Young Marriage?

Question

my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and are currently "engaged" (minus the ring). I am 18 and he is 23. We want to get married in June after I graduate high school. He will be attending a university and I will be going to community college (at least for the first two years). we dont plan on getting pregnant within the next four years.

I know that I, at least, am young. And I also know all about the higher percentages of failure, those arent really the answers Im looking for.

Any thoughts? Advice? Similar Situations? Experience? Im looking for any outside input because I am looking for various opinions.



I would like to add that he is very financially ready for marriage, and the lack of ring has nothing to do with that aspect, but rather personal preferences.

Part of the reason we want to get married is because we are chirstians and dont want to have sex outside of marriage, while it is not the MAIN reason for our wanting to get married, it does influence the date.

Please no comments about how "stupid" or "immature" this may be, it really is our decision and belief, so please respect!

**just to clarify...we ARE NOT marrying just to have sex. we have talked about our roles and are fully ready to love and support each other. In fact, i could be perfectly happy with him forever if we never even got to have sex, and he feels the same way, so please dont mis understand...

also, we know that we are going to be very busy, but we want to be very busy and see each other every night versus being very busy and living apart and not seeing each other everyday. We think that if we are going to be together anyways, we might as well be together now.

Answer 1

i hate when people base decisions on age. it's not about age, it's about maturity!! if you love this guy and you really feel he is the one for you, go for it. best of luck to you!!! it is YOUR life and noone elses. money should not be an issue either because if we all waited until we could afford things we would be waiting forever. i am recently married and a new mother and if i had waited for either bc of money i would be totally alone for the next 5 years.

again, this is YOUR life and your choice. base it on love and trust, faith and comfort between each other, and nothing else!

Answer 2

Young marriage is definitely the less harmless of the two. A pregnancy involves an innocent child who has no say or control in the situation. When a marriage goes bad, there's a divorce and everyone moves on. When a young mother can't handle the responsibility involved in raising a child, the child ends up living with the grandparents or being abandoned to the state. That's not fair. I got married at 20. I don't know if that qualifies as "young." Everyone said it was because I was pregnant (I wasn't), and that it would never last. But we've been happily married for 7 1/2 years now. I certainly never would have considered having kids at that age, though.

Answer 3

If you can't wait to have sex, then you need to take a step back. That shouldn't be a deciding factor in when you get married! You need to make sure you're both ready for marriage and all the work and responsibility that comes with it. I would suggest focusing on your relationship and not considering sex as a reason to get married. My fiance and I are waiting until marriage for sex but we didn't decide we wanted to get married just to have sex. You need to think if you're really ready to be a wife and is he ready to be a husband. It's a huge step in your lives. Are you ready to go through anything with this person? Are you ready to support him and he you? Or do you just like the idea of having a fun wedding, getting wedding gifts and having sex? Have you talked about marriage and your roles in marriage? Does he have preconceived notions as to what husbands and wives do? Have you talked about how you will raise kids, not just when you'll have them? Have you discussed planning for the future and whether or not you'll stay home when you have kids or not? Make sure you talk about everything before getting married. This is a serious commitment and not just a way to have sex without feeling guilty. I realize you are trying to say that doesn't play a huge role in your decision, but the fact that it plays even a small role shows that you might not be ready. Never marry someone just to have sex with them because sex is just a small part of being married.

Answer 4

Honestly, I think you should wait. I have been with my bf for 4 years and am discovering new things about him everyday...some nice and others not so nice. It doesn't mean you have to not be engaged or anything. I'm sure you've heard the "true love waits" bit before and it is true in more ways than one. If you both feel like you are meant for each other than it can waiit til your done with school and on your feet and able to support your self. I know that doesn't sound "fun" but in the long run i feel it will pay off. 2 years is a long time....but is it long enough? Sit down and talk about it with you bf. If he loves and respects you the way you think he does he will support whatever you decide to do...that is what husbands and wives do....set up a plan. However, if you both can't wait then get married, but I think the best thing would be to wait....at least til your done with school....that way you will have money and good paying jobs and you will be able to see each other more often and not always be fighting about mney and not seeing each other enough. You are young and you don't want to look back and say, "i wish i would of done it this way." Best of wishes sweetie.

Answer 5

You sound much like my 18-year old self. Been there, done that, it was a *disaster*. I found myself going through an extremely nasty divorce during my first year of graduate school. In my hometown in the rural, Bible belt south, young marriage is the norm. The divorce rate is also sky-high.

