Family issues...how to deal politely?

Question

I'm a single mother (the ONLY single parent in my family) and it seems as though my family feels sorry for me. They have given me food or mailed me money, bought my kids coats and shoes in the winter...like you would a homeless person. I have reiterated to them on several occasions that we are just fine. I make plenty of money to support all of us. My kids always have what they need...they are wearing coats and new shoes BEFORE someone gives it to us. How to I *politely* tell them that we don't need or want to accept handouts? I'm perfectly fine with b-day/Christmas gifts, because I enjoy giving gifts too. But we're not needy and I would like them to stop acting as if we are. Please help!

I guess it doesn't hurt anything but the other kids in the family (and there are a lot of 'em!) don't get these kinds of things...their parents or grandparents provide it. I think my kids are quite oblivious to it for now I just don't want them to feel singled out later on. And they are doing it out of love, I generally have a great family. But I also feel that by accepting these gifts that I'm taking money away from them. IDK, I guess it's awkward more than anything. Thanks for the great responses!

Answer 1

There is a difference..

Gifts.. well that would be rude to discourage a holiday or birthday gift meant for you or your kids. So I'd leave that be. Many people they feel good about giving gifts.. and so if they choose to give a gift to your or your kids, then a polite, thank you should do.

Now with that said.. if they are out of the blue sending you coats for your kids (for example) and it's not a birthday, or holiday etc.. then you need to talk to that person..

Thank them for their thoughtfulness, but let them know that you are not needy and that you feel guilty receiving chairitable gifts, when you aren't in need. Offer to help them find a family where they can serve in that compasity if that's what they want to do.. (care for a needy family).. but let them know that you're not needy.

Reassure them (so they don't feel bad) that should things every change and you do need something that you will be sure to come to them for support.. but then follow up that you feel like your taking advantage of them right now, since you are okay in taking care of yourself and your kids.

Finally I have to tell you, you have a very loving and thoughtful family.. and they mean well.. I know you know that. You're very lucky to have them.. and they are very lucky to have you.. it's nice that you dont' take advantage of their generosity.. many other types of people totally would.

Good Luck and my Best Wishes.

Answer 2

You can handle it three ways.

1. Donate what they send you to charity. Just because your not needy doesn't mean other people aren't. Besides, you can get a tax write off.
2. Blow up at people who seem to love you and alienate them. (even if they are insulting you a little - I understand how you feel).
3. Accept what they are giving you and use the money you'd spend on coats to take the kids to dinner and a movie. Or you could start a college fund for your kids and ask them to put the money in there, or put your money in there.

And remember, homeless people don't have a family like yours. I know, it's annoying. It's a dig, now, either you can get angry about it or enjoy it. :) Turn your lemons into lemonade. :)

Answer 3

If taking the money makes you feel bad, use part of it to buy the person who gave it to you a bigger present for Xmas or b-day....... that way you're "giving it back" in a way. The food..... that's always appreciated -- as if your neighbor brings you some cookies she just baked, etc.... If you feel bad about the hand-outs (and I guess I would too, especially if no one else in the family gets such thing), just send them a nice letter or email after they send a bunch of used clothes & shoes and tell them: "I appreciate sooo much what you just sent us, but we just went shopping and the kids have a bunch of new clothes, I wouldn't know where to store all these wonderful clothes you just sent me so I think it'd be a good idea to donate them to kids that really need them this winter"....... I think they eventually will take the hint -- you might need to do it more than once.

Answer 4

Maybe your family isn't doing it for you - maybe they are doing it because they want your children to know that they are cared for.

I don't know how close your children are with their father or what the real situation is - but as the child of a single parent it was always so nice for me to get an extra gift from my family. It helped me realize that just because my father was no longer in the picture there were other people who cared for me.

Life as a child of divorce is hard enough - alot of the security of having two parents is, obviously, gone - so any show of solidarity from your family is probably welcome by your children. Unless, of course, you make a big stink about it and destroy that feeling for them. It's easy to let your pride get in the way of what's best for your children. (I'm not saying that's what you are doing - I've just seen it happen in other circumstances...)

If your children are of the age that getting "hand outs" bothers them then say something to your family - basically just tell them what you've written here. You make plenty of money and don't need handouts. But if your children don't mind the extra attention from your family - then teach them to accept the gifts graciously and use the money you've saved to take your children on a really fun vacation.

Good luck

Answer 5

Remember first of all that they love you. You must be a very nice person. Also, you said that it "seems" as though your family feels sorry for you. I'm willing to bet even if you were married, your kids would still receive allot of these things. Out of love, they are doing this. Perhaps out of love even after talking to them, you just may have to accept this. But remember, that if you get them to stop, they may feel self conscious even about birthdays and Christmas from then on.. And you may also.

Question: Would it be better to allow them to do this as long as you remind them that everything is fine.

Answer 6

Wow, I'm glad I'm not a mom to some of the people who've answered... geesh....

Think of it as if one of your kids had kids of their own. Maybe you just don't understand that everything's fine. How could they break it to you?

My best suggestion (coming from someone who tends to be *too* nice) is to address both of them at the same time.. that way, they can't mix up communication and you don't end up with one of them thinking you were being a jerk. Ask them why they buy the kids clothes and shoes, and your answer will probably be that they want the kids to have them. Grandma's and grandpa's like to buy their grandkids clothes and shoes, it's a tale as old as time. Tell them you wanted to ask, and offer one of two suggestions.... either tell them about things the kids could use more (i.e. books to read, since I feel a kid can never have too many, or something along those lines), or ask them to take the kids out to the zoo or museum or even an amusement park if one's close instead. That way, they're spending some good quality time with their grandkids and giving them something better than what they already have... a priceless good time.

Answer 7

As I've experienced the mother is always the first in the chain of communication so, if your mother is alive, talk to her about it first. you should have a close enough relationship to tell her and hopefully she can spread it among the family tree.

or maybe you can drop hints like "that's so nice of you, im sure there is a homeless child somewhere that really needs this more"

Answer 8

I buy the kids in my family stuff all the time, my brother owns his own business, I still send my nephews things, my son in law and daughter have very good jobs I still send my grandkids stuff, just except and enjoy, I would be devestated if they told me not to send them things. They don't need them, but I love finding them things. Let us enjoy that.

Answer 9

Tell them you are donating the gifts to someone who really needs them... a local church, goodwill, etc.

If they don't believe you, start donating the gifts in their name.
Some charities will give you a card that states a donation as been made in your name to [charity's name].