Big wedding?

Question

My fiance and I have both already been married once. I want just a small, informal wedding and party afterwards. He wants this big formal wedding. (His guest list is like 400 people). We have fought and argued about this to the point that, I am tempted to just cancel the whole wedding and tell him it is a court house or nothing. Mostly it is finances, we both have kids and bills, plus I am too busy to plan a big wedding and he doesn't want to get involved in that. I am going to college, plus working 60 hours a week, plus raising 2 small children. I don't want to fight with him anymore, but I don't see how he expects us to pull this off.

Answer 1

This sounds like a stressful situation! The good news is, it sounds as though your groom wants half of the phone book to share in his joy - which likely means he's very excited to be marrying you. The bad news is, it'll be up to you to convince him (in a calm, rational manner) to scale it back to at least meet you halfway.

A couple of specific recommendations:

1.) Remind him that while most of the guests will be polite and not say anything about it, not all of them will want to take part in a second wedding spectacular. Second weddings - if seconds for both people - tend to be smaller affairs. This means generally close friends and family.

2.) If money and planning are an issue for you, you can't get blood from a stone or add more hours to a day. It's just that simple. Tell your groom you'll gladly have a big wedding if he can come up with a reasonable plan to make it happen. (This is his vision, after all).

In the end, if he wants something he's unwilling to work for, he'll be forced to compromise, and that is the word that will get you both headed in a healthy, productive direction. A wedding should not cause you so much stress and hardship that your day-to-day lives become more difficult. It should be an event tailored to the reality of your circumstances.

Cheers, and best of luck!

Answer 2

Just level with him... he can have any kind of wedding that HE DOES THE PLANNING FOR and wants to pay for.
If he wants the huge formal blow-out, he gets to put that together.
If he wants to go along with the more modest one, you will handle that... no problem.
Explain that you are already at critical mass and literally cannot handle any more. If he still insists on the big one, you quietly stand your ground... the whole concept of wanting the best while leaving you holding the bag is a set-up for misery. You don't want that precedent.

You might decide to arm yourself with some facts and figures... a spreadsheet comparison so you can compare apples to apples what it all means. Maybe that will open his eyes. If he hires a wedding coordinator to do all the grunt work, those are like $200 to $500 an hour PLUS everything else. It is a real industry!

He probably doesn't realize that the first time out, his first wife did all the work in putting that shebang all together, and her family paid for it. The groom's family just does the wedding dinner.

Given that this is the second time out for both of you, I think the money would be better spent on a NICE honeymoon trip instead of some pile of ostentation that leaves you with another photo album that will sit collecting dust.

Answer 3

Tell him it's fine if he's willing to plan and pay for all the 'extras'. You're FAR too busy to be able to plan the type of event he wants - that's crazy!! I'm working 50 hours a week on average, and working on another master's degree part time. My fiance has been extremely helpful with planning, and I still feel like I'm too busy. I can't imagine doing all of that with 2 young kids!! I think you're pretty close to superwoman :-)

You're absolutely right that you should not do anything more than you can easily afford. Starting your marriage in debt is not a good idea. And with 400 people, your wedding will cost a fortune. If you can't save enough money to write a check for it, don't do it!!

Just talk to him and offer your own suggestions about planning the wedding. He may not be aware of what's involved in planning or of how expensive weddings are.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Hi and congratulations!

I can feel for you....really. It sounds like your fiance has turned into the male form of a "bridezilla." You are right to stick to your guns!

You need to really sit down with him and discuss this. He, in my opinion, is being very unrealistic. A wedding for 400 people....that will be about $30,000, unless you plan to serve hot dogs!

Maybe he never had a big wedding the first time? But really, his expectations of you planning this huge thing are unrealistic. There are many, many couples on this forum that WANT the small, intimate wedding. Perhaps he doesn't know everything that goes into planning a huge wedding like that. From the venue, to the DJ, to the flowers, to the outfits! Maybe show him some articles....such as the average cost of a wedding in the U.S. today is $28,000!!

Small = less stress
Small = less money spent
Small = more intimate

Good for you for going back to college along with working and raising kids! You should be proud of yourself!

Yes, I agree with you TOTALLY! You need to plan something small and a little party afterwards....or the courthouse! A big wedding is very unrealistic especially with raising kids, paying bills, and paying for college.

Tell your fiance what I have told many brides on here..."you are NO LESS married by having a small ceremony and party than someone that spent thousands more dollars! Married is married!"

Good luck!

Answer 5

Talk to your fiance about this, explain to him you both have other commitments in life that the money can be used for other than a big wedding. You can have a small wedding of very close friends and family cheap and still have a great time. Plus planning a wedding, big or small, is alot of work. Talk to him and see if you can come up with a compromise.

