How do you feel about "birth" mothers who change their minds about relinquishing their babies?

Question

I am trying to understand the feelings of both the mother and the hopeful adoptive parents. I truly understand that the adoptive parents are going to feel devastated, especially if they have waited a long time for a baby. Yet, sometimes they sound really self-centered and selfish with feelings of entitlement to a baby to whom they have no legal claim (albiet there in unquestionably an emotional attachment). I also understand how a woman who is totally comitted to an "adoption plan" can change her mind the moment she lays eyes on her child. Is she a weak-minded woman who should have been able to make up her mind during pregnancy? Did she get caught up in an "adoption plan" not realizing that after giving birth that she would come face to face with her real human baby? Is she a scammer who was just trying to get money?

Carla - please breathe deeply and go back and read the details of the question. I wrote "Yet, SOMETIMES they sound really self-centered and selfish with feelings of entitlement to a baby to whom they have no legal claim ..." Note that I capitalized SOMETIMES. If I were as ignorant as you say I am, I would not have asked the question. I really connected to your feelings - too bad you spoiled that with your "ignorant" comment. I sounded kind of self-centered to me.

Edit to above comment - "IT sounded kind of self-centered to me. I am self-centered about some things but not adoption.

Answer 1

How do I feel about mothers who choose to parent rather than place? Glad that is it in a nutshell. Too many times women who are pregnant and even menition the word adoption are coerced into surrender. (yes, I know what a lot will say about that, but it is the honest truth it happens alot) They are not given the time to really consider after birth and because of that too many surrender when they would not have if given the time to heal and learn how to mother their child. You don't realize the end result is this little person who makes your heart swell and the very thought of anything happening to that child brings you to tears. Adoption before birth is an abhorrent concept, and should never be allowed. There are states with no revocation period, and there are states where it is as little as 24 hours. Sadly even if a mother contests and tries to stop the adoption within the revocation period she most often loses her appeal of the surrender. All those things make me sad. As for scamming, it does not happen as often as people think. I think someone mentioned money being repaid. I wasn't given a dime, I had insurance and paid my own Dr so what should I have paid back? For the attorney fees and the agencies salaries? Yeah I didn't think so either..

Answer 2

I honestly feel bad for the parents who were planning on adopting the child. To be so close and then pulled away so far must be overwhelming and heartbreaking. But I also feel that the birth mother often has many outside sources pushing and pulling her in every which way to make the decision of adoption. By the time she sees her baby for the first time it just becomes her and the child and THAT's when the decision is all hers. I can completely understand how that love and connection outweighs any paperwork or past pressures from outside sources. If the mother is a drug addict, jail bird, etc I of course no doubt feel even worse for the adoptive parents but 10 times worse for that little baby who will grow up in turmoil. I think that these "druggie" cases however are few and far between though and ultimatley it will always be the birth mothers choice. I cannot imagine what a tough world it is out there for parents looking to adopt.

Answer 3

I understand the feelings of both the birth parents and the potential adoptive parents. Assuming the birth mother did not run a scam and never had any intention of adoption as a possibility for her baby (and lets assume that because most do not change their mind maliciously - in fact many probably feel pressured to go through with an adoption because of the adoptive parents feelings), it is absolutely understandable that a birthmother would change her mind and she has every right to do so without guilt about the adoptive parents feelings. That being said, it truly is heartbreaking for adoptive parents and when they are going through grief you can see how it would be hard to concentrate on the feelings of the birthmother. Everyone says that adoptive parnents have to go into it accepting the possibility that the birthmother might change her mind, but it is impossible not to feel the loss when it happens.

Answer 4

There are probably a lot of people out there who won't like what I have to say, but Oh well.
I think that any mother who is contemplating adoption should not make the decision until after the baby is born, and she has given herself enough time to play "mother" so to speak, and to let all of her hormones to die down, which will take time. If she was to make the decision too fast without taking time to think about what she is really doing, she could very well make the biggest mistake of her life.
No way are they scammers. It's more a case of wow, I forgot that there was going to be a baby at the end of all this. I know thats how I thought. Until that baby is born, it's all just talk and paperwork, and then when that baby is finally born, she finally realizes that this little bundle that she is holding, and falling in love with, is what this is all about.
No one should ever try and bully any parent into trying to adopt out their child. That child is the mothers until she signs those papers, and even then, that child is still here's in her heart.

