long story short. i'm 20 been married for 2 years with my husband whom is 24. he his active duty and we are living away from our families because of his job. i've been having this 'baby fever' for a long time now. maybe it's because we live on base, and everybody has at least 3 kids, and we're probably we're the only couple childless. every time we go to wal mart or targer, i'm always comparing the prices for cribs or diapers etc. i always think how our empy guest room would look like as a nursery and thinking of baby names and everytime i'm late on my period i'm so happy. but nothing ever happens. i know we're both young, but i feel like if i dont have a baby in a few years im gonna go crazy. the only problem is that my husband only concern is that babies are too expensive. yeah. nothing new. they're expensive for everybody. i know he's not ready yet. but how do i convince him that having his child would be the best thing that has ever happened to us withouth thinking about money?
2007-11-06 08:06:24 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Other - Pregnancy & Parenting
we're military so we have a few expenses covered. how do i ensure him that he's going to love his child to death without always looking at the cost?
2007-11-06 08:06:34 · update #1
Tell your husband that the military pays you extra for more dependants. that's why he makes more now that you two are married. The more dependants you have, the more money you get. THAT's why everyone seems like they have three kids already!
2007-11-06 08:14:45 · answer #1 · answered by mama shannon 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I don't think you can convince someone. They have to want a child. If hes ok with the idea except for the money, tell him if you wait until your "ready" you'll never have one.
Maybe you need to see if that is really his issue. Maybe he's leery for another reason? You should both want the child. If not, he may be great when it comes, but you might end up doing all the work and becoming resentful about it.
Why do you want a baby so badly? Maybe you are lonely away from your family? Just because everyone else has a kid, doesn't mean you have to, and how old are those other families?
You are really young. Enjoy your alone time with your husband. Once you have a child, it's 24/7 for years and years. You won't be able to just get up and go where you want in the evenings or travel. There are a lo of things easier to do without a child.
Besides, you haven't even become the person you're going to be yet. Have a life for yourself first.
You basically have gone from your parent's house, to your husband's. Now you want to be mommy. How about doing something for yourself? Figure out who YOU are. How about school or finding a job you like? How about volunteering somewhere? It really sounds like you might just be bored and lonely and have nothing better to do and want to fill your time with a kid.
I think everyone should live on there own before they get married. You learn a lot about yourself and the person you are. How can you know if you go from living with your parents to living with someone else? On your own, you learn that you can make it on your own and you learn how to do it.
It's too late for you to do that now, but it's not too late for you to do things for you.
There's nothing wrong with wanting a child, but give yourself time to grow up yourself.
2007-11-06 16:27:34 · answer #2 · answered by enternet 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm seeing a couple of basic things here- 1) You want a baby and 2) he doesn't.
The reasons for wanting one and not wanting one are like apples and oranges. You focus on social issues and he cites economic reasons. I note that other military people (presumably earing the same income) have several children, while you don't. I think the financial issue isn't there- the pregnancy and raising a child are within your means, even if on a limited military income. So it boils down to wanting a child or not. It seems to me, you have a fairly stable life- your husband is deployed and you're at home, so taking care of a baby and raising a child are within you capabilities. Not sure why he seems to not want a child. You don't give me a hint as to why he might be less than candid with you. So I have to guess at his motives without hearing him. He was 22 when you married. Did he get a vasectomy before he met you? Maybe he doesn't want to tell you because this would hurt your feelings. Does he have any doubts that your marriage will last? If I thought I might not be married to you, I wouldn't want a baby, either. Down this path lie ugly questions- *why* does he think he might not remain married? Too many unpleasant answers there and no indications of being gay, of infidelity, or any other serious impediments to staying married.
So, I'm sorry, I don't think anyone has enough information to give you a good answer.
One thing I'd suggest is to find a family counselor through the military. Chaplains are a good place to start. Since theology doesn't seem to be your problem, the chaplain's expertise may be useful in referring you to a counselor. And when you husband gets home, ask him to go to counseling with you.
