Why do I feel my brother in law hates me?

Question

We have this cold war going between me and my brother in law ever since my sister got married 5 yrs back. Now they have a kid and I live with them. I try to do everything possible for him to talk to me but it is just not happening. He talks but he answers in such a rude way that one do not feel like asking him anything. I care for him but it seems like he does not care for me at all. So today I got a gift for my niece and he did not like it because he wanted to get the same thing for her. Now how would I know if he won't communicate with me nicely. I have to think ten times before asking him anything what if he will feels bad. Becos he is really moody and when he gets angry he closes himself in a room and won't even come out to eat or shower. He had done it earlier when I wanted to watch my channel and he got really upset. Whenever I go out i make sure I get him something but he never buys anything for me .I do not want that to happen as this is just not good. Please tell me what to do

I have a job but my sister won't let me go live somewhere else. The only reason why I am staying with them is becos my sister wants too. She has literary begged me to live with her.

I was initially living somewhere else but he asked my sister that why am I wasting money rather I should come live with them so that I can help them with house work.

Answer 1

Maybe he's tired of you living there?

In-laws are not meant to live together. Get a job and find your own place. I bet his mood will improve.

Answer 2

Hon, first thing -- you can't "buy" a person's affection, and getting something for your brother in law EVERY time you go out is not really very sound thinking -- he's an adult and he doesn't need a constant stream of gifts.

Maybe you could consider getting your own place as soon as possible? Perhaps it's not you, but someone else who made the primary decision you could live there, and he resents it? I dont' know, i'm just grasping at straws.

It's hard when outsiders invade our space and homes.. and i know you are not trying to invade his home, but there you are, big as life. It's really inconvenient.

I hope you will consider moving... that would probably be the best solution overall.

Answer 3

Hi,

It seems like you have ended up in a situation where you don't have your own life but are living as part of your sister's.

He may have been the one to suggest you move in at first but the realities of it don't seem to be living up to either of your expectations. I think he may be jealous not having his wife completely to himself and your contribution to the household, necessary as it may be, is resented. Men can be quite proud creatures.

Your first step needs to be formulating a Plan B - what do YOU want from your life and project 10 years ahead and consider what you would like to have achieved. Then work out how you can achieve that. You need to make sure you have put away enough finance to provide your own accomodation if needed. Just doing these things will empower you and allow you to see your brother-in-law's behaviour more clearly for what it is.

Once you have got yourself all empowered up with a Plan B then you need to be brave and speak to your sister, tell her that you are concerned about her husband's behaviour and attitude towards you. Ask her how she feels about him shutting himself away and whether she has considered that he may be suffering from depression or be an undiagnosed diabetic for example which could account for his behaviour.

You never know your sister may be equally unhappy and it may be her hubby that needs to move on but you do need to be honest and open with them both and be brave enough to go it alone if it isn't working out for them having you there. I don't know about you but I could get a bit of that man pride thing going if I thought someone was putting up with me because they felt sorry for me in any way.

Above all value you, your own life and individuality and remember there is probably a soul mate out there just waiting for you to come looking for him, not all men are like your brother-in-law.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Well, it doesn't appear that he's going to change soon. Stop buying him things and just don't give him the time of day, but don't be rude about it. Soon enough, he'll figure out that he's got to earn his gifts. If he's not going even thank you for bringing things for him, then stop it all together. Back off just a little bit and wait for him to make the first move for once.

Answer 5

I would definitely do as everyone else has suggested and move out. I was in the same situation with my brother & sister in law (as well as their three daughters). I did everything; cleaned, cooked, did EVERYONES laundry. And still there was hatred on her end.

I moved out =) And now she's the nicest person in the world.