How should I approach this important subject with my b/f?

Question

Here's the "short version" of the story. I just moved to NY this April to be with my family. I met my boyfriend in May. Turns out I got pregnant around July 4th with his baby. He has 2 boys from a previous relationship that he RARELY even gets to see. He used to pay his child support (off & on) but recently he quit his job so I have a feeling he might end up going to jail since he's gonna miss at least one payment. Our relationship started going downhill about 2 months ago so I moved out and back to my family's house. I recently found out that shortly after I moved out he met another girl through some friends of his (I don't like many of his friends at all) and the 3rd time hanging out with her, they slept together. She's the one who told me the whole story (although she says it wasn't worth it and didn't know about me and doesn't want to even speak to him again). So of course he denied it at first but eventually fessed up. Now he's saying that it won't ever happen again and he wants

us to have our family and everything. But he still isn't working, never has any money, and I'm tired of supporting him (from meals to cigarettes, everything). I don't believe that he's out looking for a job at all. I really love him and want my child to know him, but then again, what if I can find a better man out there someday (not saying anytime soon) that will love me and show it and maybe even adopt my baby in the long run and give us a better life? I don't want my child to grow up like he is. I want to tell him that he either needs to step up (SOON) or I'm out of here. Or should I just tell him he's had enough time and enough chances and I'm done? Either way it's gonna be hard but I have to do it. FYI he's 24, I'm 21 and due March 28th.

Oh and I know I said that was the short version. Sorry for the length but it's very complicated. And this is my 1st baby by the way (my doctors always told me I couldn't have kids).

oh wow i'm soooo not thinking abortion! i know i can do it myself (my family's a lot of help too). i'm just wondering if i should give him a time limit or something or just tell him i'm done with our relationship now.

Answer 1

I think you were cut off before you finished your story.

This guy sounds like a deadbeat. If he rarely gets to see his other kids, it might have something to do with what he has nor has not done in the past. Maybe he's not been a good father. Maybe this isn't the first time he's stopped paying child support.
Not sure what the rest of your question was because it seems as if you didn't get to finish for whatever reason. Best of luck to you. He's already cheated at least once, so I wouldn't bank on a happily ever after with this guy.

Edit: Got your email. thanks for the heads up. Anyway, as far as approaching the subject with him, tell him he either needs to prove to you that he can step up or be a man, or he's gotta walk out the door. You don't need someone in your life that is a taker. Neither does your child. IF you decide to stay with him, tell him that he has to pay you child support for part of the expenses of having this baby, that way if he decides to disappear you and your child are protected. Have this arranged through "friend of the court" so there's less chance of him leaving you high and dry.

If he can be man enough and pay child support and be a good father, than he does have a right to see his child, but that does not mean you have to stay in a relationship with him if you don't want to. He did cheat on you, after all.

Lay it all out on the table for him. Be honest, be up front, don't mince words. This is your life and your childs future at risk.

This must be a frightening time for you. I wish you everything you need to make the best decision for you and your baby.

Answer 2

You might try asking yourself if you respect his actions. Do you look up to him and admire him?You said you wouldn't want your child growing up to be like him, which speaks volumes about how you feel. If you don't respect him, over the long haul it's going to errode anything you may feel for him. And consider that should you still be with him as your child grows up, your little one is going to have him as an example and kids DO learn through example.

From what you've revealed in your story, I am pretty sure I would keep looking for a good man, one who won't sleep around at the drop of a hat, one who wants to help support you and your baby ... basically, a real man who is ready, able, and cares enough about you and the baby to 'step up to the plate'.

I so wish you the best!!

Answer 3

You should read what you wrote here. And if you're still unclear about what to do, read it again.
This guy won't do it again, because why.....he told you he wouldn't? Well, when he did it the first time, he must have told you it might happen, right? Or else you would know better than to trust his word. And everything else you said, this guy seems to be a total loser. You want to raise a family with someone that cheats, lies, doesn't support his kids, has no job, and is on the verge of going to jail? Like I said, read this again and again until you get back to reality. A guy like him....will NEVER change. And never become what it takes to be a father or husband.

Answer 4

No matter what, you have to talk with him. Even if you don't love him, give him the choice to be part of the babies life. You don't have to marry him, date him or live with him for him to be part of the babies life.

You must decide if you love him now, not later. Don't think you can get him to change or hope he will change. You have to know that this is what he is and most likely will never change. He may mature, but not change. Can you raise a child on your own? If so, congrats your better off than most single parents. You should also consider adoption. Either way, your life is about to really change. Make sure you decide what is best for you and your child, not someone else.

Answer 5

Sounds like he's not going to be there for you if he can't handle the financial responsibilities of his first 2 kids. I think you should tell him but stay with your family, you'll need them during this time. You shouldn't expect anything from this guy because he doesn't have his head on straight. He has kids running all over the place and girlfriends seem to come and go for him. Hands down, stay with your family and tell him ASAP about the new baby! Good luck!!

Answer 6

I would leave him. It is not worth the stress. You have enough to deal with as it is. Plus, it sounds like you have your family to help support you. I know that it is a hard desicion. Trust me I had to make the same one myself. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change. I learned the hard way. I left my ex less than a month after my son was born. He wasn't there for me or helping me out physically, financially, or emotionally. You can do so much better than him. There are plenty of single moms. Plus, there are some good guys out there who are willing to step up to the plate and be a dad to your child. You need to worry about yourself and that baby of yours. If he doesn't have anything to do with his other kids and just quit his job what makes you think that he isn't going to do the same to you. Plus, he has already cheated on you even though he knew you were pregnant. You deserve better than that. Sounds like you have already made up your mind though. Follow your heart. Don't let him manipulate you. It's easier to leave now then later.

Answer 7

This guy is a total deadbeat, and you can tell by his track record with his other 2 children that hes no father either! Your child wont be any differnet...and do you really want your child to be around a father like that?? I think you already know what you need to do...I think you just needed some reassurance that its the right decision. You have someone else to look out for now...get out and save you and your baby the future heartache!

Answer 8

Sorry to say it honey, but time to cut your losses and dump this guy.

You had lots of warning signs I think. He's got previous kids he doesn't see, he doesn't make his payments properly, and he quit his job without any other prospects lined up.

Now he's very quickly sleeping with other women and then lying about it. He might go to jail, he's free loading off you, he has friend you don't like at all. He's nothing but trouble.

I know he's your baby's father, but that doesn't mean you have to saddle yourself with this loser. You can live your own life. It's not like he's going to be a big help with the baby. He will likely just sit at home and spend your money on beer and try to bang the baby sitter.

Answer 9

I think you should have a heart-to-heart with this guy for the sake of your unborn child. Tell him he needs to clean up his act, FAST or your leaving him. He definitely needs to be more active in finding a job to take care of ALL his responsibilities. He can't expect to make babies with women and then leave...that's not how things work. The saddest thing is, that's exactly what I'm getting from him and he doesn't care about his responsibilities and just wants to have fun. that's not right and pretty son you'll be too big to work, then what? Who would he have then to fall back on? He's not a kid anymore....he needs to really settle down and first and four most to "wrap it up". Good Luck Hun, I wish you the best.

Answer 10

I was in this situation once. He will -never have a job-. You need to ditch him, and ditch him now. There is all sorts of support available for single mothers and if you've got family there, they will be there for you. You do not want to wind up paying for both a child -and- this guy's dumb ***. It is going to be way more than you can handle financially, and you could wind up going bankrupt. Never, ever date a man that doesn't have, or doesn't keep, a job. That is Red Flag #1.