its my little boys birthday tomorrow,he would have been 5?

Question

he died at 36 weeks on halloween,i gave birth to him on the 6th november and upto now have coped really well.i moved to south wales from yorkshire and feel really isolated from family and friends.
the question is,what can i do to cope on what is a "really bad day for me"?...hubby does'nt say much so cant ask him for any support

sorry i meant to say he died at 36 weeks gestation...he was stillborn

Answer 1

I really feel for you, my son died on Christmas day, aged 5 months from a cot death. He would of been 27. You never ever forget but time is a great healer as each year passes its easier to cope with. I always buy something as a present to him, I have an area in the garden which we call Jonathan's garden so over the years we have bought plants and a water feature. So when I am feeling down I am able to go and sit there and I feel closer to him. My thoughts are with you.

Answer 2

I am so sorry for your loss... I wish that I could tell you that in time, the pain goes away... but it doesn't. Time does help... but unfortunately the pain will always be there. I really wish that there was something I could say to you that will make a difference... However I know all too well what it's like to lose a child. It's not as easy to get over it as other people may think. It's been almost 12 years for me... and I still miss him every day. His birthday just passed a month ago, and his death anniversary is coming up next month. And even though it's been that long, these days for me are the hardest.

I find it helpful to write to him, I write poems to him, or just letters sometimes. Perhaps you'd want to look into joining a support group. Seeing a therapist. There's tons of things that you can do, not to forget it, or get over it, because that will never happen... but to help you in your grief. Men are wired differently, and that's probably why your husband doesn't say much, but I'm sure you both would benefit from finding a way to let out all of your feelings about this.

My thoughts and prayers are with you... may you find the venue best fitted for you to express your sadness, pain, anger, frustration and all of the feelings I'm all too familiar with. If you can't find anything, and would like a friendly ear... Look me up! I'd be willing to just listen if you think it would help you.

Blessed be...

~ Nessa ~

Answer 3

Perhaps, give your close friend or family member a call and chat for hours... talk about anything... talk about your feelings even. I think talking will definitely help you cope somewhat... If money isn't an object, perhaps buy a train/cheap flight ticket to go visit your friends/family for a day or two tomorrow... Do nice things on the trip. Distraction strategies can help... How about making a "date" with your husband to have a day or night out tomorrow at the movies, with a nice dinner?? Lastly, if you feel you've been coping really well and can handle it, pay a visit to your son's grave tomorrow and give it a clean, put in fresh flowers, and spend a little time there perhaps "communicating" your thoughts of love to him and wishing him well wherever he may be now... You and him may live in different worlds now but you know, he would hate to see you sad because of him... he would want you to be happy. I feel sorry for youyour situation, really do! (After all, my husband is also someone who doesn't say much and I know how its like with a hubby like that... they aren't very good people to have around if you feel like working/talking through your feelings and emotions and that kind of stuff.)
I think the feelings about your son will never go away, and it would be futile to hope you will stop missing him or remembering the times you've shared with him. What you can really aim for, positively, is to accept that he has gone on to other places, and treasure the good times you've had with him because they are special and you were blessed enough to have had him with you for such and such a time... and that all these have made you emotionally more mature as a person.
I wish you all the best :)

Answer 4

Maybe if you talk to your "hubby" you might find out he's going through the same thing. You should be supporting each other!! There's plenty of organisations out there for people going through your trauma it must be a real ***** living in Wales. You could always move back to Yorkshire the people are so much friendlier there !!
About the other thing do what you did last year

Answer 5

I'm so sorry hun, I can't imagine losing my daughter, it must be the worst thing to ever go through. I lost my dad 7 years ago and thought I would never get over the grief, I will never ever forget but it does get easier over time, last year was the first year i didn't travel 150 miles to put flowers on his grave at Christmas as I realised that he would want me to spend time with my family and not in the car. Can I suggest you speak to your doctor about local support groups, it's easier to talk to someone who has been through the same thing as you never feel like you shouldn't be talking about it as you should be over it by now which is kind of how you feel talking about it with those close to you sometimes, and your husband just doesn't know how to make you feel better that's all. Good luck hun, I promise you, grief does ease.

Answer 6

I just came a friend's funeral. I have never even been on this part of Answers before, so it is unusual for me to have even seen this section, let alone seeing your post. The pastor at the funeral said he was reminded of this story, and I will try to paraphrase it. A little boy went to his mother and asked "Mama, what does it feel like to die?". The mother had no idea how to answer the question, so she went into the next room and prayed to God for wisdom on how to answer such a question so that her child could understand. She came back into the room where her child was and said, "Remember sometimes at the end of a long day, and you have played so hard and had such a big day that you sometimes lay down in the floor and go to sleep in front of the T.V.? But the cold hard floor is not where you slept that night, because your father came to you and swept you up in his strong arms without awakening you and delivered you into your own bed, safe, warm, and sound. In the bed you were meant to sleep in..." So think about that story. In the blink of an eye, your son will be back in your arms some day, but for right now, he is slumbering in his own bed. That's what I take from that. I believe that this story is from Peter Marshall. Hold your head up. Know that people who are a world away who don't know you are thinking of you and praying for you.

Answer 7

Hi I am sorry that this is a really sad time for you I do understand as I lost twins at 5 months and for a long time after I was feeling them move .(or so i thought)
It takes time and a good friend / or a very close family member that you can talk to or cry to /with .I don't want to get morbid but its not long ago that my nephew was killed in an accident my sister and I still cry about it and it dose her good as her husband wont talk about him (its not normally a man thing to talk about feelings ).you will learn to cope with it and you can use what has happened to you to help and comfort other women .you have been there and understand .be positive

Answer 8

First of all, let me tell you how sorry I am for you loss. I understand what a difficult time this is for you. Reach out to your family, minister etc., for support.
I think one of the things that helps is having a ritual. Something you do every year to recognize your loss. Whether that is taking flowers to the grave, if there is one. Lighting a candle and saying a prayer or reading a poem or something else that is important to you. Perhaps even just a day of pampering for yourself.
Good Luck and God bless.

Answer 9

I don't know if you own property or rent, but when I miscarried my midwife suggested to my husband and me that we plant a tree in memory of our child. If you don't have the ground to plant a tree on consider making a donation to the local playground of either a tree or some kind of item they could use, or a donation to a local children's organization (the library or even unicef, or another children's organization) in memory of your son. There is no way that this will be a good day for you no matter what you do but if you keep yourself busy it will help you make it thru the day. Donate your time to the library or animal shelter or nursing home, ask an elderly neighbor if they need help cleaning their home or doing yard work or doing errands - you will feel better knowing you helped someone else in need even in your time of sorrow. Good luck to you and God Bless.

Answer 10

Dear Piggy,
My heart goes out to you.
I think that it wouldn't be a good idea to be alone or stay indoors by yourself.
You need to celebrate his memory, not make it a sad time.
What little boy or girl would have liked to have a sad birthday? None!
So, why not do something nice, maybe pamper yourself;
First of all, wear something nice and if you can't have a party for him, see if there's any chance you can help others have a nice day.
Voluntary work.
Just keep busy and remember, on a birthday, nobody is sad, certainly not the little angel.
Please, look at it this way. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx