What should I tell her?

Question

A friend of mine is getting married. she had a fight with her fiance because he told her not to go to her bestfriends wedding who by the way is a male. but she went anyway because they have been friends since middle school. when he found out she went to the wedding. they had a big fight and he pushed her against the wall. she took of the ring and told him she didn't want to be in a abusive relationship. do you think she overreact. should she go back. she is now sleeping on my sofa. and i'm pregnant almost due. I love her but i really don't need the stress, tell me what to tell her.

I love her and i want her to be safe, but her fiance is the sweetest guy ever i just can't believe he would do that. and she doesn't want to talk about it so i'm not really sure if thats all that happened. how do i approach her with attacking her?

Answer 1

Please dont say he's "sweet" you do not live with him... I think she did the right thing... If you dont want her staying with you tell her so she can go to family or friends house... Dont encourage her to go back to someone abuses her because then you are helping him...

Answer 2

Hi. Yikes! You are a very kind friend especially with the stress of being pregnant.....but, NO, she did not overreact!

First of all....he is CONTROLLING!! Why in the world would he want his fiance to not to go a friends wedding? Is it because her friend is a male? I wonder what his reaction would have been if her friend had been a girl?

So...he is controlling....then he did not get his way so he pushed her against the wall.

She should be done with him. Do everything you can to support her (as she should do to support you right now). Help her find a new place to live, etc. It will be hard, but she really needs to leave this relationship. Think about it...he didn't get his way this time...what about the next time he doesn't get his way??

Answer 3

I'm sure he is the "sweetest guy ever" TO YOU AND TO OUTSIDERS but any guy who gets bummed out because his fiancee attends the wedding of a friend is NOT a sweet guy - he is a controlling animal! And, if he is this controlling during his engagement when he should be totally in love, you can bet the farm that he will be bruising her and shoving her around A LOT once they're married and having the usual stress and problems. If you're almost due to deliver, you're perfectly healthy and this shouldn't be stressful for you AT ALL unless you're taking sides (his). Let her sleep on your sofa and be kind to her. When your baby arrives and you're exhausted from lack of sleep, you'll need her friendship! She'll be the first one to come over and clean your kitchen or wash/fold clothes!! That's what real friends do! Give her a few more days to rest and regroup her thoughts and do not allow her to go back to him for the sake of convenience. A good friend would call a counselling centre and strongly suggest that she go down to talk to an impartial professional. She has everything to gain and nothing to lose by listening to good advice. She has her life to ruin and possibly lose if she isn't supported emotionally and goes back to this creep. A girl doesn't take off her engagement ring and sleep on a sofa on a whim!! She's my new HERO!

Answer 4

Sorry, but you are very pregnant and nearly due and you don't need the drama. Your main priority is you and the health of your baby and definetly, this is putting a strain when you need to be relaxing.

The couple in question need some trained professionals to assist them, so please refer her to a woman's shelter, another friend or her family as you should not feel responsible for her safety and well being, you have other priorities and she is an ADULT and can pull through without pulling you down in such a critical time for you.

I know that you are a concerned friend, but if she cares about you too, then she should be looking for a place to stay soon out of consideration for you. Talk to her and tell her that she should be exploring other accomodation options before the baby arrives. If she is a tru friend, she should understand.

Honestly, you have been more than a friend, but it's time to think about your baby now. She's in a bad spot now but yu have already housed her and have been the shoulder to cry on. If she needs futher assistance, there are several programs available for victims of domestic violence. She did not over reacted in my opinion, but I believe that this fight is far from over and TRUST ME, you don't want to get caught in the middle of this with a baby aboard specially since she seems not to be forthcoming with the details of the situation.

Good luck

Answer 5

Just because you think he is sweet does not diminish the fact that he threw her against a wall. The very first time a man does that to a woman, she should leave and not go back. No matter how sorry he may claim to be, it will only get worse. She did not overreact, she did the right thing. Its stressful for you, but dont let her go back to that jerk. Tell her that you hope she can find a place to live within a week, or perhaps another friend can take her in for awhile.

Answer 6

She did the right thing by leaving. This guy sounds jelous, controlling, and yeah...potentially physically abusive. It starts with a shove and ends up with her in the hospital. Trust me I have a friend who's in intensive care now from the same thing because her boyfriend took a 2x4 to her head. The whole time we tried to get her away "Oh he would never REALLY hurt me".

If your friend is really stressing you out and it may cause you to loose the baby you need to tell her that then do your best to get her on her feet somewhere else. If it's just extra BS you don't want to deal with but from a medical standpoint isn't having any effect I would consider helping her out if she's a good friend. Perhaps make it beneficial to you both. She can stay on your couch for a little while (say a few months to get a deposit together for her own place) and in return she helps you with the baby as "rent".

Answer 7

I understand you not wanting extra stress because your almost due, however, you need to be there for her...honestly how would you feel if the roles were reversed? i mean i know you can always say "well i wouldn't do that" but seriously think about it...if you had no other place to go....

My ex boyfriend slapped me across the face and pushed me up against the wall...he was gone...
your friend is NOT overreacting

Answer 8

Do you really want your friend to go back to time and have this whole thing happend all over again. If he hit her once, he will most likely do it again and this might have happend before. If she cannot stay with you then encourage her to go to another friend or shelter that can help her through this stressful since the world must stop for your pregenancy. Just do not let her go back to that guy.

Answer 9

She did the right thing, good for her. If he would push her now, what will he do later? Abusers often seem like the nicest guys to everyone else. Let her walk away, he's not worth it. He needs counseling and maybe once he's had it he can find another relationship.

Answer 10

This is definitely a red flag for her. She has already identified this in her mind as an abusive relationship.

It's too complicated an issue to offer much advice, other than counseling is in order, both individual and together, if she has any interest in the relationship continuing.

I don't know him, but it is common for abusive men to promise their partner the world if they will come back. And then, the old pattern continues.

Please everyone check out the 25 Dating Red Flags and pass along to others.

25 Dating Red Flags
http://www.marriagepreparationonline.com/personality-issues/dating-red-flags

Answer 11

There are options other than go back to someone who will slam you into a wall or sleep on your couch. I'd give her some time (a week or 2) and tell her by then, she needs to get an apartment to live in. As someone who grew up in an abusive household, no, I don't recommend her going back to someone like him. I'd assume you'd feel pretty badly if she went back to him on your urging and she showed up later with a broken arm and black eye...