Am I being unfair to my stepson?

Question

My husband and I have 4 boys, 2 are mine and 2 are his. For Christmas they all want a Nintendo DS. The problem is that his oldest son is failing 2 subjects in school (he is repeating the 4th grade). I instructed him to start bringing home his books from both subjects and to review the chapters they are studying that week every night. 2 weeks ago he brought home a progress report and he is STILL failing those classes. I told him then that if he brings his report card home on Nov 15th with ANY failing grades he could forget about getting a DS. Today he brings home a test from one of the subjects and he just blew it. He made a D (failing as far as we're concerned). I asked him where his books were and he said one was on the table and the other was in his book bag. I told him to go study and when I wanted to review the chapters with him I find out he lied about bringing both books home. At this point I'm ready to say forget it to the DS and not even worry about it. Am I being unfair?

There is a lot more to the story than I could possibly fit in but to answer some of the "you didn't say" His dad and I do talk about punishments but since my husband works on an oil rig and works 16 hours a day I pretty much have to take the bull by the horns on this matter.

And yes I do help him on his homework but I don't know what he is or isn't understanding unless he tells me. He knows that I am here all the time and will help him when he needs it but, as I have told him, I will not give him the answers or do the work for him. That would be cheating him out of an education which is way worse than not giving him a DS.

and yes, I am taking him Friday to get tested so I have thought of that. As far as learning disability goes, I can't see how a child that can tell you every Pokemon name, stat and what they evolved from could have one. But we'll see.

Good grades was a condition for ALL the boys, not just the one. We all sat down and agreed on this (My husband and the 4 boys). It was meant to be a reward for hard work not a punishment for not being as smart as the others.

WI MOM: We are a complete family and I never said anything about yelling. Maybe you missed the part about the fact he is REPEATING the 4th grade. Am I supposed to sit by and let him continue to fail? NO! If my husbands ex-wife had been more concerned about her kids and less concerned about going out cheating and spending his money on her boyfriends we might not be having the problems we are having now. If you don't like step parents keep it to yourself, I push all my kids because I want them to succeed. Call me in 30 years and let me know how well your kids turn out after you let them run all over you.

Answer 1

i say stick to your guns..if you dont then next time he is gonna know mom will eventually give in and give him what he wants no matter what

Answer 2

You sound like a very caring stepmom. All adults deserve to be respected and this is your home your stepson lives in so I believe you should have the authority to uphold the rules in yours and your husbands home.
As far as testing. My very good friend has a son with severe autism and can name every dinasour there ever was and particular details about each one of them yet he cannot read or write. I have a son that has alot of trouble in certain areas of education like reading and writing but is a math whiz. He can solve some pretty hard problems in the gifted and talented math in seconds without doing the work but struggles writing a story or comprehending what he is reading.
As far as the DS...it is Christmas. I don't think a kid should be punished with their christmas presents. My parents did it to me once as a child and I will never forget that horrible feeling I had that year. The DS could be a good thing...if he is being lazy and doing horribly in school and it isnt a learning disability then the DS could be an incentive. Something to take away if you know what I mean. From what you said about his mom you may want to maybe get counseling for him. His mom being the way she is may be a result of his lack of interest in school and rebellion. Keep up what you are doing. Talk to the teachers. Maybe losing recess or staying afterschool could also have an affect on him.

Answer 3

First, don't read this & think I'm criticizing you. Parenting is tough...and parenting a child with special needs is doubly tough. I know this on a very personal level.

Kids don't want to fail. An evaluation is a good start.
How you handle the DS issue is, of course, up to you and your spouse. However, failing in school can really bring a kid down. If rewarding him with material things is all it takes for him to succeed, you would have already considered it, right?
Chances are big that he wants to do well...but he's pretty sure that the DS isn't in the cards. He's lying because he knows he's blown it and feels that he nothing left to lose..which is kinda true. The lie just puts off what he knows will be more unpleasantness. If he could avoid this by "getting it together"
academically, he would have done it before now. Don't feel sorry for him but try to see it from his point of view.
He'll be the only boy in the house that doesn't have one. Why?
Because he's stupid. (Which is not true...but it's how he will feel.)
I think that tying material rewards to grades is a poor idea when you already know he's struggling.
He's not really on an even playing field with the other boys in this regard...so a blanket rule doesn't fit.

After the school does testing, push for an IEP or 504 ...which are legal documents providing services and support, adaptations and modifications through the school system to help your boy succeed. Here's a link with information for parents:
http://www.wrightslaw.com/info/tests.evals.crabtree.htm

Good luck & hang in there!

Answer 4

Maybe you should approach this from another angle. Make sure your (step) son realizes that he will be rewarded with a DS rather than punished, i.e. good grades equal rewards verses bad grades equal punishment.

A great way to keep kids this age on track is to put together a system for organization. He should have at the very least a binder with dividers -- at best an accordian folder -- and daily or weekly rewards. Make a chart on a large poster board so you both have a quick visual of what's due and what he's completed (idea: mark completed items with a star and reward based on the number of stars).