I know you said that sex isn't the whole reason you're getting married, but that it is definitely influencing the date. I will tell you, based on my experience, statistics, and the experience of others, that letting that factor determine your wedding date can be an enormous mistake if it causes you to get married too young. Most people I knew who got married too young did so for this reason. Most of them are now divorced, not because either of them did anything terrible to the other, but because they just weren't ready for marriage.

I know that you aren't looking for the statistics, but that's really what you need to hear. The odds are *very much* against your relationship lasting. The reasons for this are:
(1) You change a LOT between ages 18 and 25. You will be able to form your own worldview, as well as your own beliefs, values, and life goals. These things can all change drastically during these years of your life. I know it was true for me.
(2) Money is one of the most common sources of relationship problems. When you're both in college, you'll be poor and that will add stress to your marriage.
(3) Being married in college is hard. You will not be able to focus on your marriage or your education as much as you need to.
(4) If you get married and settle down at 18, you will most likely feel the need to recover your lost youth when you're about 23 or 24.
(5) You need the chance to learn how to be an independent adult and a whole person on your own before you make a lifetime commitment to someone.
(6) You haven't had enough life experience to be able to weigh your options and really know what you want for the rest of your life.

Everyone who gets married at that age says "it won't happen to me". But it almost always does. Please, please, please wait a few more years. If you are still head-over-feet in love with each other when you're a few years older, then get married and live happily ever after. But you need to wait and see. When you have been able to be secure and independent on your own, you'll have more to offer to the marriage. If I had waited even a year, I would never have married my ex.

12 years later, I am getting ready to marry my Mr. Perfect. We're 30 and 35, have been together for 3.5 years, and have spent enough time together (including living together post-engagement) to know that we're right for each other.

Answer 6

I think it's great how ready you feel about this, and that this doesn't seem like a brash decision, but thought out.

If you feel ready, emotionally as well as financially, then go ahead and start making plans. But I would wait an extra year. I only say this because I completely changed after my first year of college, and a lot of my identity became more well-formed and I had a better idea of what I was looking for in life (granted, you can never completely figure that out...things are always changing!)

If you don't mind waiting, then give it time. You're still in the age of forming your identity as well as developing intimacy (as defined by Erikson's Stages of Development, sorry I'm a nursing student with a degree in psychology...this has been drilled in me, haha).

It seems you guys are doing great for being responsible and happy together for two years already! Best of luck :)

Answer 7

Aww...to be young and naive again. I do miss it. Here's my personal experience: I started dating a guy when I was 16, and he was 17, I thought we'd get married and have kids, the whole nine yards! This was after the two year mark, and I was starting college and he was ditching college. When I started school, a world of opportunities opened up, and I changed. There is no other way of putting it. I grew up and became serious about school. He started partying every night. But I loved him and thought he'd grow out of it, and we'd get married and live happily ever after. Until one day I realized that I had surpassed him in maturity and I realized that he didn't have the same ideas about life that I did. So I broke up with him, way too late. 4 years wasted and a couple of months from my 20th birthday, and I left him. He proceeded to party HARDER (alcohol, hard drugs, sex parties) until he got his girlfriend pregnant. They had a baby, and he finally got married at 26 to the girl. Everyday that he or high school crosses my mind, I thank my lucky stars that I'm not her.
Now I'm not saying that I think you'll go through what I did. Not by far, however I think that you need to wait until you get done with school, and preferably you should be able to drink legally at your own wedding. Going to school while planning a wedding isn't fun, and most women drop out of school if they get married before they finish. I dropped out of the first school that I went to because of that ^ guy. And we didn't even get married. Now, I am 25, and I am waiting until I am [ ] this close to being done with my BA before getting married. My bf is working on his PhD, graduating in about 3 years, and we'll probably be married before he finishes it, but only because I'll be working to support us financially.

One thing I noticed is that you say that you're Christian, and that you don't plan on getting pregnant for the next 4 years, but I'm curious as to your method of birth control, because most Christians don't believe in that. I'm curious because babies will certainly interrupt school...and if you're married...I don't know how that will work.

And another thing I noticed is that you say he's very financially ready to provide for you, but that he'll be going to a university soon. I know (very well unfortunately) that students do not have much disposable income. With two students, I'm wondering how that would work. I know that with my bf and I, it's very hard, and we have an almost free place to live.

