Would 6-year-old feel like mom abandoned her if I let her stay with her dad for a time due to family issue?

Question

She was being molested by her older brother (age 17) and her dad said maybe the girls could stay with him for awhile; he won't take the boy. We're awaiting the guidance from child protective services, but if they suggest that we have the kids live apart, their dad will likely say he will take the girls. Beyond the horrific pain of being in this situation, do you think that if I have her and her sister stay with their dad for a time, the 6-year-old will feel like I abandoned her? Or that she is somehow being punished or banished because she told on her brother? Of course I want to do what's best for the kids (all of them), but never in my worst nightmare did I ever think I'd be considering having any of my kids live apart from me, even temporarily. Any ideas?

Answer 1

I think you should have the older brother removed from her house, not send her away from there. Is there any way that this could happen? Is there any places that will take this boy? By sending your little girl away, she will entirely blame herself. Kids do this.

You poor thing, what a terrible situation to be in.

Answer 2

Although it will be surely difficult for her to not have her "mommy" nearby, I think it is necessary to have them split up. Could it not be possible for you to keep the girls and have the boy live somewhere else? I think the girls would be better off with you because most kids (especially girls) have better bonds with the mother. Not saying their father couldn't do well, but if she was molested, by a "male", she could feel uncomfortable around even her dad?! I don't know. I can't imagine this situation. I'm sorry you've had to experience this, especially with your own son. If they must go to their dad's, do your best and explain to her she isn't at fault and it is for the best she goes to her dad's for the time being and that she'll be back with you as soon as possible. Best of luck.

Answer 3

At age 6, most kids are fairly independent.
Take your time in explaining to the girls that they must live with their dad for a while during the time you are dealing with their brother.
Explain that their dad is big and strong and can protect them very well.

Thank God the daughter was brave enough to tell... her victimization could have gone on for years.
Good luck on getting treatment for the boy. Better he gets it now than after many years of molesting many children and being on a permanent public predator database.

Answer 4

Shouldn't the boy be with a correctional facility? You have to do what you have to do as a parent and that includes keeping you daughter out of danger. She will most likely have counseling for the molestation, and the abandoning issue can be addressed there also. Her safety comes first, and as long as you make an effort to make it seem like she is staying with dad because dad really misses her or something like that, rather than because she told on her brother, it will be less of an issue. It is too bad that dad wont take the boy because he is really the one who should leave.

Answer 5

I think she's at an age where you can talk to her about the situation let her know of what and why this is happening. While explaining you can reassure her. Its probably important that you visit her often keep your promises. I'd definitely recommend you get a therapist for you and the child this could help the situation. I'm hoping with previous molestation situation you have already gotten a therapist.

Answer 6

yes i think she will think exactly that. your husband should take his 17 year old son. boys that age idolize their fathers. rejection by the dad cant be good for him. it is absolutely his place to step up and spend time with him.

my idea is that you keep the girls with you. i am concerned about all the kids, the boy too. you and your husband could try to work together to put this in perspective.

there are different degrees of molestation. i dont know how serious this is, but, these are delicate ages all around, and they are all children, and i am praying for all 3 of your kids that this can be solved and that no one gets their life ruined over this. actually your husband could spend some time with this boy and do this to teach him more about life so he does not see a 6 year old as an object. it has to do with respect for each other. your husband drawing lines in the sand about this is not good for the situation. in fact your husband needs to step up and not only take his son but spend a lot of time with his son, man to man. because for your son to do this there is a chapter missing that i believe it is your husbands duty to make right. to salvage your son at the eve of his manhood so he can grow into a good man and to give you and the girls a respite from this so they dont have to dwell on it and can move on, with the knowledge that daddy is teaching brother right from wrong, in fact, i would go as far to say that your husband needs to do this. and that is really reaching, isnt it? but this is a wake up call for all of you. i do not want it to be a life destroying episode. these are young children both of you made. you can all get past this and learn from it and grow from it if you pull together in the spirit of respecting each other.

now that this thing has come out you can change this. if you stay in control and think straight and remember all 3 are your children. face it, be brave, and go forward. go to the bookstore and read the books on molestation. i personally do not agree with that whole 'survivor' mentality of sexual molestation. i believe that ones future need not revolve around what may have been an isolated incident. i do not agree with some peoples idea that leans toward making your son out to be a monster and your daughter a damaged victim for life. have you explained to your son this is wrong? did he know this in no uncertain terms before this happened? does he understand now? does your daughter understand this is not her fault, and that she does not have to think about it again? your own calm and controlled reactions to this will go a long way toward helping this situation. i wish you strength and wisdom, and some other things to think about so your girl does not dwell.

Answer 7

i would let dad take the girls for a while. if he lives close you can stop by, but call first to let dad know. you don't want to invade his privacy too much. you can always call every night before she goes to bed. just don't let her know why she is staying with dad. tell her daddy has really been missing them, and it is like a vacation. tell her brother is too busy with sports, school, etc., to go. no need to add to her guilt, or mental state. i was abused by a neighbor boy who was about 10, when i was around 5. i still remember it, but i never told my parents, or anyone. i'm 44 now, and no one knows, except my therapist. just keep her busy as much as you can. try to keep life as normal, and routine as it was before. she is smarter then you think at her age. if you over do it, she will know something is up. believe me i know you just want to love, hug, and take care of her, do special things, etc.. you can't make it obvious to her she is getting special treatment. she will wonder why, then she will think about it, and recall the incident. good luck to you. this will probably be the hardest thing you go through in life. i hope your ex remembers you need to work like a team, not side against each other. GOD bless you, i'll say some prayers.

Answer 8

you say its your worst night mare to have your kids live away from you - how the heck do you think their dad feels?? could it also not be his worst night mare to have his kids live away from him??
obviously it was more of a nightmare because as it turns out the girl not only wasnt living with him but she was molested!

if she feels safe with her dad.. (and unless you are the type that brainwashes young kids against their dad becuase of bitter divorce - so why wouldnt she feel safe) - then let her stay with him..

get the boy help.. dont be afraid of him.. why is he molesting her? and who else has he molested??


no your daughter will not feel abandoned if she sees you have been active in getting her away from this boy.. and make sure she knows 100 % her dad loves her.. and he loved you at a time.. and you loved him... do not bring the pain of divorce into this.. be friendly with your ex.

Answer 9

You should talk to her...(as what the person who first answered this question) just tell her that she will be with her dad for a while and that she is not in trouble, and that she did the right thing on telling you... *take her out for ice cream* =)
and tell her that it is like a long "sleep-over party" with her dad and sister.

I hope everything works out with you and your family.. make sure your son knows you still love him too...

Answer 10

well i am so sorry to hear of your situation however if you can have the boy live else wear and the girls stay with you it would be better. b/c she may feel punished. however if that's the only way to keep her safe then let them go.