Im engaged to a man that I love and have a great relationship with, but I hate his family. Should we marry?

Question

Throughout our relationship, his mom has been very controlling: treating us like children, calling and coming over all time, wanting to pay for things, getting upset when we didnt participate in family events, etc. Then everything got worse the day we first told them we were moving out of state, they went balistic and said a lot of disrespectful things to me b/c it was for my job, but he chosen to come with me. I have not spoken to his mother since that day, which was 2 yrs ago. Through this time, my boyfriend's relationship has deteriorated w/his family too. They barely talk on phone and when they do they start fighting. His family asked to come visit us and we refused b/c his mother wants to act like nothing ever happened without confronting the issue or apologizing to me. We our going visit our home state soon (my fam still lives there too) and I know if I try and sit down and talk with her, she wont want to talk about it and things will escalate. What should I do?

Also, my bf told his dad they are welcome to come over anytime but be ready to discuss the situation and to have his mom call when she is ready to confront the issue. She has not called since (its been a few months). I just refuse to be the bigger person. Also she goes thru this with her ma-in-law and did not want my bf and his bro to see their grandmother. I wouldnt deprive my child of their grandmother though, that's btw us!!

Answer 1

Apparently his family is trying to forget the situation. If they don't apologize "SO WHAT." Be the adult in the situation; move on.
From your story it is very apparent his family doesn't like you, and you obviousely don't like them either.
Knowing this; you should let your boyfriend/ fiance' handle the interaction and conversations with them.
When you two go home to visit; visit his family for a quick minute, if he want's to stay for longer, let him and go to see your family. When he's ready to leave you two get back together and go back to visit your family; at which you don't stay at your families house unless that is where you two mutually would rather be, otherwise; leave there and for the remainder of the evening visit with mutual friends. This shows unity, compromise and maturity in your character and your relationship. As far as if you should marry.
Don't put off marrying a man you love and who obviously loves you back; just because his family is crazy. Can't you see; he chose you, you won.
Or are you so blind with selfishness, and unbound hate for his family that you can see that? Let me tell you something; it sounds like you have a good man, get over what ever it is you have going with his family, and focus on him and you as a couple. If you don't you will put him in an uncomfortable situation, then he will eventually look at you as the bad guy. So just chill out and play it cool when it comes to his relatives. You have a very good man, and at a time when you have a large population of single women out there, that are looking for the kind of man you have, you better learn to pick your battles and let him fight the battles where his family is concerned.

Answer 2

This is a tough issue. Personally, I believe the support of the parents on both sides is paramount to the success and vitality of a healthy relationship. But love is love. Very few decisions in life are as important or affect you as much as the decision of who you will marry. If there have been other red flags as well I would say 'don't do it'. If, however, this is the only snag in a relationship that you feel is a gift then it shouldn't be a deal breaker. Just be ready to deal with the many, and i mean many, consequences of marrying someone who's family you don't get along with. You are essentially marrying his family as well because more often than not the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree.

Blessings and best of luck!

Answer 3

Marry him, so long as you realize that these things have a high possiblity of getting worse. Think about when you have kids, and she wants to see ehr grandchildren, etc. You marry him, but you marry into the family. Try to talk it out with her over the phone, but tell her form the get go that if things get out of hand, yelling, etc, then you are going to hang up. If/when things turn into heated conversation, just hang up, wait ten minutes, then call her back. You may be surprised. Some parents, especially mothers, can be very protective of their children. It seems she hasn't been able to see you as a mature young woman, so you need to keep a level head and show her. Good luck!

Answer 4

You are all adults. You should try one time to sit down and talk and if it doesn't work, then at least you know you tried. Maybe try it with your boyfriend there too so it's not just a one on one situation and maybe she will be more willing to listen then. You should follow your heart. It is nice if you can get along with your significant others family, but sometimes you just have to agree to disagree. Family ties will be important especially if children ever come into the picture. All you can do is try. If it doesn't work at that point, then that's not on you anymore.

Answer 5

get it resolved. i always say you are not marrying a family, you are marrying a person so it doesn't matter if you get along with the family. however, experience tells me that is wrong. while you don't have to love each other, you do have to be able to get along with each other. the fact that his relationship with them is bad now doesn't mean he may not want to renew it later (especially after you have kids if you do). the stress of a bad family relationship will cause fights between you two as well. he will want his parents to see the kids and you won't...

as for her apologizing to you, sometimes it is just better to let things pass and move forward. you don't always have to rehash the past. if she is willing to move on and accept you then maybe you should try to do the same. personally, i don't see what's wrong with his mom wanting you to participate in family events and buy you things. most people would love a mother-in-law like that. maybe there is something in your own past that sees her actions as suspect rather than genuine. or maybe you left something out.

i definitely think you two should go to couples counseling and make sure you will be able to be married and deal with his family. cutting them out isn't really good for him or your potential children. good luck.

Answer 6

I understand how you feel. I married my husband because I love him and still do now. But, I did not realize his mother was very controlling. She does have good intentions but she was used to getting her way all the time. She has a habit of getting things done her way by threathing to not do or do something and always have. I sometimes wish now that I would have been a little more careful in who I married. I DOO love him with everything in me, but sometimes she does drive me crazy. I happen to be living with her as well! So, you know it puts a strain in my marrige. I have THOUGHT of leaving my husband JUST so I won't put up with her anymore. But, it is up to you. Be careful and understand that how you marry's mother plays a important role in your life as well, unfortornately. I wish you the best! Do you love him? If you really love him, it will be worth it putting up with all the crap.

Answer 7

you are the center of the new family, you have a lot of responsibility to maintain good and civilized relationships, otherwise you will suffer greatly later, when you have your own children. You love your Mother right? So does your husband, she is his Mother with all good and bad, you will be a Mother too, not perfect either, do not ever forget it. Be a bigger person, you are young and you have a lot of years ahead of you, be generous, your husband will love you more, not less if you show good will and will be reasonable and caring, not vindictive.

Answer 8

You won't be marrying his family, will you?

I suppose you are the person who needs to decide if you want to accept his family with some sort of dignity, or continue the hostility forever. Perhaps it might be ok to take the chance this ONE time and let them visit...

You can always call his mother and let her know she is welcome in your home, and take the adult stance, letting her know you'd like to let the past stay there OR you could do otherwise.

Tolerating our spouse's family, in-laws, out-laws and etc, comes with the territory when we are married.. believe me... my son's mother in law is a real head case, but i have accepted her at face value.. because i can't change her....

take care.

Answer 9

I know it must not be easy to be with someone knowing his family does not like you. Family is important and you should try to find a way to make piece with his mom. However, if she continues to disrespect you then stop trying and just keep your distance. She is just angry you took her little boy away from her but she will have to get over it sooner or later. It might not be till your wedding day, or till your first child is born, but trust me she will get over it. What ever you do, do not let this question your relationship, if you are truly happy with him, then marry him. GOOD LUCK

Answer 10

You should marry him. Contrary to what most people say, you're NOT marrying his family. You're marrying him. It sounds like you are both on the same page with her behavior. You live very far away. I don't see it as a big problem.
Don't bother trying to sit down and talk with her, you're better off without that relationship.