Basically I'm saying that I think you should finish at least an Associate's degree before you get married, not because you're not ready but because you need to grow together a while longer before you make such a huge leap. Also, in case something happens in the future, you need to be able to provide for yourself. Being 25, I would never recognize the girl I was at 22, much less 20 or 18. And I would never make the same choices that I did then. I hope that you take your time, and make decisions that will secure a future for yourself as well as your fiance. Keep in mind, that if you're meant to be, you'll be together forever, and whether you get married at 18 or 30, it's not going to matter.
Good luck and best wishes!

Answer 8

The fact that you are asking strangers whether or not YOUR ready to get married seems to show that your not ready. If your certain that your ready then why do you need people you don't even know weighing in on it? And the fact that you mention the whole waiting until marriage to have sex thing effecting the date means that at least a little bit you are getting married just to have sex, which is ridiculous. Just wait a little while at least until you both GET to college.

Answer 9

I was 23 when i got married. been married 2 years, and we're still plenty happy.

Although, i do see how much growing up i've done since then, especially with going to uni.

Given your religious beliefs, i can see why you'd want to get married sooner. Good on you for saving yourself. My only concern is that being in college, and being so young, you will see yourself grow a lot too, and this can be a problem if your partner does not grow with you, or if who you grow into finds that this isn't where they want to be. talk to your partner about these issues, and make sure that you have both negotiated everything.

who's career will come first? who will raise the kids? when will you have kids? what if you find that you're not ready in a few years to start a family? what if you find that you want to work instead of have kids? do you have to work? what does he expect of you as far as work in and out of home goes? Talk about all of these things before you get married.

On the wedding night, you will be so exhausted, that even if you had had practice, the sex would be not that great, so, while it will be lovely to be so intimate with him, don't expect earth shattering orgasms or anything. Just be glad to be sharing that with him. That's IF you're not both just so tired you pass out when you get into bed! And don't be disheartened, it takes practice for even the most seasoned lovers to learn someone's body and get used to it. Don't rush things, you will both learn as you go, and eventually be able to have great sex.

Answer 10

I turned 18 in june and my boyfriend is 18 this month and we are in a serious relationship and he has proposed to me on a not so official basis so we basically know what's ahead of us. But he is going to ask my parents permission first and it's not going to be till we completely finish high school. So next year sometime. On top of that, we are going to have a long engagement so that we can finish further studies that we wish to pursue and earn up some money so then we can live together for a while before we become one. I'm so excited thou, I've already got myself some wedding magazines to check out and I've chosen my style of dress hehe.

I believe that when you think your ready, then your ready. Age isn't really a big factor...if he is the one then go for it. I think the only factors that really matter in these type of situations is you and your partners feelings and how positive your family's are about it all. If they think you are too young to get married...then don't argue...they are your family after all. Stand up for what you believe in but just try and accept what they have to say. You can still be engaged...hello long engagement. Kudos to you thou if they fully accept it!


GOOD LUCK =)

Answer 11

Reading this was like reading my own life story! except the other way around.im 23 and my husband is 18.we were together for years in a long distance relationship.im aussie and hes mexican american.i was financially secure from a young age so spent my time working and saving and flying us back and forth from eachothers countries to be together.it was hard.we always knew we would get married but he was so young, we had to wait until he was 18.as soon as he turned 18 we got married.literally.he turned 18 on may 19 and we were married on may 30th.we are now living happily together in australia and going through immigration for him to become a permanent resident here. he wasnt nervous about getting married.i was.because he was so youn and there was so much opinions on it from our families.i wasnt sure if we were doing the right thing but i can tell u this.the moment we got married it was like this calmness washed over me and it hasnt left.it was the most perfect right decision we ever made and we are so happy together.our families are happy and supportive of us.they even flew in from all over america and from australia to be at our wedding in america.there are statistics...blah blah blah.people get married at 40 and get divorced.theres the age difference...so what.u guys shouldnt be together because your ages are different? nope.i say go for it.if u know your meant for eachother then go for it.my husband and i never fight and we have gone through more than most people do in their entire lives and we are so strong and happy together.just make sure ur ready for it all though.my sister rushed into marriage and having a baby and after a month shes now considering divorce.be careful but go and do what feels right.only you know if its the right thing to do or not. good luck.i wish u as much happiness with your husband as i have found with mine!