationship, but it drags me down. In the past I have brought it up and I feel that I am causes problems in the relationship whenver I bring it up. I have not said anything for a year or so.Than I decided that I would not tolerate him dragging me down anymore.I told him that I will tell him off any time that he makes a comment that is not supportive. I told him in an email as emotional topics are 'just not talked about'. He was abusive when I was a child. He is not anymore, but I am sensitive to him now. So he has to stop questioning my decisions. I told him I was angry with him. He was confused as he thought he was just being 'open' with me. And I felt like a heel for saying anything. Should I have just not said anything?

Answer 1

Your father is unable to deal with his emotions. He demonstrated that by being abusive when you were a child and he continues to demonstrate that by not talking about emotional issues and not seeing how he's affecting you. He doesn't realize that his words are hurtful. He sees them as being helpful.

You are teetering on the brink of being his victim and being your own person. You're continuing to allow his words to affect you and you're questioning yourself because of his words. You said he has to stop questioning your decisions. He may never stop doing that. You have to stop questioning your decisions.

Your Dad will always be the way he is until he can see a need and feel a desire for change. You will have to decide how you allow him to affect you. When you feel angry, you have a right to your feelings. You can tell him you're angry and try to work things out or you can hold that anger inside and let it fester. Or, another option, if you feel talking to him will do no good, you can let go of the anger, realize the issue is not about you it's about him. He just doesn't get it.

Trust yourself more. Trust that when you make a decision, it's the right one for you. If he doesn't agree with it, that's his choice. He's not you and you're not him. He doesn't have to agree with everything you decide. And you don't have to agree with everything he decides. You don't need his approval as much as you need your approval. Don't fall victim to his way of doing things. He's doing what he knows and he doesn't know any better. He's not willing to see there may be a better way. In time, he may come around but don't put your life on hold until he does. If you feel the need to tell him you're angry do that but don't expect him to understand. He's demonstrated that he doesn't. Trust yourself and live your life and accept him for who he is, faults and all.

Answer 2

you did the right thing. You don't want anyone you feel close to or ask for advice to continually bring you down. You want to feel like the decisions you are making are correct.

I come from a very similar background with the abuse and seeking dads approval. Unfortunately, I can no longer get that approval or support from my dad as he passed away last year. Even though we did not have the greatest of relationships early on, we became closer in the end and I was able to get some approval from him, but I sure wish he was still here so I could get more advice from him.

So, yes, you are right in not wanting to be brought down. But cherish all the times you have because you don't know when they will end.

Answer 3

You are an adult and you have the right to have relationships be the way you want them to be - even the relationship with your father.

It can be very difficult to switch gears from being parent-child to parent-adult. My own mother (now passed) was very controlling and judgmental. It took me a very long time to even realize how much she was bringing me down and eroding my self esteem. I think you are doing well to have enough insight to realize this earlier in your life. You have a better chance for changing the relationship and being able to be with your dad.

I think that you need to stick to your guns and not let your dad "guilt" you into tolerating his behavior. You CAN have a good relationship with your father . . . IF he can understand that you can still love him without letting him drag you down.

The ball is in his court. He knows what you want, now it's his decision if he can do it.

Hang in there! It will be worth it either way. Either he will listen to you and change his behavior or, if he can't, you at least will know that you tried. But don't settle for things continuing the way they have been.

Good luck!

Answer 4

You live in a day where family is disrespected for monitary and selfish purpose using the abuse excuse. Yes, abuse exists when it's real, not blown out of proportion, not used as an excuse to disrespect authority, not lied about by another person, confusion brought on via relationships with people who have problems of their own (borrowed scenerios), or completely fabricated from the ground up. If a person allows themselves to be manipulated with bunk or manipulates another, bunk is what they'll get. A person should reflect on these things and life in the truth when conversing. It is no different than the person who has falsely been accused should do or in the event a parent has truthfully abused..truth and forgiveness where truth lies and forgiveness or apologies should be.

Yes, there have been parents who've denied their behavior and just as many sons and daughters, if not more, that assume their parents will apologize for events that never existed because they don't belong apologizing for illusions. That means the son or daughter has gotton themselves into a mess with someone who is very controlling and not dealt with that. I don't know about the relationship between you and your father and don't know your family. But, I do know there alot of blame-shift excuses given out there to those who are seeking rift in family relationships such as the word "divorce", for example. Society has entrenched the parent/child relationship into the marital relationship...which is manipulative because they are two very different relationships. In fact, some children are just as testy in homes where no divorce has occurred. So, that is societal excuse for a child to misbehave and the loss of a right for a child to learn the difference between right and wrong - it's a lure and sometimes a sought excuse to a child who's already not taking responsibility for their actions.

*If* you've fallen for some anti-family bunk you'd better take responsibility for that and get rid of it. Family is more important.

Answer 5

constantly demeaning and second guessing your child's decisions in life can be considered abuse if its excessive. What you need to do is step away, don't discuss anything with him anymore.
My mother is the same way...for years she didn't know anything about my life. Then I got pregnant, she was so excited, finally in my life I felt I had done something very right in her eyes. She was unusually supportive during my pregnancy. But now, she's always questioning my decisions for my child. When what I need from her is support or at least just to shut up. She says she over reacted the same way when we were babies about certain things. She seems to forget that I was 8 years old when my first bb brother was born so I remember very clearly their infancy and she never acted that way. Just do what I do, don't discuss any plans for the future with him...only give him the updates. This way he can't discourage you from progressing in life, but you don't totally cut him out either.

Answer 6

Actually you are grown, but you will always i his eye be daddys little girl. You are out own your own now you don't have to accept his decisions only listen to what he has to say and do or say what you feel is right. Even if your father was abusive as a kid still respect him and his feelings. The bible says respect your elders. Everyone has to learn from there own mistakes if you make wrong choices you will see. Have a great life and keep the relationship between you and your father minimal.

Answer 7

U r an adult to take ur own decision,but 1 thing is sure that ur father cares for u and trying to change his behavior,just for u.so have a nice open discussion with him about ur future planning.and ask about his opinion also,so he will try to think about ur opinion also.

Answer 8

Sounds like that is just how your Dad is - Or maybe you are making bad choices...