Homosexual daughter bringing home a transgendered...how would you feel?

Question

Ok, so my parents don't know that I'm a lesbian. I think they have somewhat of an idea, but I don't know for sure. For Thanksgiving, I want to bring home one of my friends who is an obviously female-to-male transgendered. I'm hoping that this might get them started in asking some questions. However, I honestly do not know how they might react.

As parents (particularly mothers), how might you respond if your daughter brought home a visually obvious transgendered man (as a friend only, not dating) for the weekend holiday?

(note: this is my first semester in college and away from home)

Oh, and I've known about my sexuality long before college, so it's not new to me at all.

Another thing is that if my friend can't come home with me, he has to go spend the weekend with his abusive father (very long story)

Answer 1

I think you better let them in on the fact your a lesbian. As for bringing this person alone, i don't think it would be a huge issue as long as their sexual past/preference is not a topic of conversation. Your there to see your parents, and enjoy the holiday. Save the serious stuff for a privet meeting. Just my thoughts, take it for what it's worth.

Answer 2

I think you should tell your mother/father/both that you have a friend who is transgended and because of an abusive family you would like it if he/she (what do you 'call' them??don't mean to be rude) could spend the holiday with you rather than alone or being abused.

I would NOT want it sprung on me by a 'hi mum look who I brought home' at the door on christmas eve, but I think if you explain the circumstances how could they say no? thats just cruel and completely out of the christmas spirit.

You don't have to mention your sexuality as it really has nothing to do with it unless you want to, but maybe get through this first and tell them in a more private setting later.

Don't show up, ask first as they do have the right to say no. it is their home, but i think with the right explanation it should be fine.

Answer 3

If you love your parents at all don't do this on Thanksgiving. After Thanksgiving is over talk to them about your sexual orientation and see how they feel. If you take your transgendered person home with you you very well could be setting her up for some real discomfort and embarrassment. The potential to create the biggest scene in your family history is there in this situation. I'd really urge you not to do this, and especially not on Thanksgiving. It's not the appropriate time for this.

Answer 4

I really think you should tell your parents beforehand.

As a mum I would be uncomfortable being dropped in that situation, mostly because of silly little things like not knowing whether to say "he" or "she".

If your parents are likely to react badly, then I would not subject your friend to the situation at all. If they're likely to react well, then what's the problem with telling them first?

I think it's particularly unreasonable for you to use your friend's sexuality as a tool to try to get your parents to ask questions. You need to get your own situation stabilised before bringing another person into the mix.

Answer 5

Ok, I didn't read what everyone else wrote so I may be repeating advice but here's my two cents...

You seem like you are confident in yourself and your sexuality and you say you think your parents have an idea you're homosexual. Then why in the world would you use your friend, and his tragic story (abusive relationship, not that he's transgendered) to "come out" to your parents??? Why wouldn't you just talk to your parents about your sexuality in a context completely removed from your friend??

It would be one thing if you were just bringing your friend home because of his situation etc. Then, it's just your friend who needs help, and you can explain it to your parents beforehand so they aren't totally shocked and/or uncomfortable. Don't use him to shock your parents into asking questions about you.

If you were my daughter, and I knew you were a lesbian beforehand, and you brought home your friend for Thanksgiving, I'd be fine with it. Or, if you were heterosexual and brought home your friend for Thanksgiving, I'd be fine with it. But, if you brought home your friend just for the purpose of shocking me into asking questions about something you should respect me enough to talk with me about, like two adults, then no, I would not be happy or fine with it.

Talk with your parents.

Answer 6

That's difficult. Myself, personally, I wouldn't have an issue with it (either the homosexuality or trans gender friend), and my reaction would be the same as to any other friend my child brought home, I'd be more interested in what kind of a person they are morally and so on.
BUT, and it's a big but, I'm not your mother. What kind of reaction is she likely to have? Is she fairly open minded, and accepting of people who lead different lifestyles to herself?
My advice would be to talk to her about your sexuality before you bring home your friend, especially as being a lesbian is completely different to being trans-gendered, I'm not sure if that would really lead your conversation with your mum in the direction you want it to go in.
Also, if she's likely to react badly, it's really not fair to your friend to place him in that position.
Bottom line, it's up to you, go with your gut instict, they're your parents and only you know the kind of relationship that you have with them.
Personally, I think it sounds like you have a lot to get off your chest, and I think that would be best done in private, when you can bring up the subject more openly. There's probably a lot that you want to discuss with your parents, and I'm guessing what you're really after is their acceptance?

