Worried about My Step Daughters Behaviour?

Question

Really worries about my step daughters behaviour when she comes to see her father, This happens every other weekend. Me and my partner feel that she is being told by her mother that she isnt loved by him before she comes to see us this causes her to cry before we collect her, We have both reasured her that she is loved and we are both here for her. I feel it is getting harder because she has started acting like she is a baby and keeps telling her father that she loves him constanly and if we leave the house with out him to go to the shop she kisses him not once but about 7 or 8 times and then repeats that she loves him. I really feel for her because she is a lovely girl. Her mother must be telling her alot of horrible things it is unfair to her. Please can someone give me some advice on this as I feel Im at my wits end?

Answer 1

If she is, the mother does not have a good relationship with her child and could be fighting with both of you...how do you know it's not you she's been made to feel afraid of? I've witnessed female and male isolationists, they lie like rugs.

1. This type of behavior is not limited to specific gender.

2. This type of behavior is not limited to custodial parents or non-custodial parents - it is not limited to divorce or marriage.

3. This type of behavior is not limited to family.

4. They also work in government agencies, court houses, and therapy offices.

5. They can be a neighbor

Everyone is responsible for their behavior and actions.

If her mother is working on her there will be no question because the mother will brag about what she is doing in the event she causes enough problems to you or your husband and you get peeved enough to confront - not something she'd want anyone else to find out. If she is doing this she will say you are responsible for her behavior while simutaneously denying what's she's doing. Don't give her a societal stage either. Parent on the same page and protect your marriage...you may be dealing with spiritually bankrupt individual who is choosing not to take responsibility for her prior marriage failures which should be over - she may have a background of not dealing with her own behavior...who cares. She may be obsessed with causing trouble to glorify herself and so IF she's placing fear in her child for no reason she is who she is NASTY...say your peace if it get's worse and then turn away. Don't run away...turn your back on her ignorance if she's always fighting with you both using her child.

As for right now hugging and kissing is positive...leave it be.

Answer 2

It would help if you had told us the age of the child but I'm assuming she's inbetween 5 and 12?

If that's the case, her mother may not be telling her anything. Parents separating is a very very difficult thing for children to go through. It causes all sorts of security and sometimes identity issues. It sounds like your step daughter is suffering from security issues. She does not get to see her father as much, so when she does see him she has to make absolutely sure that he is still there and he still loves her. She may even think the separation was her fault and is trying to make up for it by constantly reminding him that she loves him. It is a very good idea to keep reassuring her that you both love her, and that the separation was not her fault. (Even if it was.) Invite her to talk to you guys and express how she is feeling. It may be a good idea, too, to get into some family counseling to help her get through the changes going on.

Hope this helped and best of luck to you.

Answer 3

Wow, I am a mother whose daughters go to their father every other weekend. I have issues with his wife because she is always trying to overstep my parenting with the girls. But in your situation, I am almost thinking your stepdaughter feels some sort of guilt towards not being there for her dad. The way you write this seems like the daughter is feeling guilty of not being around the dad. The baby talk and all that just seems like she is trying to be something to him that maybe she thinks he has missed or is missing?

It sounds like you are trying so hard to be a good stepmom. That is so nice to hear. I would recommend you being out of the picture once in a while when she is there and let her and her dad connect and talk and just be together. Maybe he can get at the root of her odd behaviour. Have you guys talked to her Mom about these concerns? Maybe she is having a difficult time in another way with your step daughter.

Answer 4

I've thought of a few thing's that may be able to help you out. Pick your favorite and run with it.
1. Buy her love. No kid could hate somebody who just bought a new Nintendo Wii system for them.
2. Kid nap her and move to Mexico.
3. Put the Mother into a sick twisted murderous game from the SAW movies.
4. Go on the talk show Maury.
5. Tell the girl that her Mom is a liar and that you love her more.
6. Every just think that the mom is right? Maybe you guys do treat her bad... Just saying.. Think about it....
7. Plant drugs in their house and call the Police.
8. Pray to Jesus...He's always willing to lend a helpful hand.
9. Take up Witchcraft and Voodo her love for you.
10. Continue to reasure her and don't get involved in the games that her mother is playing. Make sure she know's that you guys love her.

Hope I helped.

Answer 5

You are doing the right thing by reassuring her that she is loved. She will be feeling confused and torn about loyalties between her parents regardless of their relationship with each other or what her mother may be telling her when they are together. Keep showing her love and acceptance and encourage her to be a big girl and communicate how she is feeling. All the best. You are doing well and it is great you are concerned for her wellbeing. Hope there is some progress with time.

Answer 6

We've had this with my stepkids. they started saying they didn't want me there when they saw their Dad. In the end, there were so many issues over the contact visits (their mother tries to stop them - she has done some awful things, like not bring them home from holiday in time to go away with me and mytwo, take them away for several days when he was due to pick them up...) that it had to go to mediation. Then we got to the bottom of some of it. There are no probs now with the kids, apart from usual adolescent "stuff".

I'd suggest get someone to talk to her - if not her own Dad, then what about a grandparent or family friend? It may be stuff her mum's saying, it may be that she wants to spend mor time with her dad (mine spend alternate weeks with each of us)? Could she be acting the way she thinks he wants her to act?

My best guess is for whatever reason she feels she has to show her mum she loves her best, and then when she gets to yours she has to make up for it. Kids are very strange animals at times.

Answer 7

Maybe have her father ask her a few questions to get to the bottom of it. He should do it and not you since he is her parent. If you do, she might resent you thinking you are trying to take her mothers place.
It would be what you think or it could be that she is going through the motions, trying to adjust to all the changes.
Some counseling might help.

Answer 8

You need to step back a little. This child has clearly been severely traumatised by the marriage break up - as any child is in this situation. You have no evidence that her mother is saying "horrible things to her". To speculate that she is, is definitely putting you into the category of wicked stepmother. Let your husband do the re-assuring. You are not her mother, you cannot love her like her real mother and you cannot take her real mother's place.

Answer 9

not necessarially no. she misses her dad and want to let him know that.. Are you sure your not jealous?

Answer 10

you don't say how old she is.
Her life has been torn in half by her parents.
I recommend counseling.