why does everyone think this is so wierd?

Question

okay well i am adopted..i was at about a month old. my birth mom was going to keep me..she did for 2 weeks..but then put me up for adoption because it was too hard.

anyway..people always ask me if i want to meet my mom and i just say not really..i mean i have a great loving family, awesome firends, an amazing boyfriend..just a great life. people seem to think it is so wierd that i dont go out and look for my mom. i love my mom and dad now..whats the big deal? do you think this is wierd?

people are saying i look young..i am 18 if that matters at all.

an di am not curious really..i just wondered if everyone thought it was wierd..it seems everyone that i talk to does. they say things aobut how they would be soooo curious and stuff.

Answer 1

Yes it is weird.

The oldest questions known to humankind are Who am I? Where do I come from? How did I get here?

Would you start reading a book at Chapter 2?

No?

Well if you don't know your real parents, that is like starting your life at chapter two.

I think it was Socrates who said, "The unexamined life is not worth living."

Answer 2

Nope, I don't think it's wierd at all.

What is wierd is that people will sit here and tell you that she "didn't want you" though, after you just said that she at least tried to take care of you, but realized she couldn't. So it's pretty obvious that she did want you, and loved you very much, to want to give you a good life.

So while it's not wierd, I do kind of feel very sad, because I bet she loves and misses you very much. Have you ever met a woman who has given a child up for adoption? My first boyfriend's mom was a "birth" mother, and for over 20 years she cried for her daughter every night.

I don't think many "birth" mothers ever forget about the children they give away or get over it. So I bet your mother is out there, somewhere, thinking about you and missing you.

Okay so maybe my answer is wierd, lol. But your feelings are your feelings, and you are entitled to them, so no, they are not wierd.

Answer 3

I don't think it's werid at all. Just some facts for you. Most searchers (about 80%) are women. Most are motivated by some major life occurrance such as a death in their immediate family, their own marriage, the birth of the first child, and so on. Most are happy with their adotive families and are searching because of curiosity about their medical and other history as well as the motivation of the birth mother. Good luck and keep us apprised of how you're doing! HUGS

Answer 4

Well, seems like you're a bit curious, or else you wouldn't be here, asking what others think...

Just because you love your mom and dad doesn't mean you owe them your life.

Aren't you curious about your ethnicity? About how your ancestors lived? About traits shared by your family? About how & why you came to exsist? There's only one person who can tell you that, and it's not the 'amazing' mom, dad, boyfriend, or other friends.

It's your natural mother.

Why not read some books to start?

The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier
Journey of the Adopted Self or Lost & Found both by
Betty Jean Lifton

I think you're dipping your toe in the water is good, it's healthy.

Good luck.

Answer 5

I think that you're perfectly fine. Everything is in the perspective you take. I think what is horrid is when adoptees feel like they've been cheated. Parents rarely give up children for no good reason - giving up a child is HARD to do. Either the parents weren't really parents in their hearts yet (were abusive or neglectful is what I mean by that) or else they knew they were in a situation where they really REALLY didn't feel like they had a chance to be a good family for their child. I don't think parents are often wrong about that. It may be easy to look back five or ten years or thirty years later and say, "Oh, I felt so pressured. I really COULD have done it if I'd just tried hard enough." However, the truth is that if they didn't feel like they could at the time, the result probably would have been an unhappy one. The news is fully of children whose "parents" should not have kept their kids.

You have a family now. Maybe it's a great one, maybe it isn't. The truth is, even biological families are often not wonderful. I'm my parent's biological child.... but at times I was certain I couldn't be. My parents really never have understood me. I thought that feeling would pass when I grew out of adolecense, but it hasn't. We're just very DIFFERENT kinds of people. My point here is that adoptees sometimes feel like they don't fit, and assume it's because they're adopted. The truth is just that families aren't jigsaw puzzles. All the edges don't always line up nicely. If you have a family and they love you, and they've accepted you, then you have as much right to them as any blood child would. You have their love, and their heritage, and there's no reason to go searching for a piece that isn't even missing in your life.

That being said, it is ok if you eventually get curious about your biological history. The key word here, however, is curious. You might even need more detailed information one day for a medical reason. In a perfect world, all "birth" parents would have to provide complete family medical histories at time of adoption - but that doesn't happen. Anyway, curioustiy about herritage isn't bad. Just remember, that what you're going to get is going to be knowlege. You can get hurt if you start going out and searching for a new "family" only to find then that the biological one really wasn't that much greater than the one you started out with.

Answer 6

Laura,
You are not weird for feeling this way. My mom (an adoptee) did not search out her birth mom until she was in her late 40s. She just never felt the need or compelled to before then. They do have a very nice relationship now.
Neither one of them has any regrets about the adoption.

As others have mentioned the nice thing is you can change your mind and find her later on.

Answer 7

Well what really matters is that you have the choice, so if you do ever decide then you have the opportunity.

Right now, it's absolutely fine to feel that you don't want to meet your birth mother. A lot of people however do need to meet their birth mother or family to stop feeling so lost.

But when people say that it is weird, just say that it's your choice, you might one day but right now, you are just not interested, you are happy with your life.

Answer 8

First off, please ignore Elizabet comment. It's not weird!!! What you are feeling and going through is perfectly normal. You may not have the desire now, but who knows down the road you may have that desire. I felt the same way as you and i changed my mind as i got older. Especially when i wanted to start a family. I wanted to know why she gave me up, because there would be no way i could give up a baby. So don't feel bad, don't think you are wierd. Just keep on going and if you finally do decide to look for your b-mom, it will be on your terms.

Answer 9

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Answer 10

It's not weird. People go through different attitudes. There were times I really wanted to meet my birth mom. Then there were times I didn't think much about it at all. I didn't resolve to search until recently, in my mid-30's.

One thing I had to come to grips with... My searching for my birth mother had nothing to do with my feelings towards my adoptive parents. Searching didn't mean I didn't love them or that I loved them less. (And thankfully, they both realized that.) So whether or not you decide to search at any point, don't think that means you love your mom and dad any less. It doesn't.

I will also say that searching, for me, wasn't about finding some perfect parent (that never exists). It was curiosity about my past, my origins. You may not have that curiosity. That's okay. And one day, if you do develop some questions about that part of your life, you might change you mind. And that's okay too.

Answer 11

I used to think that was weird when I was younger, too - I have two adopted cousins, and I never could understand why they didn’t want to meet their “real parents.” I would ask about it all the time, because I found it really odd that they wouldn't at least be somewhat interested. A typical response from them would be something like "We already know our real parents - they're the ones who are doing the parenting . . . duh!"
Now that we’re all adults (they're ages 36 and 39), nothing has really changed with how either of them feels about this. From their point of view, they've always had a wonderful family, amazing parents, the whole thing. The oldest of the two has never even tried to locate his "DNA donor" (yeah, that's what he calls her). I've asked him why, because I still find it strange that he wouldn't even be curious, but he says it's just not important to him.
My other cousin actually did search hers out a few years ago, because she was curious and wanted some questions answered. After meeting her once she never had any desire to see her again. I'll never forget how she summed up the meeting - she said, "How did I ever come out of THAT woman? She's nothing like my real mom!"
So, even though it may seem weird to some of us who would assume that you'd want to meet your birth mom, how you personally feel about it is ultimately what's important. You should do what you feel is right for you. Like Dawacky L said, "what really matters is that you have the choice." There seem to be plenty of adoptees who, like yourself, just don't have any desire to meet their birth parents.