Are we wrong with allowing our kids not to go to church?

Question

My husband has two children, ages 12 and 6. Their mother decided to become Mormon a year ago when she secretly remarried (even the kids didn't know!). My husband asked her not to force the kids to go but was ok with it.

Over the summer their mom asked us to take them to church and demanded it be a Mormon church. My husband broke from the church years ago and neither of us are comfortable going. We made arrangements with a very trusted friend to take the kids if they chose to go however they said they feel forced to go and were adamant about not going. We left the decision up to them. Now their mother says we're impeeding their religious growth and that we didn't take them to spite her. My husband and I are all for religion but do not believe it should be forced on anyone, even children. Were we wrong for not taking them even though we don't agree with this church? The kids wouldn't even touch their Bibles all summer which tells me something's wrong!

Thank you to all who answered. It makes me feel my husband and I made the right choice. We're both very spiritual people and share that with all of our kids (we also have a 16 month old between us).

For those of you who feel as a stepparent I should have no say in how our children are raised, I feel for you! The children are so much better off knowing that their father and I are acting together in raising them!

Their mother has refused to allow the children to experiene any other religion and had an absolute fit when we suggested another religions summer Bible camp. There are many other "fights" between the kids' parents so we opted not to force this issue and make the kids suffer more for it.

Sue F... you were not the one who recieved the phone calls from the children from their mothers reception. In their own words they felt betrayed by her. My concern is for the children, not their mother! Take it as catty if you wish but you have not walked in my shoes.

Answer 1

Most parents who FORCE religion on their kids end up with kids who are psychologically unbalanced, resentful, and who will abandon religion in the end just out of spite. I've seen it happen many times.

You and your husband obviously have a more balanced view of what is good for these children than their birth mother. You and your husband want the same general things for them, and he's as much their biological parent as the mom is. When the kids are with the two of you, then YOU two are the responsible people. Encourage your kids to explore their own perceptions of spirituality and God. It shouldn't be a chore for them - it should be something that makes them happy. Consider going WITH them to various churches, maybe a Synagogue, or a Mosque. Go to a spiritualist group with your kids.

My financee's sister doing go to church specifically, but will bring our niece to various groups and let her explore the concepts of faith and religion in her own way. As a result, or niece is a VERY mature girl for her age, and has a very balanced view of religion and faith, and is a VERY moral person who cares about others. If our niece decides she likes a certain religion, my sister-in-law will bring her to that church whenever she wants to go.

When a child has a choice in a matter like this, the child actually CARES about it, instead of just doing it because they were forced to.

Talk to the kids about God. Tell them that God has spoken to people many times throughout history, and different people believe slightly different things. Encourage them to learn more, but don't shove it down their throats. The 12-year old is old enough to begin really being curious on his/her own. The 6-year old might need some guidance. Make it fun.

As for their mom telling you that you HAVE to bring them to church... seriously, tell her to take a reality check. Sending them to a Mormon church might seem like spiritual development to her, but YOU also have a say in their spiritual development, and you can tell her that you've decided that her approach is making the children bitter and angry and more likely to denounce all religion later. The fact that they don't want to even look at their Bibles anymore is proof of that.

Trust your instincts. You're doing the right thing. Just keep reinforcing good morals and ethical behavior at home, and the kids will turn out just fine.

Answer 2

Children should be exposed to religion as part of their learning experience as a child. Once they have attained the age of adulthood, then they can and should make their own choices.

I am hearing a lot of childishness and immaturity coming through in your question with regards to your speaking about your husbands ex.

No matter what manner you have chosen to approach religion in your life, and thus in the lives of these two precious children who are too young to be making the family decisions; you should not be doing things to "spite" their mother.

This type of immaturity will become a large problem in your lives as time goes on. The ultimate decision about your husbands children's religious upbringing is between your husband and the children's mother.

We really had no need to know the catty comment about their mother "secretly" remarrying and deciding to become a member of the Mormon faith, that has nothing to do with the beliefs of the children. Don't for one moment believe that it is a secret and the children don't know...that has never worked since Day One.

The children should be having religious exposure and guidance in their lives now and then they can decide for themselves what they want to follow for religious beliefs. Letting a child make adult decisions will lead to out of control teenagers and adults.

You and your husband need to approach this in a more mature manner, even if you choose to celebrate your religious beliefs sitting on a beach. Include the children, they will appreciate it later on in life.

Answer 3

I ask you this- If their mom had joined a Pagan Coven, might you wish the children to be pressured into going? Of path now not, due to the fact that you believe Pagans are Devil worshipers. I am Pagan and I suppose simply as strongly that your youngsters will have to now not be pressured to visit church. You might do what I do, and dwelling college the children on ALL religions. They gets a temporary evaluation in top college at a few factor, however coming from you is greater. I'd alternatively provide my youngsters the capabilities and allow them to do with it what they are going to.

Answer 4

Why don't you do some soul searching and decide on a church the whole family feels comfortable in and would benefit from? I believe church is a good thing, but not if you are forced to go and feel uncomfortable. Make it a family expedition to go out exploring the different beliefs and options and see what fits your heart! Good luck!!

Answer 5

I always believed what the Christian bible says in Proverbs 22:6, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." Training the child is technically not the same as forcing him, altough other people would look it that way. But having religion is wanting a good and blessed life - something you want to your child. And if you believe in the tenets of "your own religious beliefs" then that's what you're bound to teach your child and not those that you don't know and have not experienced.

Answer 6

The kids can't take themselves to church and pointing a child in the right direction is what all parents need to do. It's like sending or not sending a child to school (including home school) to get an education. Sure you want your kids to get an education. Giving them a religious education by going to church is the best thing for them. If you feel the LDS church is improper (I agree with you) then go to another Christian church...Methodist, Lutheran, Baptist, etc. etc.

Answer 7

I don't see it as forcing any religion on a child, but as raising a child in an atmosphere of faith. Faith is good,. Children who are raised in a church are more likely to stay in a church or religion, even if it's not the one they were raised in. And children who go to church are less likely to do drugs,drink, smoke, etc.

Answer 8

We are Catholic and we have never forced out girls to go to church. We do encourage them but never force. They choose to come with us and enjoy learning about the Bible and the word of God. If one day they came to us and said they didn't want to go to church i would be ok with that because they need to find Him in their own time. We should never force anyone in going to church or believing.

Answer 9

You're not wrong.

Children should not be forced; especially somewhere where they don't feel comfortable. They should be able to decide what path they will take and be comfortable in their religion (or none at all).

I never was forced.

America has freedom of religion to worship as we choose or not to worship at all.

Answer 10

you are totally within your rights to keep the kids out of church. dont worry, you are not neglecting them from anything useful or important. as long as you teach them good core values, then you are doing a good job.