Why can't parents strike a balance?

Question

I often see 2 extremes of parents. The first I dub the "helicopter parent". They maintain absolute control over their kids. They must know what they are doing, where they are, and who they are with 24/7. They impose a dictatorship and never try to empathize with their kid. It is like a Stalinist Russia inside their house.

Then, you have the other kind. The kind that doesn't care if their kid isn't home for several days. They don't care if their kid does whatever. They just don't care. This is sort of like The Netherlands. No laws or rules.

Why can't there be a balance? A parent who cares and maintains order but allows a decent amount of resonable freedom? Parents do you strike a balance?

Answer 1

My dad would always tell me that there was no manual for being a parent when we would have a disagreement. I think parents do the very best they can with the skills that they have.

The "I don't care parents" may have come from very strict "Stalinist Russia" homes and always told themselves that they would not treat their son or daughter the way that they parents treated them.

The kids that came from the "I don't care" parents probably swore to themselves that they would have more control over their kids, especially if they themselves got into lots of trouble when they were kids.

I think if you were to ask our daughter, she would tell you that we were firm when we had to be, but tempered that with letting go or cutting the apron strings when the situation warranted it. I can honestly say that there were times when I told my daughter yes she could do something and then worried the whole time she was off doing it. When she would come home safe and sound, I would sigh with relief and know that I had allowed her to grow just a bit and showed her that I trusted her.

Answer 2

Actually, there are more than these two extremes. The first you mentioned is usually due to a strick upbringing for the parents, but more often is how we have so many horrid temptations for kids these days, and with both parents having to work, and be totally responsible for any actions of those children, regardless of how parents have had their disciplining abilities taken from them, which creats a toxic atmostphere where parents nearly do have to be Stalinistic in how they control their children. Yes, it IS up to parents to control their children! When they go bad, what do you hear? Those parents lost CONTROL of their children! And, they DID or DO.

The parents who are so whimsical, are doing the wrong thing by attempting to be "friends" with their kids. Kids have plenty of friends, but only one or two parents, and truly do need guidence and proper structure and discipline, rather than more friends.

However, not all parents fit into these two widely disperate groups. There are plenty of parents who fall anywhere inbetween the two.

For me, my home was a dictatorship but my children always knew they could talk with me and that their voices would be heard. My kids came to me in times of great stress and turmoil, which shows me I was a good enough parent. Did I make mistakes? Sure, all parents do, unless you land in that small 5% of total lack of dysfunction. 95% of families world wide have one degree or another of dysfunctional homes. That is a great many families.

As I was the ultimately responsible individual in our family, I was ultimately the one who had to make a final decision. It is not humanly possible to please all of your children all of the time, or even part of the time.

Answer 3

I thought that at one time.. but I had control until she decide that the stuff she did behind my back was okay and now she is on her own.. at 19 and 2000 miles away.. I tried to be a best friend, mother, punisher, and controller.. doesnt work if there isnt trust... and that falls apart and any parent is cursed.. my daughter still calls me for advice and financial help when needed.. but for her returning home..nope isnt going to happen unless I give her her way and I dont see it happening.