Good luck, I hope everything goes well for you, but please do talk to your parents about this, a little bit of honesty goes a long way. Hope that helps.

Answer 7

well i have a daughter myself and if she ever came out and said she was a lesbian that would be fine, as you love your children no matter what paths they choose to take in life same goes if my son came home and said he was gay !!

I personnally think you should talk to your mother about your friend as on the day things are only going to be awkward and may even ruin your thanksgiving meal.
I would be more upset if my children couldnt tell me their choices in life rather then what they were, as any relationship should be based on the truth xxxx

I wish you and your friend all the best for the future and i hope you do the right thing xxx

Answer 8

I think that you should just talk to your mum about your sexuality first before asking your friend to come into her home. I would feel very shocked if my daughter appeared to be bringing a transgendered person into my home and I would be worried about her as well but because she is my daughter I would love her just the same. You shouldn't bring her home until your mum is comfortable with you first.

Answer 9

First off, this is not the way to "start a discussion" on your own sexuality. You would be using your friend to do so and taking a very real chance that you are putting him into the middle of a very emotional and tension charged weekend...which if you think about it is not all that different from what you are trying to spare him from. Bringing him home is a good idea, but bringing him in without discussing with your parent what you feel is going to be very obvious to them before hand is setting your friend up to land in a very uncomforatable position. Tell your parents, point blank, that you want to bring home a friend, telling them about the situation..both the gender and the home situation you are trying to spare him from. Your parents may react badly initially...do not use that as a gauge on how they would react about your own sexuality. There is a difference between meeting someone transgendered for the first time and finding out your daughter is gay. Tell them about your friend..why you are friends, offer to let them speak over the phone and be sure your friend is aware of any family traditions or "rules" that he may not have come across. Keep in mind, if your parents are not comfortable with this guest, it is not you they are responding to. Do not belabor your friend's sexuality or demand that your parent's immediatly state approval or disapproval of it. If, after discussion, they agree to have your friend join the family for dinner, say thank you, have your friend bring along an appropriate token of his appreciation and enjoy a holiday meal. Do not use his presence at the table as a way to open a discussion on sexuality. Unless your parents bring it up, there is no need to discuss it at all. If it is brought up, let your friend know he is free to answer or not, as he is comfortable with, but that you do not want your sexuality brought into the discussion.

So, dinner has happened, all went well and the issue of your coming out to your parents is still in limbo. You do need to tell your parents..it is clear you want to. My advice would be to wait and do so over the holiday break in December. Wait until after Christmas and then, once things are not so crazed, plan an evening at home to sit and talk. Again, no mention should be made of your friend or his visit. If your parents mention him, simply state that he is your friend and has had nothing to do with your own sexuality.

I can not say how your parents will react. In my house, there would be little reaction..I have an older daughter (20 years old) who is openly bisexual and has brought home girlfriends since high school. However, for many parents, hearing a child is gay is not much different than finding out a child has a medical condition that can effect the rest of thier lives. Often times it is not a reaction based on religous or moral beliefs (although that certainly can come into play) but is based on the fact that the ideas and dreams they had for their child since the time the child was concieved have now been altered in a way they hadn't considered. Initially at least, the reaction may be one of concern over the impact this will have on your life and confusion over how "this happened to thier child". Know the reaction would be similar if you told them you were diagnosed with diabetes, not just gay. The ideals they had have been changed and it may take time for them to process that and come to terms. Certainly, if they react in a way that is cruel or overtly negative, you may have to consider how openly you want to live your life with them, possibly going into family counseling to help work through the transitional phase. But this is a discussion that should be kept between you and your parents, coming from you, because you want them to know.

Answer 10

You really need to talk to your parents. They should know if you are going to bring home any friends. If my daughter just up and came home for the holidays with a transgendered friend, I for one would be upset that we didn't talk about it first.

SO TALK TO THEM!!