My Brother is Two People?

Question

My brother is in hs forties and is a member of Yahoo answers. He has many more best answers than I and his responses seem thoughtful and intelligent.

But...

I visited my mother yesterday. My brother still lives with mum and dad. They are elderly and frail and he does not do enough to help them round the house. His bedroom is an absolute pig sty, looking almost as if a complete and utter drug addict lived there. He has always been this way but in recent years has become much worse. There are weeks worth of takeaway lying about there and once he vomitted on the floor and DID NOT CLEAR IT UP. The stain remains to ths day!!!

Dad is in hospital now and is quite ill. Brother will not visit him as he is "afraid of hospitals". More likely he likes to get to the pub in the evening and has no time for dad, who worked all his life to support us.

Question is this: How can someone who, in real life, is a complete scumbag give such a convincing pretence of decency?

I am interested in the answer because I think that if he knows how to be a decent, productive human being (as his Yahoo answers seem to indicate) then why is his real world self such a lowlife?

My brothers room could only be worse, in my opinion, is he had dead animals there or had made his bathroom there. Sometimes I am not sure if the latter is untrue. I know he made in the shower once and left it for someone else to clean up.

I feel sorry for my father. My mother seems to relish the attention she gets from having a "special son", even though I firmly believe its all a scam on his part. My father still chases my brother out of the house to work every day even though he has renal failure. The last words I said to my brother before I stopped contact with him were "you have to do better than this. You're a complete disgrace."

If my parents would let me I would toss him into the street where he belongs. They are old and frail and should enjoy their life without a slob like him around, but we are all masters of our fate and they choose to manage his life for him.

Note that they do not get help because he lives with them and he does not do the job of carer. This annoys me too.

Answer 1

because your parents have enabled him to live with them all his life, and they have enforced NO boundaries and limits upon him.

therefore, he lives like a slob, uses them and vomits freely all over the place.

your brother does have sense, he just doesn't utilize it in his own life, it seems.

Answer 2

It sounds like your brother has no self esteem and believes he's not worth the effort of taking care of himself. He goes to the pub to numb his feelings. He's obviously not happy about how his life has turned out and doesn't realize he has to take responsibility for his choices.

His answers here are a reflection of what he knows he has to do for himself. He has the answers inside him and he can easily advise other people but when it comes to doing it for himself, that's not so easy. This is not uncommon.

If you have an interest in helping your brother, you can start by not telling him what a loser he is. He already tells himself that all day every day. Try helping him see his good side. Tell him what you think of his answers on here. Tell him how great they are and how helpful. Show him some kindness and help him see how he's hurting himself. Help him believe he's worth the effort of turning things around.

You've shown that you understand your parents have made the choice of allowing him to stay with them. They need him to be there as much as he needs to be there. Their needs are not healthy ones. Your Mum probably feels guilty about telling him to leave and at the same time she enjoys being needed. Throwing him out in the street is not the answer. Helping him learn to like himself is the best course of action. It's also the most difficult one.

Your question, "How can someone who, in real life, is a complete scumbag give such a convincing pretence of decency?" can be answered by learning to see that his decency is not a pretence. It's who he really is inside. He doesn't feel comfortable with that part of himself and he doesn't know how to show that side of himself to the world in real life. He's letting that out here because this is annonymous. Tell him that you know that side of him is there and show him that you accept that side of him as who he really is and you may be able to help him.

The "scumbag" part is the result of injuries he's suffered through his life, real or imagined. He won't be able to show his decency to the world until he's able to work through all those layers of pain on top. It would be helpful to him if he knew he had someone in his life who can see through all those layers to who he really is inside. You've seen through. Are you willing to help?

Answer 3

Hi, it sounds like your brother has some kind of mental illness. If he can function and appear as a decent person on her for instance, but the reality is as you describe it sounds pretty certain to me.

His fear of hospitals would make me think this too. And his attitude to your parents, sounds like he is in need of some help here.

I work in mental health and I know from experience I can hold a perfectly reasonable telephone call with a person, only to visit their home and it be a total mess (much worse than you describe believe me!)

Your brother seems to fall into this category. If he is in the UK your parents need an assessment, as it sounds like it is difficult .

Just because someone has a mental illness does not mean they are a waste of space.

Answer 4

Knowing what should be done is an entirely different thing than having to actually physically do it your self. This is the internet you can be whoever you want to be or whatever persona you want to take on.

Answer 5

he sounds depressed. Maye he is not able to cope with real life.

Answer 6

This guy needs a kick up the ****!! i truely hope you can sort him out. (sorry but had to be said) :)