28 weeks pregnant and considering adoption...advice please!!?

Question

im am 19 years old and 28 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child.i already have 2 other children which i cope with very well.
i have been with my partner for 3 and half years.we both have talke and think it will be best to have this baby adopted,i had post natal depression with my 2nd child social services involved with my 1st due to being 15 at the time and we dont think we will cope as he works away mon to fri so il be on my own.i havent as yet spoke to anyone about this as im so scared.
i havent a clue which way to go but some of me does think it will be best to give this baby a better chance in life.
does anybody have any advice and not nasty comments as this is serious and i havent much time,anything would be greatly recieved.

and to point out im not in any way being selfish all im doing is thinking of this child and the life she will have.there is poeple out there that cant have children and if i cant give this baby a proper life then maybe a lovely couple who cant have children can.
YES i know i should have been using something with my partner but after being told i had endometriosis and had less chance of having children you dont think it will happen.

Answer 1

No judgment here, but please stop and ask yourself what another couple can give your child that you cannot. You can give your child the most precious thing in the world, something NO ONE else in the world can give him/her...you. You are the one with the familiar smell and voice and whose heartbeat he/she has memorized. You are the one who will be able to provide colostrum to nurse your baby and keep it healthy and strong. When your baby is away from you, YOU are the one it will cry for until it is safe inside your arms.
Don't worry about other couples and their feelings, not to be rude, but you need to concentrate on your child's feelings and needs and your feelings and needs (and the babys father also).
Please read the blogs of some first mothers out there and see what relinquishment has done to them. They were once called heroes, saints, the givers of such joy...they were told they would get over it, that they would be happy knowing they gave their child a better life...but I know mothers in their 60s+ who are still crying and grieving over the loss of their children. So many of them gave up their chance to parent their beautiful children over such temporary and trivial things only to realize too late that they could've given their child all they needed. Go to http://www.origins-usa.org and talk to some of these women, listen to their stories. Then go read some blogs by adult adoptees and listen to what the separation from their mothers has done to them. Look out how our rights are stripped from us and how we mourn the loss of our original families. Not all first mothers and adoptees feel the same, but many do and thats worth taking into consideration especially when you factor in that many of us adoptees who grieve were once the happy grateful adoptee too.
What you need is -support-, not losing your child. I had PPD with my first too and I know how scary it is. But you can get medication to help you through that. Its temporary, but losing your child is permanent. Please don't do anything you will regret, not because you think your child needs expensive clothes and swimming pools, not because you think someone else deserves your child more, and not because you think you can't be as good a parent to a 3rd child as you are to your first two. You CAN get through this, just believe in yourself. You can find a LOT of support at the link I provided earlier to Origins USA. Please contact them. You won't regret it.

Answer 2

Apple jacks and rice milk - you may want to consider a cereal with less white sugar, but overall, a good choice. Most cereals are enriched and most milks, even not from cows, have calcium. Grilled cheese sandwich - good source of calcium and fat, both of which you need. Yay if the wheat bread is made of whole wheat. Baked potato with butter - again, you need fat, but that potato has a lot of carbs and vitamins you need, too. Probably the best choice you made. Salad with cheese - I have no idea what you consider a "salad" to be. If you mean spinach leaves, tomatoes, carrots, and cucumbers, it's an excellent choice. If you mean ranch dressing, iceberg lettuce, and cheese, you can just as easily skip it. You should definitely be including more fruits and vegetables (especially green vegetables) in your diet. Also I don't see any concrete sources of protein, which is essential for fetal brain and muscle development. It's not about the weight you gain; it's about the healthiness of what you're eating. You can gain more or less and still be healthy and have a healthy baby.

Answer 3

First I want to commend you for being able to even consider options that are painful to even think about. I placed my son in a fully open adoption 6 years ago. I can't imagine already having 2 children, and then thinking about this.

I will say I went through an agency that does only open adoptions. During my pregnancy I head a testimony from a 9 year old girl and her adoptive family. She was placed for adoption under similar circumstances.

She talked openly about her brothers and sisters. Her siblings were not part of her adoptive family, but her birth family. Through the open adoption she was able to be a part of both. Not to say she had two moms or dads. She had a bmother and a bfather, and a Mom and Dad (her adoptive parents).

I don't regret my decision. I regret that the circumstances were not different at the time. I have a wonderful relationship with my son, and I have a wonderful relationship with his parents. He does know I am his bmom, and that he grew in my tummy.

You have some very hard decisions to make. There will be a lot of intense emotions along this long road. I wish I could make it easier on you by telling you what the right answer is. Adoption is not easy, but for some it is the right choice.

If I can answer any questions you might have now or in the future please feel free to contact me.

Answer 4

Please listen to Marsha. Your baby's "best chance in life" is to be with his natural family which is obviously a loving family. Just because you had post natal depression for your 2ND child does not mean that you will have it again. Please talk to a counselor with your husband to discuss the effects of relinquishing your child. That counselor should NOT associated with an adoption agency - they only get paid if you give your baby away and will push you in that direction. And talk to mothers who have suffered through losing a child.