Answer 5

I only speak from "age"..So, it is merely an opinion.
It would seem incomprensable for one to think another may not have "second" thoughts about giving up their child when baby finally comes into the world, don't you think?
Think of it, the baby is here! Real, dependant, fragile, would not our every instints dictate, protect, nuture? Feelings i do not think surface, until that moment one lays there eyes, upon this small miracle. If the mother was deciding early on, to adopt out, it could have been for many reasons, peer pressure, insecurities, finances, dynamics of her family situation..At the time the decision was made, i would think in was made in good faith, either for what was best for baby, themselves or both.Maybe at time of birth, situations changed and mother is more able to cope, then at time she made decision? I am sure there may be some, who for whatever reason, are thoughtless, selfish and ruthless, and try to manipluate to gain financially, but i would think it would be few in comparison.
Yes, how agonizing it must be for the adoptive parents, to have what they thought was going to be their child, snatched away by the birth mother. Yet, this having happened many times, as i read in news, why do these parents consider it a done deal? I beleive history dictates otherwise? I don't even think there should be the ability to adopt, before a child is born, because of these heart breaking stories. I feel, however, if child is born, and mom is still wanting to adopt, then, it should be a solid adoption and she should not be allowed to break that, short of proving cohersement or the like..

Answer 6

I think they are the bravest most courageous women on earth! You'd have to be to stand up to the coercive nature of adoption today.

Yup, strong, brave and courageous loving mothers who knows what is best for her child despite people with agendas attempting to persuade her to go against her natural instincts

Here's a message from one of those mothers, whom I admire greatly:

http://www.girl-mom.com/node/34

Answer 7

Until she has signed the termination paperwork that's her right.
I think it should be illegal for any money to change hands between the expectant mother and the adoptive parents, this will hopefully stop the scammers and reduce the possibility of coercion.

Answer 8

I would hope that the majority of the birth mothers who change their minds are genuine, caring mothers, whose maternal instinct will not allow them to relinquish when the time comes. Not some money hungry monster going around and scamming people. ( I know this does happen, but it is the minority,not the majority).

As an adoptive mother, if this happened, I would be totally devastated, unless you have walked in my shoes "you will not understand" how I feel. To be labled as "selfish" is ignorant of you..........NOT at all how we feel. Most adoptive mothers have struggled with infertility all of their adult lives. Most of us have miscarried several babies. Most of us have gone through IUI's, chlomid, IVF, been poked, prodded, suffered emotional highs and lows that are unexplainable unless you have gone through it. SO, the disappointment we feel when a birth mother does not choose us or changes her mind is not from a sense of entitlement..............It is another loss, or another "blow" that knocks us down again from fulfilling our true dream of......................JUST BECOMING A PARENT.

Answer 9

I really don't think it's fair for anyone to blame a "birth" mother for changing her mind. If that’s what she wants to do, then so be it. I seriously doubt she’s a “scammer,” just someone who is probably very scared and confused, and feeling a lot of pressure from a lot of people to make a very difficult decision. But I would very much hope that the decision would be made sooner rather than later. When a child’s well-being hangs in the balance, someone needs to step up and take responsibility for raising him or her. That child needs a family, and deserves a family that actually wants them, not someone who is going to play with their baby like a brand new yo-yo.

I’m sorry if that part comes off as harsh, but “Do I want to be a parent? Maybe, maybe not, yes I do, no I don’t, yes I do, no I don’t, wait - now that it’s here I guess I actually do” is just not acceptable when a child is depending on someone to be there.

Parenting is about caring for the child. Period. The very idea that a soon-to-be mommy might already be saying “wow, I forgot that there was going to be a baby at the end of all this,” doesn’t bode well.
You can’t just “forget” about your child because he or she isn’t right in front of you at the moment.

Answer 10

I'll start off by saying I am an Adoptee.

There is no easy way to give up your child. It's as simple as that. In my birth plan, my birthmother wrote that she did not want to be left alone with me. Why? Because she was afraid of that strong rush of maternal affection that comes when you hold your baby, look at her little hands and feet, see your chin on her face and your fathers eyes...it is very very difficult. Does it make her weak? No. It makes her a mother.

My adoptive parents jumped through a lot of hoops to get me. They met with a lot of couples and had a few options. Important to keep in mind, there are always more babies who need homes. I'm sure the adoptive parents would feel disappointed, but they almost always have other options.

My adoptive parents specifically closed my adoption records because my mother was 15, and unable to enter into a legally binding agreement, which is what an adoption is. They did not want to take the risk that she would want me back. So they closed the adoption and did not give me any information other than her name until I turned 18.

So, in conclusion, no, not a weak-minded woman, and no, not devastated adoptive parents, just disappointed.