How can I convince my husband?

Question

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 5 years now. After 2 miscarriages and month after month of disappointment, I am seriously considering adoption. I have done some research and am actually quite excited at the prospect of adopting. The problem is, my husband is not at all interested. Everytime I bring it up he just says, "I don't think I could adopt". He doesn't want to talk about it and keeps saying he wants us to keep trying to conceive for another year. I am 37. I don't want to give up on TTC but I would like to start the process of adoption knowing it could take up to 2 years.

Any advice on how I could get my husband to be more open to this? I have given him info on common myths about adoption, but that didn't seem to help. I think he is just really set on having OUR baby, which would be great, but I can't imagine life without having a child at all and I feel if we don't start looking into adoption, that could be the case.

We have been to fertility specialists and I am currently seeing an acupuncturist but I am tired of waiting. We have just been unlucky and I don't want to wait another 3 or 4 years before I get pregnant again.
My thoughts on adopting would be a child under the age of 1, and most hopefully a newborn.

Those of you who think I am a terrible person because I would choose my own child before adoption need to grow up! Of course I would love to have my own child as would most people in the world. I want a child to love, teach, support and have fun with. Because I haven't, and possibly, can't have children I would like to be able to give it to a child who doesn't have a parent! So get over your high and mighty attitude that I am doing the child "harm" by adopting. Thank god there are people out there who want to adopt so they don't all just end up their whole lives in an orphanage. I think any child would love to have parents.

My goal is not to put a "band aid" on my infertility but rather to have a child! If I can't have one on my own, why shouldn't I adopt?!?

Answer 1

Suffering such disappointment can be devastating for a woman and often times the husband doesn't even know the scope of the suffering. Let you husband know how you've been feeling, what it feels like to be upset every time you fail. Ask him why it is he can't see himself adopting. Perhaps he doesn't think he would love an adopted child enough or perhaps he's scared of not knowing fully what he's getting into with an adopted child, you often don't know much about their backgrounds.

One option you have is support groups for parents looking into adoption. Try these sights

http://www.adoptionsupport.org/

http://www.adoptionservices.org/adoption/adoption_support_groups.htm

The best you can do is let your husband know what you've been through and why you want to adopt a child. Communication is key in tense situations like this, try not to get overly emotional, tears will only upset your husband and in the worse scenario make him think you're trying to manipulate him. Just give him all the information that you've collected, the facts, and then go from there. Perhaps you could even get in touch with someone in one of the groups that lives in your area that could help you breach the topic with your husband, someone who has an insiders knowledge is always helpful. Good Luck and I hope you have a child sometime soon!

Answer 2

Having a baby is approximately two individuals in an effort to me one more month is not anything. Here we're in April virtually so why now not wait until May and simply loosen up. You would now not get pregnant immediately besides..Be sufferer and a bit compromise in no way harm any marriage. Have you now not heard the historic pronouncing "persuade a person towards his will and he's of the identical opinion nonetheless" Remember a well marriage is "do not sweat the small stuff" Be relaxed, loosen up and say Yes we agreed on May and so be it.

Answer 3

I am a adoptive father. We have adopted two little boys through the foster care system.

When we first started the process, I was not sure I wanted to adopt. Partially because I wasn't sure I wanted to be a father to a young child again (we had our own children 15 years ago) and partially because I wasn't certain I could 'get over' the child not being my 'true' child. I can understand your husband's feelings.

However, because I love my wife and she wanted to adopt, I agreed to go through the process of becoming foster parents (foster-to-adopt). I always reserved the right to opt out if I did not feel I wanted to continue. Over the course of time, I saw that these kids were in real need and became more convinced that the 'right' thing to do was to adopt. Eventually, we fostered two little boys and became very attached to them. When they were placed for adoption we jumped at the chance.