Answer 6

Hmm... this sounds familiar! I just got married in late September and the cost of our wedding came out of our own pockets too. (No help from parents, etc.) His list was out of control. We agreed to do immediate family only, then he started verbally inviting friends when it was time to send out invitations. We went from just under 30 people to almost 80!!! I was a little angry since dinner costed $45 per person and didn't know how I was going to afford that. Ended up that half of them that RSVP's that they would come, didn't!! (A little mad about that too.) I had WAY too much cake and pre-paid food left over, that we were not allowed to take home!

I chose a pleasant (not cheesy) wedding chapel in Lake Tahoe. One of the package deals costed us $850.00. That included the minister, chapel for 1 hour, music piped-in, seating for 50 people, a professional photographer and a CD of our ceremony. That also included 25 free photos of our choice. They sent us the proofs, now all I have do is make up my mind!!

For the party afterwards, I found a nice restaurant nearby that could hold that number of people. In my case The Chart House had a whole 2nd floor with an outside patio/grassy area too. So we weren't all closed-in. It was buffet style, but still elegant. Basically just no dancing like regular receptions.

The cake was the worst headache. I hope you have that squared away. I didn't know I should have ordered it months ahead of time, but I got lucky and one guy made it work and delivered it to the restaurant! Whew!

I don't know where you live, but there are chapels around lots of places.

Answer 7

Surely you can come to a compromise. I'd tell him he can have any wedding he personally plans, and you'll turn over the guest list for your people. If you don't care about a big shindig, and he does, let him do all the work. If he isn't willing to do that, he doesn't really want the big wedding. Who on earth says the woman has to arrange the whole thing? My fiance found the dj, booked our reception location, chose the menu, arranged the alcohol and a few other things--all on his own! We did alot of other things together, and I did a few things myself. If he really wants a big wedding (which 400+ is HUGE), let him do all the work to make it happen.

Answer 8

WOW your fiance is being very unreasonable how can he expect a big formal wedding with over 400 people. Tell him to do the math. Think about how much it would cost to feed each person. Lets say its $15 to feed each person thats $6000 alone right there. Ask him how he expects to feed all of those people, plust have cost for a ceremony/reception location, transportation, hotel blocks, wedding attire, decorations, etc. Tell him to open uph is eyes. Tell him in informal small wedding is more resonable and cheaper. You two have kids and bills to pay. Tell him somewhere down the road you two can have a formal second wedding.

Answer 9

To show respect for him as your (hopefully) future partner, you need to sit down with him and discuss this with him as you have with us, and ask him ALSO to tell you all the reasons why he feels SOooo strongly that he "needs" to have a huge wedding with 400 people. Take time to listen to his reasons, if he has them and if he tells them to you. Actually, ask him and listen to his reasons FIRST!

Then explain that:
1) you don't want to start your life with him deep in debt, and such a huge wedding WOULD put you two deep in debt.
2) You are going to college AND working 60 hr/wk PLUS raising 2 small children, and there are limits to how much you can do in planning a wedding.
3) He's made it clear that he wants to dump ALL this HUGE amount of work on your shoulders, which is inappropriate considering your responsibilities as listed in #2 above
4) You don't want to fight with him, but the final choice DOES belong to the bride!
5) Forcing you to run a HUGE wedding under conditions listed in #2 above shows a serious lack of respect for YOU as a person and as a marital partner. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not ownership of a female by a male!

He doesn't expect "us" to pull this off...
He expects YOU do do it with NO HELP on his part.

If his attitude is one of his being the one in control, maybe you need to back off on the wedding. I'm not sure you've selected a spouse who will be supportive of you and work WITH you on important issues. You are being realistic. He is being delusional in his demands. He's acting like a high controller. I don't think I'd make an ultimatum of big wedding vs. courthouse because I'm not sure you should marry him. Just because you love this man, that's not a guarantee that he's the right man for you to marry.

If he has to control the wedding to the point where he'd argue with you so strenuously as he already has when you have such valid reasons for a small, simple wedding and reception, then he's not valuing you as a husband should value his wife. I'm not as worried about the problem of whether you could pull it off as I am worried that you'd have a very BAD marriage with this man. I'm sorry.

But give him a chance to tell you why this is so important to him. Listen to his answers carefully. Look in his eyes and accept he has the right to feel as he feels. Hopefully you'll learn things about him and where he is coming from that will be important for you to know.

Answer 10

Sounds like you both need to come to some sort of compromise. Maybe in stead of the court house wedding you can have a small intimate wedding,(more affordable) instead of a huge wedding. Invite only your closest freinds and family. Maybe keep you head count to like 30 to 50 people. And i would tell him however, that if he wants a wedding wedding then he is going to have to help in planning. He truly can not expect you to do it all.
I wish you both the best of luck.