Forgiveness?

Question

My father was not really a part of my life growing up. My parents divorced when I was 7 and prior to the divorce my dad would pretty much work, come home and then watch sports. He didn't take much interest in his kids. He was very violent and constantly yelling at my mom or his children, on more then one occasion he got physical with my mom or siblings. I kind of grew up being afraid of him. He really wasn't much of my life all through school, only showing up to some sporting events and in my view more interested in women then his kids.

Now that I am an adult I don't really talk to my dad, months go by, maybe even a year and we don't talk. Recently we spoke and he asked me why I didn't want to have a relationship with him and that he was sad he daughter didn't want to get to know him.

I want to forgive him, but I don't want to be hurt anymore and I don't want to be mistreated either...How do you go about putting a relationship like this back together or should you try?

I did tell him how I felt somewhat, although it is hard to be completely honest without someone getting defensive, he seemed willing to accept he had made some mistakes, but not completely willing. However, I don’t want to carry this baggage with me for the rest of my life, I want to try to move on, just unsure how…

Answer 1

Forgive him and try again, it's never too late.

Answer 2

Its hard to build a relationship back after it has been destroyed. There is a big difference between forgiving & forgeting. For a long time I thought they were the same thing. Forgiving someone means you can let go of any hard feelings towards the person. Forgetting is somthing you probably will never do.
The Father, Child relationship is lost. You are not a child anymore & the relationship wasent built during your childhood. It is possible to build a family relationship as adults.
My Father has passed away & I find myself wondering often how things could have been. People can change. Be carefull not to put yourself in any dangerous positions untill you have seen evidence that he is not going to react aggresevily during your time together.
I hope this has helpped & you are able to make the right decision for you.

Answer 3

WOW how close to my heart this came! i am 26 years old, my parents divorced when i was 6 and i saw my dad once or twice after, then didnt see or hear from him again until i was 25. i had a hard time dealing with this. where has he been? does he like me? why wasnt he there? why didnt he call or write? but its time to move on. not forgiving will hurt you in the longrun. you are not here to judge. thats Gods doing. forgive him. people make mistakes, sometimes those mistakes turn into decades of not talking but its not always their intention to ignore you or make you feel less of a person. things happen, maybe you dont know the whole story. dont live in the past, tell him you want a relationship and work on your future!! good luck!

Answer 4

it is only when:
1. You are ready to either say goodbye to him forever, or ask why he did what he did and truly listen to the answer if he will give it
and
2. only when he is completely willing to admit and accept all mistakes, and possibly try to explain them (not by means of justification, however) then you can both move forward. He needs to realise what he did wrong and sincerely apologise - you will be able to tell whether it is sincere or not.

You can and you will lose the emotional baggage when the time is right for you, trust me.

Forgiveness sets you free:
My dad and I didnt see each other for ten years till i was 26: bolt out of the blue, long story, but i emailed him and said I'd say goodbye forever if he had no intention of ever seeing my bro and I again. And we started again, we were reunited. My heart changed forever in the best way.

God bless, best wishes to you x x x

Answer 5

start a relationship w/him. set up boundries from the beginning and make them clear to him. write them down and give them to him if you think that would help. set goals for the relationship: ie: will speak on phone 2x per month, will meet for a meal 1x per month, etc. i had a very poor relationship w/my father for most of my adult life and only a few years ago did we start to mend it. i had to accept that there were things about him that i truly disliked and had a hard time with and that were not ever going to change, so i had to accept some of them, and made it clear to him that some of them were 'deal-breakers' and that i would withdraw for a period of time if they became problematic. we ended up reconciled. we were not what i would call real close but we got along and saw each other regularly. now i am so very glad that we did. he died suddenly last january and if i had not tried to make him a part of my life i would be guilt ridden at the least.
people do change, although not as much as we would often hope that they do. give him a chance. make a set of rules for yourself and for him to follow and have a relationship. it may never be much more than a meal together every once in a while, but it will be better for both of you than nothing at all.

Answer 6

I know a man who was divorced and he lost contact with his children, He's ex wife poisoned the children's minds. They all live in the same town and he knew were they were. once he told me he saw them at a park and he said that the son never came over to say hello, My reply was that he was the parent it was his job to do the running so that his son would know that he was there for him if ever the son needed him. Parents are there to give love and protection, If they can't do that then they don't deserve love back.

I think it is always difficult for the child and no matter how old you are you are always the child and until the parent comes to you, they never loose that feeling of rejection and resentment that you must be feeling.


Your farther was selfish and his behaviour now sounds like some more of the same, he is old and now he wants something from you that he never gave you, I wouldn't give it to him, but if it is something that you need, then go ahead, but don't be pressurised to do what in your heart you know you don't want to.

Answer 7

Forgiveness means giving him a chance to earn your trust. He doesn't have to agree with everything about the parent-child relationship in order for you two to have a parent-adult relationship, because they are very different. By deepening the new relationship, you will have a venue for healing the residuals of the prior relationship. It may be hard, but it is easier than trying to do so after a parent dies.

Answer 8

I don't know - it seems like a risky idea to make yourself vulnerable to this person again. I would seek some therapy, if you're able. Someone else might be able to help guide you through this.

As for forgiving him, I think it would be possible to do. I just don't know if I think it's the best idea for you to have a relationship again with an abusive parent, even if you are an adult now. It could take its toll.

Answer 9

Personally I think the idea of "forgive & forget" is usually bogus in situations like this. It makes no sense for you (in terms of preserving yourself emotionally or even physically) to completely forget the way he has treated you in the past, and to just wholeheartedly forgive him requires you to let go of things that it doesn't exactly make sense to let go of. It opens you up to being hurt again, which doesn't make logical sense to do. That said, if you want a relationship with him, you will have to let yourself trust him, and to do that, you'll have to stop holding things against him. It's up to you though--if you care enough to start the relationship over, and if you're willing to trust him, then try it.

But I'd suggest laying down some ground rules for him--such as, "you're not allowed to walk in and out of my life as you see fit"--if he doesn't respect the ground rules, make it clear that you're not going to continue the relationship.

I have a similar situation with my father, although I haven't seen him in over 8 years, and don't think he cares to patch things up. It took me awhile to learn that in relationships like this, both people have to be willing to try--you both have to want the same thing and be willing to work together to get there, which takes a lot of time and effort. If you're both not into it, then it won't work.

Hope this helps.

Answer 10

The damage is done don't let anyone fool you into thinking everything will be just fine. Try small things, maybe invite him if you can to thanksgiving dinner with your family. If you mom's there that probably wont work so you might try something else, like just having him over for hamburgers or so. Go slow ( if you want to go at all) see if he really is wanting to have another chance. Who knows you might get to like each other.

Answer 11

I would suggest starting slowly and seeing how it goes. If he lives close, schedule a monthly or whatever lunch date and tell him that you want to try, but that he's hurt you in the past and that you don't want to feel that way again. Tell him you are giving him one chance. He'll get it. And if he doesn't, some men were not meant to be fathers of great women. You'll get by. Seek help if you have to to help you with your issues. It's always easier when you have someone reliable and neutral to talk to.