My suggestion... suggest to him that you becoming foster parents. You can still continue to try to become pregnant and don't have to make any permanent decisions. Doing this, you and he will have an opportunity learn about adoption and perhaps meet several kids in need. Eventually, he *may* come to feel that he can feel for one or more of these kids like a parent. Don't force this on him, don't force him to adopt if he is still uncomfortable, accept that this is something you must do as a couple. However, this will allow you both to 'test the waters' of of having a child in your home, while also doing some good. (Note, this will also cost you nothing, unlike starting the process of a private adoption.)

Answer 4

Don't. Convincing someone to adopt is a recipe for disaster

Answer 5

Have you had a doctor determine why you are not able to carry to term and having difficulty conceiving? If not, check that out first. Unfortunately, with adoption, if one parent is that negative about it, it may be a bad idea. If he does agree to adoption just to make you happy and he doesn't bond with the child in any way, the adoption will them be more harm than good for that child. If he cannot look at a child that is not his biologically and accept it as his own, then you may be looking at deciding between being married or having children.

Answer 6

I would suggest two things....

First off a lot of people (not just men) can't imagine the thought of loving a child that's not their biologically. Some can't understand that you don't have to have that blood tie in order to love someone...(even though you don't have that with your spouse)

I would maybe set up a meeting with an adoption counselor. It might help him to have someone he can ask questions and actually KNOW the answers instead of reading pamphlet after pamphlet that says "not typical in all cases" or "every situation is different"...Also...he might be more receptive to the idea once he realizes that successful adoptions happen everyday. PLUS it will help him realize just how long the adoption process can be...maybe he'll be more willing to look into it if he realizes that you might not be a good candidate for placing a child in another 3 or 4 years or longer when he may get around to looking into it. (not that it would happen....but the older you get the chances that something medical could come up that wouldn't make you a viable option)

Also...look into surrogacy....it might help that at least part of the child is biologically your husband's...and you can use a donor egg as well. (or maybe even get one of your own eggs implanted).

Also...schedule an informational meeting with your fertility specialist with your husband and you. He might not be realizing just how good your chances are for actually conceiving. Maybe having a qualified professional say..."well you've done this and that....you probably have such & such a chance of actually conceiving now at this point" It might help to put things into perspective for him. Just like having a terminal illness...sometimes it takes a person having a Dr say "it's just not going to happen" before they actually move on to accept their situation.

Good luck. And remind him that being parents and raising children isn't always about biology. (my husband adores my oldest son...and he's no more related to him than your husband would be to an adopted child).

Answer 7

How can I convince my husband?

Answer 8

You cannot force your husband into adoption. Most people want kids because they are biologically theirs. If thats why your husband wants his own that is understandable. If he wants his child and not someone elses that is understandable.
Whether you agree with his decision or not you need to respect it and forget adoption. I do believe both potential parents have to agree to adopt.

Answer 9

This isn't the answer you want to hear I know, but you really can't convince someone to adopt a child anymore than you can convince them to marry someone they don't love, conceive a baby they don't want to have, become friends with someone they don't like, etc. Its like when you're young and you really fall for someone hard, but that person doesn't love you back and you wish and wish you could force that person to love you. Deep down inside though, you know it wouldn't be fair to either of you so as much as it hurts, you let go.
I was in the same position as you were, wanting to adopt but my husband not wanting to and I went through many times of wishing I knew the right thing to say to him to make him want the same thing I wanted. But, as someone who was adopted by a woman who really wanted me and loved me very much and a man who only adopted me to make her happy, I knew it was unfair to the child to bring them into our family unless my husband was 100% on board of his own free will. He did come around eventually, about 12 years later, without my prompting.
My advice is to keep with the TTC or put all the baby talk on hold and take a break for awhile and if he comes around on his own later and wants to explore adoption then discuss it again. In the meantime you can research all of the things involved in adoption, all the ethical stuff, agencies, foster care program, adoptee and first parent issues, attachment, grief and trauma, all of those things so at a later date you will be very well informed.

Answer 10

Adoption DOES NOT cure infertility.

It's wrong to convince a spouse to adopt, those type of marriages typically break up after you are raising a stranger's child.

Turn your attention to accepting a childfree life