i'm 21. i hav a bf for year and a half and we have a 3 month old baby together. i love him a whole lot but i think i'm still in love with my ex. i think of him alot. he was my 1st love. i really dont want to get married to my bf because i think that me and my ex will get back together some day. i still have contact with him and he says he still loves me. he never did me wrong and i was stupid for leaving him and now i'm kinda stuck in my situation especially because i hav a daughter now. i love my bf because i know he loves me, he's a wonderful dad and a hard worker and my family loves him but i miss my ex when my bf doesnt show much affection towards me. i tell him how i feel but he will never change. he's just not that type of guy to be all lovy-dovy. my ex was. he always made me feel beautiful and very loved but nobody in my family liked him..they thought he was a good for nothing and not good enough for me so i gave in. what should i do?
2007-11-05 05:04:17 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
the thought if leaving my bf breaks my heart because i know i will hurt him. should i keep trying to make things better for a couple yrs with my bf for the sake of our baby? should i go bak with my ex and just ignore the fact that my family doesn't aprove of him? i really don't know what to do. i just dont want to hurt anybody. should i just be more selfish and think about what makes ME happy instead of caring so much about everyone else?
2007-11-05 05:09:39 · update #1
First of all, if you don't want to marry your current boyfriend, then don't. Because there's nothing about that situation that will end good.
Second, there had to have been a reason for you leaving your ex. Just because your current situation may not be as good as the last one, doesn't mean the last one was all that good. People have a tendancy to forget huge horrible aspects of past relationships in retrospect... think long and hard about that before you do anything.
Third, don't ever think you are stuck there because of your daughter. You will never be happy if you stay for her, and you'll probably end up hating your now boyfriend in the end and arguing constantly and such things... and having 2 seperate happy parents would be way better than two together pissed off unhappy parents.
Forth, you say you love your boyfriend because he loves you. There so much more to love, how can you say thats why you love him? He deserves much much much better than that.... if he is in fact as good to you as you say. As far as affection, if you only love him when he is affectionate, then again, I say you don't really love him.
Lastly, rather than degrade your family for looking down on your ex, maybe you should consider why they felt that way. You family loves you unconditionally and only wants the best for you, and they have a the upper hand on you, cause they see the situation from the outside. They see what love blinds you from. If they say he's no good for you and he's good for nothing, they are probably right. Just take a minute to see things from their perspective.
So, basically, in my opinion, you should let your current boyfriend go, and NOT get back with your ex. Find someone new, or be single. There are millions of men out there, and I promise there's a great one for you, you just have to be patient.
I hope some of this helped, and if any of it makes you mad, I am sorry... I only tell the truth.... if it really makes you mad, then it's probably because you know its true and you don't wanna accept it.
2007-11-05 05:28:02 · answer #1 · answered by hanginonyoureveryword 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
HMMM...todays "cart before the horse" courtship causes much trouble and confusion.
Formerly, people got to know each other BEFORE they started families and GOT MARRIED only if very serious OR if slightly pregnant...
Called getting married after the pregnancy began,"doing the right thing." Added benefit was that they didn't have to change the baby's name AND the baby had a true blue real family.
Nowadays many are "hooking up", being on the pill for caution, and occasionally getting married, sometimes after many years of intimacy!!!
Guys see no rush to the altar since they are having a lot of fun...you could even say that the incentive (married intimacy of having much more than a friend you might get tired of and dump someday.
There is no easy solution...since you have a child, why not love the father with all your heart? You already love him 50/50 or 90/10 or?
Ladies love outlaws and especially an unapproved one. So that was a big factor apparently. Perhaps if YOU were the lovy-dovy one...the guy you chose to father your child would "warm up"? Guys like to be subtily and slowly enticed...makes them feel wanted and desirable...like the old "Boss " song...can't start a fire without a spark! Springsteen knew what being tired does to a labido...
2007-11-05 05:23:55 · answer #2 · answered by uncle_derk 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off, why did you and the ex break up in the first place?? Second, you say you love your ex so much but why in the heck did you let your family's feelings and comments about your ex affect you???! I love a guy that's all lovy dovy lol, you should've stayed with him. But at the same time you have a baby by the current guy, and I suggest you to not think about your ex.
Stay focus on the present and not the past!! Good luck.
Ps. does the ex know about the new guy and the baby?
2007-11-05 05:08:50 · answer #3 · answered by Tia08 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are too young to be in love. What you feel love is now could either be a funny story for you years down the line or one that you regret all throughout your life if you act on it.
