ok catholics!...do you understand where im coming from?....i dont want to do the right thing...?

Question

i want to do whats best for my friend. i dont know whats best for my friend...to confess or not to confess...what wud you do?
let me explain: had an affair with my best mates boyfriend over 18yrs ago, they have been together for 22yrs plus now. my problem is she has asked me to be her witness at her wedding. her man is adamant she will never forgive him because i am her best mate (yeah i know, some best mate i am!) so he will not confess. do i have the right to "confess" after all these years? i know i cannot bring myself to witness for her if i dont confess but if i do confess its going to destroy her. if you were in her position would you like to know? i wud. the easiest thing for me to do is shut my mouth but do i have the right to now that she is getting married? "relationship" and "marriage" are 2 different things. its all shes ever wanted...to be married to her man...i doubt my confession will change her mind. any suggestions?

uh hello??!! pls state if youre a catholic or not if it aint too much trouble...ive asked this question 3 times today...im really struggling with this.

....i am only thinking of my friend....i dont have any guilt concerning the affair....does not her right to know her husband-to-be is not totally honest with her supercede any right that i have....for instance my right to shut my mouth or my right to confess? she will marry him regardless...he is a player and she knows this but as most woman blinded by love she believes him every time...this is not my business. i guess im looking for answers to give me the courage to tell her. no-one seems to think so though but thanx all the same for caring enuf to answer

disturbed....if you could just stop judging me for a sec i think you could give me some sound advice...im not seeking forgiveness from anyone here just seeking genuine advice.

marysia

thanx for ur answer

he is not she is...hes a player, she knows it just doesnt know about me though. she catholic hes not. she wants to marry in church he doesnt. he wants it in 3weeks she would rather wait but is willing to go thru with it cos he wont wait. im in shock cos only a week after telling me shes seriously thinking of leaving him but was afraid to (this is only 6weeks ago) she is now determined to marry him. i love this girl i dont wanna hurt her anymore than i have already. im thinking i am hurting her by not telling her now. im too gutless to confess but i know im gonna have to for her sake...i dont give a crap how it affects me, i deserve to lose her friendship but does she deserve to lose mine?..im so confused!

thank you so much danny!!!
i have every intention of speaking with a priest. she sees this marriage as a stepping stone ...next goal is marriage in the Church.

thank you for understanding my concern...i am a true friend to her....and your right....she doesnt deserve to lose my friendship.

and danny
she knows shes giving in to him....shes shocked (flattered) that he wont take no for an answer. im suspicious of his reasons for wanting marriage although i do believe he loves her he has consistently lied to her about other affairs. she tells me she doesnt believe him but forgives him anyway.

i keep rereading your answer, thanks much danny...really helped me clear up the clutter in my thoughts.
God bless

Answer 1

You may want to speak with a priest; he could give the best advice.

For my two cents, you said the affair was 18 years ago, and that he is a player and your friend knows this but still wants to marry him.

For the affair, I say let it die. That was nearly 20 years ago; nothing has happened since so why fan the old dirt? Plus, the resentment this could cause could destroy a friendship at a time when she really needs you. Have you been to confession for the affair? If so, it’s over with. Why dredge up what God has already forgiven? Again, speak with a priest.

For him, he’s not Catholic and does not wish to be married in the Church. Two strikes. He’s a player. Three strikes. This issue is really between she and him. As a friend I can definitely understand your concern and I’d be too; no one would want to see a friend make a mistake like that. She’s wise to want to wait, but that’s not what she’s doing; she’s giving in to him.

Pray for her and try to help her see more clearly. If she thinks she’s going to change him or something, she’s wrong. He has to WANT to change, and no amount of pushing or nagging from her will do this. If she marries him, it’s as he is now, not as what she may be hoping for down the road.

Be her friend, and pray for her. God bless.

Answer 2

What you did was wrong, but 18yrs ago is a little much to ruin a friendship and a possible marriage. She obviously doesn't know, if there have been no other flings between the two of you I wouldn't worry about letting her know anything at this point. If you need to confess to a Priest, as us Catholics would, go right ahead but 18yrs is a long time to bring up something this devastating.

Answer 3

i'm Catholic & here's my take.... as long as he has not cheated again - it happened and it's done and over with. you do not have the authority to make him confess. If he is getting married in a Catholic church you only need to pray that he has confessed sometime prior to receiving communion these last 18 years.
you should not confess to your friend -- all you would be doing it alleviating your own guilt and hurting her. do you know if this man loves her? as they have been together for 22 years - i'm going to assume he does. if he does not love her then no i wouldn't be a witness.

confessing to her - no, you've let it lay for too long.

are they Catholic or something?! is this why you're asking Catholics?

Answer 4

Of course you keep your mouth shut. After this length of time what is the point in only hurting her over something that happened just about 2 decades ago? That is in the past, why bring up something that will only hurt your friend deeply?
Stand up for her, keep her company and forget the past. I hate people who can only live in the past, like you. You are always wanting to confess something because you feel bad for this or the other thing. It is done and you have to live with it, but the thing is that you just can't seem to live with what you did. You want to make someone else feel more pain than you do and that is why you want to confess. Do not tell me you want to get it off your chest, because that is only because it will make YOU feel better. Nobody else will feel better, you just will make more people feel bad. But then that is what you really want, isn't it? Shut your mouth, do the right thing for once and bear the weight of what happened and take that to your grave, because it means nothing now.

Edit: From your additions, you are just looking for people to say that your should and give you the "courage" to ruin your friends life. Well obviously people are wanting to look out for your friend more than you are, and her feelings. If she already knows that he is a "player" then she knows what she is getting into, and do not use the LOVE excuse as her turning a blind eye. Does that ever piss me off when people do that, that the woman was so in love that she knew about it, etc. If she knows about his playing (as YOU state) then she is not a victim, she knows exactly what she is getting into. You are not getting any support from me, since up need to keep your mouth shut and take this guilt to the grave. And quit the ranting that this is not because of your guilt, your whole question is whining about you trying to clear your conscience, nothing more than thinking about YOU.

Answer 5

Zip it up!!! No one needs to know after all these years except for God. Confess to Him and be done with it. If you say something now it could ruin lives. Don't be foolish.

Answer 6

Keep your mouth shut!! As long as you're sure he's been faithful since then, say nothing. Confess to your priest.

Answer 7

sounds like you have done enough harm (so has he) but after all this time what good will come from your confession? It may make you feel better but what about her? Maybe look out for her best interest this time.

Answer 8

It was bloody 18 years ago. Don't you be slimey and ruin their marriage over something that happened in ancient history. If you do that, you are the slimeball.

Answer 9

Confess. . . and then become an avid campaigner favoring the Christian Virtue of Chastity.

Answer 10

Try to explain it as if it was hypothetical before actually admitting it.

If it's over, then emphasize that. If she won't or can't understand, then why is she your best mate?