What to do about a 25 yr. old youth leader that flirts with church minors?

Question

There is a very nice 25 yr. old church youth leader that is attracted to young girls. His last gf was 15. Her parents were ok with them dating, and the whole church didn't bat an eyelash about the happy couple. They broke up and now he is flirting with other young girls. Since he is a christian I am pretty sure there is no sex involved, that is what he told everyone. His father is 10 yrs. older than his mother so he was raised to think the man should be much older than the wife. Everyone in the church turns a blind eye to this. The whole church loves him very much and would never consider him a pervert. He keeps getting older and the girls he chases keeps getting younger. It doesn't help that these young girls flirt shamelessly with him and throw themselves at him. I don't want to cause trouble and if I went to the pastor or church board I know that they would get mad at me and think I have a dirty mind. This isn't my church, but my children attend. Any advice?

My two children that attend are a 20 yr. old daughter that helps with the youth, & 8 yr. old son. My son is never alone with this man & he is only flirting with the girls. I do know for a fact that he was dating the 15 yr. old girl, in fact the whole church knew. They would attend church functions together as a couple. He did approach her parents first before he dated her and got their blessing. I know all this because my daughter asked him a lot of questions out of concern for the girl. He swore no sexual contact was involved. We do live in a very small town and this probably has much to do with the church not being concernced with this. Now that they are broken up he is looking for a new girlfriend within the youth group. I don't understand why no one else sees this as a problem. A grown man that is supposed to be ministering to children should not be behaving this way.

Answer 1

The safety of your kids is paramount. Get them out of there. Don't let them attend the church. There are plenty of other churches where the youth pastor doesn't date minors.

If you report him to the head pastor make sure you have specific items of behavior to back your accusations. And don't do it anonymously. Pastors know that anonymous mail often contains wild and untrue accusations. As such, many pastors toss out anonymous mail without even reading it.

Answer 2

The 15-year old girl's parents were naive - there may have been no sex, but the opportunity was there. A ten-year age difference is okay when one is 35 and the other 25, but not when one is adult and the other underage. You don't say why they broke up.
It is good for the youth leader(s) to be youthful, too - so the youth group can identify with the leader(s). But in this case, the leader should be admonished to control the flirting, or be replaced by a young couple to lead the group. He has a powerful advantage-- the young girls are flattered that he is 'interested' in them for whatever reason, and lack the maturity to push him away if he comes on too strongly.
The church is playing with fire, and may not realize it. They could be involved in a paternity suit later, sued for damages for not avoiding the situation. Catholic churches are being sued for millions now over situations where priests molested young boys.
A young girl could have her life ruined if a situation like this got out of hand.

Answer 3

this is not right- a youth leader, you say- attracted to the young girls that he is ministering too- this should not be. How do your children feel- are they young girls. Even if no sex is involved the youth leader has a responsibility here- A Senior Pastor that would allow a youth leader to act like this at all would be wrong- you need to go to that pastor and tell him how you feel, and since you feel uncomfortable you need to pull your children out of that church now- before a real scandal comes about. How could a church elder board and pastor be upset that mother is concerned about a 25 yr old leader flirting with 15 year old girls. My advice, take your children and run.- and speak up!!!

Answer 4

I hope you are absolutely sure that this person is "Dating" these girls and not just mentoring them. This man should keep a professional relationship with the people who study under him. I think dating in that situation is wrong. Be absolutely sure you have proof of inappropriate behavior before you ruin this mans life and everyone elses life involved.
To be safe however, I would remove your own children immediately. Then I would probably talk to the parents of the young girl first. See what they have to say about the relationship. If it seemed to be sexual in nature, I would recommend talking with the Pastor of the church and expressing concern. If there is no evidence of wrong doing, just take your children and walk away. If you have strong evidence something inappropriate has been going on then please talk to the authorities. If this girls parents truly allowed their daughter to date this man, you will have a tough time convincing a Prosecutor to take on the case. It will be everyone against you and the odds are not favorable for a successful prosecution. God Bless You...Peace.

Answer 5

I'd take your children out of it immediately. Who knows what this guy is *really* doing that everyone else is oblivious to?

Otherwise, it's his business, and if the parent's don't mind then there is nothing you can do if the church is okay with it. I don't see a problem with age difference...though with such young kids I'd monitor it and I'd really worry that he's a molester using the excuse of "I'm a Christian" to get close to kids. Maybe you should talk to the other parents and aske them why they let their daughters of 15 date a much older man that might have an agenda. If the church doesn't care, hopefully the parents will love their kids enough to worry!

Answer 6

If that was a 25 year old school teacher dating a student, no one would be turning a blind eye. That's just totally innappropriate since no one knows where it will lead. I would bring up your concerns with the pastor, church board or whatever you have, and if it's not resolved, definitely don't let your own kids be a part of his group. Possibly even work on finding a new church.

Answer 7

Church is not a place to act out any sort of infantile fantasies one may have about the opposite sex that have lingered over from adolesence or early adulthood. Your youth leader is 25 years old and has had plenty of time to mentally develop a sense of what is right and wrong. In addition to his age, I can conclude that since he is a youth leader he has spent many years at this church or another in which case he has been exposed to the teachings of Christ. This being so, his idea of right and wrong should be firmly cemented in his psyche by now.

Why do I say all of that? Because it is obvious that he does not have any sense of right and wrong. His influence over these young girls is damaging both to his psyche and theirs. Being so young, these girls are still far from being fully developed mentally and most likely physically. Tossing the argument of him having sexual relations with them out the window for the time being, his relationships with these girls are detrimental to both parties involved and your church's community.

We have to remember that there are two sets of laws that govern our lives. There is the Word of God, which is the Supreme Law in the lives of Christians. Then there is the Law of the Land, this land being the United States of America. So long as it does not go against the Word of God, we are called upon by the Apostles to obey the Laws of our Land in order to model for others the teachings of Christ.

Your youth leader is not only violating the laws of almost all the states in America, he is also violating the Supreme and Immutably Good Law of God. You have a right (Law of the Land) and obligation (Law of God) to intervene and put an end to this type of behavior. It is in the interest of the salvation of the soul that all parties involved be brought to justice. These girls will be able to seek counseling. The youth leader will be able to receive psychiatric help for his disorder. And you will be able to clear this issue from your conscience so that you may more faithfully serve God, Jesus Christ our Lord, and the Holy Ghost. Not to mention all parties will be able to seek God's forgiveness through confession, reconciliation, and penance. God bless you.

Answer 8

I understand your concern. There is def. a problem. Although there may be no sex, at least we hope not, there is no place for this type of behavior in the Lord's house. Perhaps your pastor should have a word with this young man and ask him to refrain from such behavior within the church. Parents should also beware. Young girls are vulnerable at this age and the enemy is always looking to destroy the Lord's children

Answer 9

This question is SO outrageous that I almost question it's authenticity. With that said, I agree with every other poster who said "Take your kids out of that church"! A 15 girl whose parents are okay with her dating the 25 year old youth group leader? Are you kidding me? What, is this a Branch Davidian church or something? Go with your gut.

Answer 10

Get your kids out of there, fast. And take a look at the Abuse Tracker site.

This guy is in the perfect situation for pederasty (not pedophila). He is attracted to young, sexually mature girls.