Is it okay to have feelings of anger and hate towards your parents?

Question

I love my mom (not my step-dad because he's a pedophile), but the truth is is that I have so much unhidden anger towards both of them.My parents would give me guilt trips and make me feel like I was a bad girl, so I would hide my anger and try to give them leeway. I would say"Oh they're not so bad, at least they're doing what's best for me." I was even praising my pedo step-dad because my mom brainwashed me to treat him as a "life saver." But I'm sick of it! My therapist even said my parents are a reason why I'm the way how I am today. If any of you read my topic about my mom choosing to stay with my step-dad, and thinking that money, reputation and living a rich life is more important than my happiness, than you know why I'm pissed right now. Not to mention that she chose that sicko to marry, brought him in the house, and forced us to pretend that he's our real dad. She keeps saying "I married him because we needed a house." So having a house is more important than what happens to

me as a child? There are other things going on, like my mom saying annoying things that hurt my feelings.And she wonders why I have low self esteem and obsess about how I look!

As for my step-dad, he's just a pedophile who thinks there's nothing wrong with what he did to me and he wants me to treat him like a real father.

If my parents read this, they're going to think I'm selfish and that I have no respect for my elders. They think that giving me a house and food is just so great, but they dont' know how to actually parent or provide emotional support and foster a psychologicall healthy environment.

But, do you think I have a right to be angry? How the hell do they expect me to be happy when they're going to act like this?

Yes, I'm moving out but not until next year. I need to save up enough money first.

But living with them in the meantime and thinking about how our family is just angers me. I know this environment isn't going to make me happy.

Haha, my mom is too terrified to send my step-dad to jail. She's way too worried about family reputation in the East Indian community, but I don't want to live my life like that. She's tries to pressure me to live life like she wants though.

I'm an adult, but the abuse happened when I was a kid. I didn't tell anybody, because I thought my mom wouldn't believe me and she would just say "we need him for money." I told her recently because I was so ******* sick of her saying how great my step-dad is, how he saved our lives, and how he did so much for us. I don't care how much he did for us..you don't ******* molest me when I'm 12.

Teedad-I'm seeking counseling and my therapist is encouraging me to leave. She said my family is ****** up, and it's so good to hear that. I always was blamed for criticizing my family.

My parents won't get counseling. They think therapy is stupid, a waste of money and they're scared about their Indian friends gossipping.

I'm 24. A therapist doesn't have to report a child abuse incident that happened in the past, because I'm an adult right now.

Why am I still living with my parents? Because my parents would tell me that I won't be able to live on my own, that I'm a baby, that I'm screwed up, and that I'm nothing without them.

I'm going to prove them wrong.

Answer 1

Your feelings are your own and it's OK to have them, whatever they are. The real question is, what will you do with them? You've kept things inside for years and you kept your mouth shut about the molestation. Your Mom won't send him to jail, but you can. You can file charges against him. You don't have to wait for your Mom to do it. Call the police, tell them your story and ask them what you can do.

It's not unusual for the spouse of a child molester to be in denial. Try not to blame your Mom for not being supportive of you. I know that's not easy but, believe it or not, she's doing the best she knows how with what she's got. That doesn't make you feel any better and it definitely doesn't excuse what happened to you. But it might help you to realize that she's just as human as you and she's not perfect. She makes mistakes.

You have to decide how you want your life to be and you have to take measures to make it that way. You have to take responsibility for your choices and you have to take action. You are in charge of your life. If it will take you another year to save enough money to get your own place, is it possible you could move in with a friend and share expenses so you could move sooner? That's something to investigate.

If you feel your therapist is helping you, continue to see her. She will help you explore the past and why things are the way they are but you also have to look to the future and take some action to make things the way you want them to be. Think about the life you want to have and ask your therapist to help you figure out the steps you need to take to move forward. Things can get easier but you have to be willing to let go of the past for that to happen. Best of luck to you.

Answer 2

It's completely fair and natural to feel anger and resentment toward your parents. What happened to you was horrible and it obviously had a tremendous impact on the woman you've become. Your step-dad did a really bad thing and doesn't deserve to be in your life. You are upset with your mother because she brought him into your life and then didn't keep you safe which is a mother's job. You probably blame her on many levels for the things you went through. It's great that you are seeking counseling for this. Hopefully you won't let this ruin your life.

Sweetie, as you get older something you will learn is that it's impossible to control what other people feel or do. Even though they SHOULD both feel guilty and horrible for everything they exposed you to, they don't seem to GET IT. If I were you, I would cut the step-dad out of my life completely. There is absolutely no reason to keep exposing you to that man. The only hope here is that you are able to somehow save a relationship with your mother but that will NEVER happen unless she fully understands your sexual abuse, admits her part in it to you, and apologizes for not protecting you. I would recommend she go to therapy WITH you for a few sessions so your therapist can guide her through the process. If she's unwilling to do any of those healing measures, then I would cut her out too!

Answer 3

Get out and Get out now. There are safe houses that can protect you. Help you with education and finding a job.
File charges on your sicko step father.
These things are not okay. I know that it is a very hard step to take and if I was there I would hold on to you along the way. But you need to protect yourself. I am suprised that you have a therapist that would know about molistation and not report it to the authorties. Are you over 18? It is still rape. Get out, get to a safe house. When you are ready and that sicko is out of the picture hopefully you can repair the damage between you and you mom.
In short....Get out.....Fire your therapist.....report the abuse/rape and most important stay safe.
After ready more keep the therapist. But get out!

Answer 4

Hi Hon... we tend to believe what we hear growing up, and it becomes engrained in our brains... so hearing "you can't", "you are no good" over and over is something we start to believe. I know, my father was horrible to me, and i felt terrible about myself because of it.

I'm sorry about your experience with sexual abuse. You really need to discuss it with your therapist, if you have not already. Realize that, at the time of the incident, your step parent was ILL (maybe still is) and it was NOT your fault at all. You are still living with him, i assume, and resent him. I'm sure this is how anyone would feel...

Yes, our parents do influence us and many times, our issues are the direct result of the way we were treated... I agree.

HOWEVER, YOU can work to change the attitude you have toward yourself... NO it's NOT easy, takes a lot of effort and work on your part.

What happened in your life is done and over. It can not be changed. So now is the time to try to move forward and look toward better days to come.

I hope you are still in therapy. If so, ask your therapist about CBT.. it is cognitive behavioral therapy and is wonderful. As a victim of post traumatic stress disorder because of abuse as a child, i went through CBT treatment and it worked well, because i WORKED THE PROGRAM.......

Cognitive behavioral therapy helps us to change the way we are programmed to react to situations... for the better. It helps us to think differently and in a more positive way, as well. You can do a Yahoo search for CBT SELF HELP for more information. Maybe just browsing websites on the subject will be of some help to you ? It's worth a try.

Please remember, it's taken you YEARS to come to this point of anger and frustration in your life... and it is going to take time to recover and manage your feelings, and put things into perspective.

About your mother -- she probably doesn't know any better than to depend upon a man for a house, and a life. She may have no clue that she is capable of doing things on her own... many women play the "helpless" role. Sometimes because they don't have the smarts, other times because they don't want to make an effort. Whatever the reasons your Mom has, maybe it's time to accept her at face value and REALIZE you can't change her or the way SHE chooses to live.

But you can work toward change in YOU. I care, and i hope you do, also. Please make an effort toward a positive change for your own, emotional well being. You DESERVE GOOD THINGS!

hugs

Answer 5

it's ok to be angry, but it's not healthy to hang on to it. I think what you have been through is horrible, but it's done. If you allow them to make you angry all the time and feel hate in your heart then you are allowing them to control you. Take charge of your own life. You know what they are all about, they probably aren't going to change but it doesn't have to ruin your life. I would talk to a counselor at school or file charges. Who cares if they get upset, are they even considering your feelings? Do what you need to do, but let go of the hate. You don't have to love them, but just learn that they're opinions and actions are irrelevant at this point to you. You don't need their approval. You're a big girl, you have your own life. Shame on them.

Answer 6

of course it's okay to be angry towards your parents. If your mom knows what is going on and ignores it then it is time for you to report it to someone who is willing to help you. Tell your mom to think of it this way. If your Step dad is in prison, then she still gets the house. Talk to a teacher or go to the police. No one deserves to be abused.

Answer 7

i am very sorry u r hurt!and no it isnt right for her to put u threw all the hell she is and him he is a coward and he will get whats coming to him it might not be soon but there will be his time !stay strong!life is worth more!and u r young!time will heal!

Answer 8

May be, But you, your mum and certainly your step-dad all need help, I mean like individual and joint counseling.

Answer 9

Great opening line.....truly heartwarming
sorry to hear you got molested. all the best