My EX and I had a daughter. She wasn't planned at all, but for the last four years (and yes she is 4) she has been the joy of our lives. I know eventually she is going to ask all the normal questions about babies, where they come from, why her mother and I are no longer together, etc... Her mother and I have decided if and when she asks about it to tell her that even though she was unplanned, she has never been unwanted.
Just curious what you think about what or how to tell her.
And it is only something we will do if she asks about it.
2007-11-07 06:00:08 · 51 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
To all of you that didn't read the question, or didn't understand it hope this clears it up.
We are not going to just tell her one day out of the blue that she was a mistake. It is only something we will discuss with her if SHE is the one that asks.
2007-11-07 06:11:32 · update #1
Instead of saying unplanned, say that she was a pleasant surprise that has been the joy of you and her mother since the two of you found out you were expecting a child.
2007-11-07 06:05:45 · answer #1 · answered by Just Me 6 · 9⤊ 0⤋
I'm in the same situation as you- my daughter was not planned at all. I got pregnant with her about a month before my husband and I got married. We're still married and very much in love- we didn't get married because of my being pregnant. We had already been engaged for several months before I got pregnant. I know the day's coming when she does the math and realizes that she came into this world 7 months after her father and I got married.
The answer that I'm planning to give her is that her father and I were in love with each other, and sometimes things happen when 2 people are in love. She was a big surprise, but is such a blessing to have. We didn't plan on having her when we did, but sometimes things just happen.
You could tell your daughter something similar, but just explain that sometimes moms and dads don't get along- but that doesn't mean that she's not special and loved.
2007-11-07 06:08:23 · answer #2 · answered by JustMyOpinion 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
For the person in the post below...." just because she got pregnant doesn't mean she had unprotected sex. Condoms do break!" anyway, I will one day have the same problem my son is going to be nine and he is very smart. He does the math and knows that I was 17 when I had him. He also knows that that is only a teenager. (his father and I are still together so it may be a little easier) Like you I do NOT consider him a mistake! When the time is right *you will know when* I would just simply tell her that she was your greatest gift no matter when or how she was conceived. and you have loved her ever since! I would also add that when you found out you were very excited and couldn't wait to see her...what she looked like...etc. good luck
2007-11-07 06:22:10 · answer #3 · answered by mama3 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't think it's that psychologically damaging to tell a child they were not planned (not wanted is another story, of course). I know I was unplanned, but I've never felt unloved, and I think that's really all that matters.
Having said that, however, I would only tell her if she asks. Otherwise it's a non-issue. But just be very matter of fact about it (I like the "happy surprise" line) and don't look or act guilty about it, because there really is no reason to be. Your calm reaction to the question and reassurance of love will be all that she needs.
2007-11-07 06:13:53 · answer #4 · answered by Gina M 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You are worring about something that should be the least of your worries, never tell a child they were unplanned - kids take that to a whole new level at some point in your childs life she/he will understand that you and your ex - were together at one point but will never know you too as together so will not be effected by the situation telling he/she was unplanned would probably effect your child more than you saying nothing at all. Sure your child was planned as soon as you found out you guys were pregnant you all were making all sorts of plans right?
2007-11-07 06:12:21 · answer #5 · answered by Kristin M 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Tell her what my parents told me when I asked....you were the biggest suprise ever, we weren't expecting you but knowing that you were in there was like Christmas and a birthday all tied into one.....you were the best suprise that could ever happen to anyone. We have loved you from the beginning....
My little girl is due in March and just because she wasn't planned has never meant she wasn't wanted. We are already in love with her....she is the light of our lives already and we haven't even seen her yet.
If you make an anology to something exciting like holidays it will make your child excited that they were the best ever!
Good luck for when she asks the tough questions someday!
2007-11-07 06:16:06 · answer #6 · answered by For my scars shall mold me 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
At least you don't have to worry about the mother and father part. I would say 8 out of 10 American kids don't have both bio parents together. I don't.
As far as not being planned goes, well, that's all academic. She is here. Nothing is changing that. So, it would be more harm than good to bring that up, and knowing that doesn't change much anyway. Still get hungry, still have to abide by the law of gravity, etc.
2007-11-07 06:09:06 · answer #7 · answered by perfectlybaked 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
i agree with everybody else. that she was not a planned pregnancy is between you and your ex and there's absolutely nothing to be gained by ever telling her that. the normal questions about babies don't typically include "was I planned?" ... i certainly wouldn't expect her ever to ask! even if she did ultimately say something like why did you have me if you didn't want to be married to each other, it would be plenty sufficient to say that you both love her and are very glad she was born even though you couldn't stay married.
what would she do with that information, anyway?! tell her where babies come from, for sure. tell her that you and your ex both love her but were making each other unhappy when you were together. and then emphasize again that you both love her. that's plenty of information for any kid.
2007-11-07 06:11:25 · answer #8 · answered by ... 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
i think you just tell her the sequence of events that occured...it would be too harsh to say "you were not planned" or anything to that effect....recount the process from when you broke up to when you found out (or whichever came first) and how you felt, but be sure to tell her, every step of the way, that you love her immensely, and you were glad to have her....take her through the events all the way to when you first saw her as a baby...it will give her a clearer picture, and she will understand the situation better. you sound like a really good father. i wish you all the very best.
2007-11-07 06:06:59 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
My son came along when I had a 13 yr old. He was a surprise to the largest degree. Our son is now 3 and he is the greatest surprise that God could have ever given us. If he asks that is what we will tell him.
Most babies, I believe it is something like 78% are surprises. It really is no big deal, it is how you handle the surprise that matters.
2007-11-07 06:05:10 · answer #10 · answered by New England Babe 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