Where do you draw the line?

Question

I volunteer for an organization which requires us to work closely on teams of 3-4 members for extended amounts of time. As a result, team members tend to become very close. One of the team member, Janet, is a very nice woman, thoughtful, knowledgeable, professional. However the more time we spend together the less I like her. We're very opposite - she's uptight and gossipy and I'm laid back and keep my mouth shut and take it all in. I can respect the differences (cursing, for instance - I have a bad mouth and I know she doesn't like cursing, so I watch what I say) but lately I don't feel that she does. I recently got my nose pierced - a small tasteful stud. She found this so amusing that she had to stare at me and giggle, then proceed to call someone else and let them know, in my prescence. At first I was amused, then confused as to why it was so funny, then I was just insulted and she kept on until I snapped at her.

I guess my question is how do you deal with someone who behaves this way and when do you just toss etiquette aside and tell them to SHUT UP and point out what a rude, ignorant, *** they are being? This is not really an isolated incident - another occassion she butted in a conversation and I asked me how my parents felt about me going on vacation with my bf when we aren't married. I'm 30 by the way.

To Shauna: Janet, is that you???

I do have a full-time job and I volunteer for two medical organizations. It's "allowed." My question was not your opinion of nose rings but how to deal with rude, immature people such as yourself who are in their late 30's/early 40's by the way.

Answer 1

I would be stern with her once stating very clearly that you did not ask for her opinion or approval on your appearance. I would probably add that there are a couple of things I don't particularly care for in her appearance or wardrobe but I keep them to myself and maybe she should do the same.

People should not be judged on things as trivial as a nose rings but on the person that they are. Jeez do we have to go back to the old ... Don't judge a book by its cover.

Answer 2

The most important thing to remember if people like that don't take subtle hints, be clear and tell her to remain silence or else.

And by the way there is not such thing as a tasteful nose piercing, on a hot girl of 18 it might be more or less acceptable but on a 30 years old it is plain wrong.

Answer 3

I would try to ignore her and when the task was over ask to be put on to another team if possible. This is your time that you are freely giving to organizations, you should not have to put up with someone insulting you. Until then you can try to grin and bear it or if you feel you must say something then do, but make it polite and in private (if at all possible). Just tell her that you would like it if she kept her opinions about your appearance to herself.

Kudos to you for volunteering.

Answer 4

We all mature at different rates and because someone is over 18 doesn't necessarily make them an adult. The most difficult thing is dealing with all the little petty rubs, snubs and insults. It's best just to keep a polite distance and limit your contact with her to whatever is professionally necessary otherwise you can get into a never ending go-a-round of back biting and that would put you on her level (it would also give a home field advantage).

Answer 5

first, realize that there is no such thing as a tasteful nose ring. it was rude for her to laugh in your face, but you shouldn't be naive enough to think that a nose ring on anyone (especially a 30 yr old woman) would be laughable in a work environment. be lucky that you volunteer, because a normal job wouldn't even allow it.

anyway, on to your question...there's nothing you can do. you can't control other people. you can only control yourself. so, either change the way you respond or just ignore it altogether. i've had people criticize/joke about something i'm doing or saying and i handle it quite well. here's what i would do.

janet: "omg, you got a nose ring? are you kidding with that? *giggle giggle*"

you: "sure did, and i'm rockin' this nose ring." keep on doing what you're doing as though you couldn't care less about what she said and as though you are completely content and happy with your choice.

this is my default reaction to any snarky criticism i receive. sometimes, i even happily agree with the person then go back to what i'm doing, which again shows them my indifference to their statement and them in general. however, from the outside it seems as if i'm being totally pleasant and nice.

janet: "you got a nose ring? are you kidding?"

you: "i know. isn't it the tackiest thing?" *smile sincerely, keep doing what you're doing and continue pleasant conversation as though she never said anything offensive. once people realize that you are assured and confident in your choices, they will realize their stupid comments are pointless and fall on deaf ears.

NEVER admit that you are hurt. that will only give her satisfaction. she's not an idiot, she knows that she is saying rude, hateful things. she is doing that to hurt you or make you feel insecure. don't give her that satisfaction. the girls who were snarky to me when i started a new job were so blatantly rude and standoffish that i sometimes went in the bathroom and cried, but i maintained my composure around them, acted as if i was totally confident in myself and eventually they stopped being bitchy and we are now actually super-tight work buddies.

Answer 6

I would take her aside and tell her you don't appreciate her comments and you'd like her to keep them to herself. Don't do it in front of others. Makes you look bad and as unprofessional as she is. After a few warnings, if she doesn't change, take it to the boss and tell the boss you've tried to handle it diplomatically and it isn't working. Chances are others are noticing her rude and unprofessional behavior as well. If you take the high road, you'll win out in the end.

Answer 7

Ask yourself, if she continues this way will it annoy you and make your life miserable? If the answer is yes, you need to tell her to shut up.

Answer 8

people like that don't take subtle hints. be polite (especially if you have to continue working with her), & tell her how you feel.

Answer 9

go off on her, tell it like it is, these people need to know when to shut the H3LL up