I don't understand the "financial hardship" reason, and you've given no other real reasons (like an adulterous relationship in the wings), so I think you'll need someone better to give you a real answer.
If the truth is just that some people want children and others don't, then this is a very basic obstacle to remaining married- one of you will have to bend the wrong way. Either you'll have to spend all your married life without children or he'll have to endure having children when he doesn't want to. But, again, this is based on information not in evidence. (as Perry Mason might say)
Your last sentence says it all- how can you convince him (who doesn't want a baby) that having a child would be the best thing that's ever happened to the two of you? This is very, very subjective. YOU think this would be the best thing, but, apparently, he doesn't.
If you go see a counselor soon, you'll be able to get your thoughts in a row. When he gets home, you'll be able to tell him how you feel, and maybe the two of you can find a professional to help you resolve this black-and-white issue. You can compromise on a lot of things in a marriage, but you can't have just a part of a baby. Sure, youve been compromising for two years, but if you really want one and he really doesn't, I don't see how you can compromise on this.
Good luck
2007-11-06 16:31:30 · answer #3 · answered by going_for_baroque 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You should NOT 'accidentally' get pregnant against your husbands will. This could 'cause tremendous problems in your relationship and I'm sure you don't want to end up a single parent.
Don't try and convince him...just wait it out a bit. You are both VERY young and have a good deal of time. He will warm to the idea eventually...but the more you push it the more unresponsive to the idea he will become.
It will happen for you hen the time is really right.
2007-11-06 16:18:30 · answer #4 · answered by coyote_windsprint 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't push your husband into something he's not ready for, the timing needs to be right for both of you. Marriage is a 2 way street, all about communication and cooperation. As you said, you are both young with a long stretch ahead of you. Working together as a team is the only way to make it.
If you are concerned that your husband is in a hazardous occupation, talk to him about it. You may consider a sperm bank to insure that if anything should happen to him, you will still be able to bear his child.
2007-11-06 16:33:47 · answer #5 · answered by Dirty Dave 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wait until you are both ready. It is really important to be like-minded about such a big decision and commitment. In the meantime perhaps you could babysit or spend time with families with children to exercise that maternal instinct. Perhaps some of them can give you ( or sell at a reduced rate) their baby furniture and clothing as they finish with it so as to ease that financial burden that your husband is worried about! All the best. Hope you have a wonderful journey in parenthood together when the time comes.
2007-11-06 23:08:16 · answer #6 · answered by Mim 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Communication without expectation is what I suggest. My husband and I were married when I was 19 and he 22, ten years and four kids later we are still happily married. Play a game of discovery between you and your husband. Let hime know you want to play a game (or have a talk about) being parents and you really want to know his heart on the subject, and would like to have him ask questions about your heart. DO NOT USE THE WORD WHY!!! Why is often viewed as accusing so it is not legal in this game. Ask him questions like: What would being a father look like to him? What would it feel like to him to have children right now? Is there something he needs in order to be ready or at least feel ready to have children? Instead of trying to force your view or he force his views. Learn what the other one really needs, feels, and thinks in the situation. Learn each others hearts.
2007-11-06 16:28:09 · answer #7 · answered by alive 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunatley, I don't think it's something you can "convince "him of. It's something he has to want, in his heart. If you keep pushing him he will possibly resent you and God forbid a baby. You are still sooo young. It's natural for a person to want something they don't have, especially when everyone around them has it, but believe me when I say your time will come. YOu have lots of time. And babies ARE a lot of money...I have two with # 3 coming, so I know!!!
2007-11-06 17:02:04 · answer #8 · answered by luckylady 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If hes not ready, dont push him. You guys still have plenty of time, you are still very young. You want it to be a happy time for the both of you.
2007-11-06 16:15:30 · answer #9 · answered by tarie75 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
dont try to have a baby just wait til one comes along because then he would not want you to have an abortion. then you can have it no matter what!! he might not wanna try to get prego but if it happens what can you do about it??
2007-11-06 16:12:52 · answer #10 · answered by some girl 3 · 0⤊ 4⤋