As the stepmom, you're in a tough role for punishment. Try to keep things on the upswing with rewarding for good behavior. And as far as that DS goes, I'm not sure Santa should punish (or mom and dad on Christmas). Maybe introduce a new proposal: Let him know that you don't want to punish him, you just want to help. Maybe give him an opportunity to correct the situation with a new system (and lots of attention) in place.

Try to empathize and understand why he's not getting the work done. Don't forget how much anger and hurt he'll feel as the odd man out on Christmas morning.

And not to be overlooked: Once your son has the DS, it will make for a wonderful incentive to get homework done (think: no DS until all of your work is done this afternoon).

Best of luck.

Answer 5

You are doing the right thing. Maybe he needs more support from you though...even though he doesn't want to admit it.

Study with him every night...have ALL of the kids sit at the table and do their homework while you are working with him so he doesn't feel completely singled out....How old is he? If he is going to act irresponsibly then you need to take control of whatever he is not taking serious. You don't have to do his homework for him...but you need to sit there while he does it so you know it gets done. While he is reviewing chapters you can catch up on a good book you are reading. And if he needs any help you'll be right there. Just a suggestion. You know your child better than me...so you will know what works.

I say you're doing the right thing though.

Answer 6

"I can't see how a child that can tell you every Pokemon name, stat and what they evolved from could have one. But we'll see." There is the problem right there. It is OBVIOUS that television/game time has never been limited or supervised in the home. (I'm thinking there are televisions in the bedrooms as well). You haven't given him the tools with which to study effectively and yet you want to blame HIM for it. He is a child not an adult yet you made HIM responsible for supervising his televsion fare and now want to punish him because he made the choices a child WOULD make. You're "barking up the wrong tree". Yes you ARE being unfair. Where were you when he was spending countless hours watching Pokemon? Why weren't you sitting down with him going over his studies? It's not the child who has failed here...whats YOUR excuse?

Answer 7

In one of your extra info posts, you said you didn't see how a learning disability could be possible when he knows all The pokemon...

MANY children with LD's have strong areas (all children do). You didn't say which subjects he was failing. For example, if a child is doing amazing in math, but failing every other subject, he may be a concrete learner. 2+2=4. It's that easy. When it comes to social studies, and english, you get into why questions where the answers could vary. He could be lacking with his reading comprehension.

It sounds like he's having a hard time, and doesn't know HOW to study. You and his teacher need to figure out how he learns best. Does he need everything written? Does he need reading help? Is he dyslexic? Autistic? Bored? Does he get into fights? Does he get A's and B's in one area and bomb in others? Maybe he didn't lie, but realized he forgot and didn't want to get in trouble.

You said you were, but make sure his evaluation looks at every area of learning. Also have the school do an educational eval.

Answer 8

Yes and no. You need to stick with your word but until the very end of your story do you say anything about working with him. That should have been the first step once you started getting worried. You need to find out why he is failing. It may not be that he isn't studying, it may be because he can't study (disability, dyslexia, etc.) Work with him to bring the grade up or find someone to help him. Instead of "forget the DS" make it, "you can have it when you gets your grades up and they stay up." Good luck.

Answer 9

Have him evaluated by the board of education. He is, after all,repeating the 4th grade and this should come easier to him the second time around. Do you think he is taking his parents seperation hard? Maybe he has emotional issues that need attention. How does he interact with you? With the other boys??? Speak to the teachers and see how he is in class. Does he participate, does he ask questions? He needs a lot of encouragement!

Answer 10

Always remember, your child doesn't need a DS. Your child is failing, period. Everything after that doesn't matter. Find out why, then solve the problem.
I truly believe your child is smart and is cheating you, he probably thinks that in the end you will end up buying the DS, no matter what his grades are.
Well I say, cut him off. Games, TV etc. Stop everything until his grades come up, or you find out whats disabling (if there is anything at all)
It might be harsh, but you can't be nice all the time. Studies are very important, I'm pretty sure a DS isn't.

Answer 11

Albert Einstein had a learning disability, I am sure as a scientist he had to know the entire table of elements. Which is way more difficult to remember than Pokemon. LOL
I would hold off on your decision till you know if he has a diagnosis. One thing about kids w/ learning disabilities; often times they are constantly told they are not trying hard enough, they are stupid, and compared to others. Self esteem is a HUGE issue. So please, till you know for sure lay off him a bit. Still expect him to do his work, but try to be patient.
Lisa

Do not pay any attention to WI mom. She seems to have some sort of personality disorder. Click on this and you will see, she treats people poorly. Don't let her bug you.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AtRYjB8hUsudYfUdgais67Xsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071105092458AAR14Tp&show=7#profile-info-NMgHkrs3aa

See what I mean? Crazy for Cocoa Cocoa Puffs