Instead of working on a so-called "adoption plan", I would like to suggest that you put your energy into preparing for your child's birth to help you cope when your child comes home. Babysit for friends now and then cash in your favors for babysitting help post birth. Cook and freeze as many meals as you can. Simplify your daily routine. Ask your family members to help. Line up mental health care in case you need it. Above all, do not even think about adoption until you have met your baby and tried parenting.

I am the eldest of 7 children and grew up in a poor family. I cannot imagine coping with losing one of my younger siblings. My parents struggled but made a happy home for us. No frills, but happy. We all helped!

Answer 5

I have had 3 children and I gave the middle child up because it was the right thing to do, I wasn't in a situation financially or emotionally to care for another kid. It was the best thing I have ever done, he has a wonderful life and my 2 children and husband now are better for it. I think sometimes God gives another family a chance to be a parent through us who are able to have children. You should definitely consider this and don't worry about selfishness or anything someone else might say. I have never regretted or even cried because I know I did the right thing even though I kept my other kids. There is a great joy in being able to make someone else a parent too. that might be a little selfish :) Good luck!

Answer 6

Do you have friends or family near by? Ask their opinion. They are on the outside of your situation and may be able to see it better. If you are doing well with 2, then you will do just fine with 3. How old is your youngest? If your little one is under the age of 1 then it can be more stressfull. If you decide to adopt out, make sure you get counciling for you and for your oldest. Your oldest is about 3-4 years right? That is old enough to understand what is going on and this child may be concerned that you will give him/her away also. Also, think, your oldest will be going to school soon. You will have less children at home for a few hours a day. The decision is truely yours. Just make sure you think of all the other things you can do instead of adopting out. But if you need to, go through a good agency with a good reputation. Do your research. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 7

I am so sorry to hear you're going through this difficult time. I would talk to someone you trust in your family, or someone else you think can give you an unbias opinion that knows you personally. If you know in your heart that there is no way you can possibly raise this baby in the way you see fit, then call adoption agencies or if you know someone personally that longs for a child ask them if they would consider adopting your baby. I, for one, would be thrilled if someone approached me to adopt their unborn child so you probably would make their day. But you have to really think long and hard about this, it's a very personal and frightening decision. Children are alot of work and sometimes we all feel like we reached our limits, but you can try open adoption if you still want contact of some sort. If you want no contact then a closed adoption is for you. There are adoption agencies you can call in your area I am sure. If you want help getting ahold of anyone feel free to email me as well. sabre118 at hotmail.com

Answer 8

if you feel its too much then you should give the baby a chance to live. but i know it will haunt you and mabye an opened adoption and then youc an later explain or what ever. i mean its up to you there are so many questions and i thnk maybe a letter to the child deposited soemwhere for the baby on the medical and may that would help but i know being adtoped it will always be wondering why did you give the baby up and you can tell them. its best to do this and also give the medical for you and hubby its all up to you take it carefully and really think this out before you do it once you sign the papers its done and can't be revrseed. take care.

Answer 9

i think it is harder for someone to decide to give their child up for adoption than to keep it. it's hard. you just want to do what is best for the baby. you do what you think is right. do not listen to all the people that think you are being selfish and only thinking about yourself. it's not like you want to give them child up because you want to party, you think that adoption might be it's best chances for a great life. however, if i were you, i would only give the child up if there was no way that you can care for the child. giving a child up is not always a good situation and it's not always bad either. it's a chance. just like birth children. some of them have great lives and some of them don't. do what you want to do.

Answer 10

If I judge from what I read above you must be a good mom.Consider a lot before giving your baby to another family cause noone and I mean NOONE will love it and care more for it than you.I see that there are some problems with your husband since he's working a lot but someone must do that in order to have money to provide your children what they need.Raising 3 kids is a very difficult thing to do but think that there are so many good moments in that which make it worthy.If you finally decide to give it make sure that the family that is going to have it will have the financial stability and that they will love it as their own.Take care

Answer 11

im 19 and i dont have any kids, but honey i dont see how you could let someone else have one of your babys, shes part of you. think about the long term yes maybe someone else could get her more attention and buy her nice things because they have more money, yes you have 2 kids, but in 5 years from now are you going to wonder where she is and if shes okay and are you going to tell me that part of you wont feel like you missed out on her and you will wish you would have gave her a chance. It might be hard but what if when she grows up she thinks i wonder why my mom didnt want me? shes not going to know why you gave her up. just that you did. you really need to talk long and hard about it before you decide what you are going to do. But im really very happy that you are going to let her be born into this world even tho its not a nice one sometimes.. your doing good so far. and im not all into the god stuff real big lol but may god bless you and help you along with whatever you do.
ps i would like to know what you do decide so if you could let me know.. ill back u up either way but you should really think about keeping her... listen to your heart.....