how do you have a relationship with a greedy mother?

Question

My mother is single and lives alone. She has always taken favours from me but rarely gives them back. She always has asked for favours from my family from shovelling her sidewalk to letting her stay with us for a month till her new house was ready. But when it's my turn to ask for favours like babysitting for a few hours,.. etc she either says no or backs out of it last minute. What should I do? I wanted to have a relationship with her, but I don't think I can. When I do hang out with her, she doesn't seem interested in what is happening in my life or in my kids at all. She more or less ignores them when they try to tell her their little stories. Mostly she uses the time to tell me everything about what is going on with her. It's sad, because I don't think she will change as she is a very defensive person. Well, my question is how do I have a relationship with a person like this, especially being that she is also my mother with out being a doormate?

Answer 1

Your in a tough spot. My mother and I was never extremely close. I loved her but there was such an age gap that she could never really understand what was going on in my life and she often passed harsh judgements. That said, she loved me in her way and I loved her in mine. My mom passed away this year and I'd give anything to be able to pick up the phone and call her regardless of what she had to say in return. I think in the end all we can ever truly do with anyone in our life is learn to accept them as they are, love them in spite of their faults and do our best to appreciate the time with them. If your mom is one not to return favors then maybe just start doing those things that you feel she can't do for herself and all the other stuff maybe say, "I didn't come over to do this or that, I came over to see you..so how are things.." and go from there. Patience is a virtue for a reason. Good luck.

Answer 2

OK, you said one thing that is probably quite true, and that is she's probably never going to change.

What is going on here is YOU are taking inventory.
It's like you keep a balance sheet in your head. If you do HER a favour then she is required to do at least one favour for you of equal or greater value.
Then when she fails to follow through with YOUR expectations, you go ahead and torture yourself over it.

I suggest that you lower your expectations of your mother. Even though most parents go out of their way to make sure that they give everything to their children, and ask for nothing in return. It's clear to you that your mom isn't like that so why expect it of her?

You asked "how do I have a relationship with a greedy mother?" Well the fact is YOU DO have a relationship with her! Your relationship at the moment amounts to; she asks and you give, but without the reciprocal give and take that most people try to put into practice.
So the way I see it, is you can either accept the staus quo, or you can set about to make a change. Since we already agree that your mom isn't too likely to change on her own, I suggest that you change the only person that you really have any control over anyway; YOU!

So in the future, only put out as much for your mom as you can afford without expecting anything in return.

Answer 3

You get to pick your friends and ones that are abusive you get to leave in the dirt and not look back.

You parents you are issued. And I would say the same thing. Spend necessary time with her and know what you are getting.

Do not spend anymore time with her than YOU CHOOSE TO. You don't OWE her anything but birthing. You and your children deserve better and she is not going to do that for you.

Good luck and move on. You are not going to change her personality nor her attitues. If she already doesn't know what she is doing your telling her will not help it will only make it worse. Stop trying to make her a Mother. She isn't and she won't