Give it some time.
I feel sorry for you, your BF and your daughter especially.
You have done a wrong thing by bringing another innoent life into this world when you yourself dont know what to make of it.
None of our counselling is going to be of any help to you.
You would anyways go ahead and do what you feel think is right.
All I can say is please concentrate on having a steady career and economic independance and good sense to protect and take care of your girl come what may.
Love life will never run away. You would always get time for that later.
Get a career.
2007-11-05 05:16:51 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi OvertheRainbow,
You need to grow up a little more and realize that neither of the two are your true love for life.
The first one is gone, and the second one isn't that wonderful.
If you can see this, then you're a step ahead.
The next step is to pray about this every day and listen in your heart what is the best and right thing to do? You have a child now, and this child needs stability, love and care. The child does not need a mother who is so self centered that she makes bad decisions about boyfriends and exboyfriends, but she needs a mom who is willing to learn to grow up and to seek WISDOM.
Do not rush into anything; a mature person makes decisions based upon their wisdom in knowing what is really right to do, but an immature person makes their decisions based upon their emotions and so some percentage of the time they make foolish decisions and mistakes.
It would seem wisdom was offered to you about the first guy, but did you know your own inner spirit is who witnesses to you what the truth is? If you listen in your heart, with all your heart and mind and soul, then you'll know when you feel "this is the way, walk therein"... and when you know in your soul, give it over to God to help you make your way through life better, more maturely, and with more stability, not just for yourself, but just as importantly and unconditianlly unselfishly for your baby.
2007-11-05 05:13:37 · answer #5 · answered by Holly Carmichael 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You always want what you don't have...
What were your PERSONAL reasons for actually breaking off with the first boyfriend, no not the family's convenient excuse...why did YOU break it off with him. If it was because you didn't want to be on the bad side of your family, then you were simply too immature to take a stand. Too bad. Although, if they were right, you lucked-out, but that becomes a matter of doing the right thing for all the wrong reasons.
Until you are able to make a choice on your own, for youself, and defend it if necessary, you will never truely "grow-up," and will never be happy with your life. And, you will be a second-rate mother at best. It doesn't matter how well you love and treat your baby. If you can't be a strong person in your own right, you will train your daughter to become dependant on others in her life to define her life for her.
Now, I have a question for you...if you hand no desire to marry him, why were you engaging in unprotected sex with him? Before you did that, you should have been able to answer one simple question with a "Yes"... That question is "Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person?" Why? because unprotected sex leads to the situation you find youself in now...Stuck with Mr "Not-Quite-Right", and regretting the loss of what could be.
What should you do?
Sit down and have a serious chat with the sperm donor... If the two of you can cobble together something mutually acceptable, build on it. If you can't, let him go find someone to whom he can be Mr. "Right" instead of Mr. "Right Now".
2007-11-05 07:18:50 · answer #6 · answered by jcurrieii 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You don't love the two guys-you love yourself more than you should have thought of doing things which contradict any decent way of life.
You are just looking for the thrill of sleeping with your former, without thinking the consequences of what may happen in the future.
The former may still be telling you sweet nothings-professing his undying love for you, but he just like to have a good time with you-as you also would like to do the same with him. Come on-don't play innocent, as if you are a confused person-no need to ask for any advice if you think and feel that you just wanted to 'bed with him'
Have you any respect for yourself? for the trust your husband is giving you, and the shame for your child? or your wholebody is shivering for the anticipated thrill of being with your former alone in one room?
That is the only scenario which occupies you...and also of him.
If he really loves you, he could have done so much in order to let you know his real feelings before your marriage, or even from your part even before you entered into the marital relationship.
Added to this, "you have already committed adultery in your mind", and still commit till now.
WAKE UP-you late bloomer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2007-11-05 05:20:53 · answer #7 · answered by nomar 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well ur stupid for doing what u did. Thats life and well we sometimes live and regret. Ur wrong if u leave ur current bf specially now with a baby but then again I would say follow ur heart and do as u wish. Its ur life afterall u can do whatever u want with it. Think of the consequences thought. What will ur daugther think of u when she grows old and finds out y u left her dad. I swear people loves drama and likes to create problems for themselves...
2007-11-05 05:11:20 · answer #8 · answered by 9ball 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The first thing you need to do is make yourself feel beautiful and not depend on somebody else to give it to you. Next you need to follow your heart and do what's best for you. You're just 21 and maybe your family saw something with the X that you couldn't. But I don't understand why you broke up with him for your current bf if he was so wonderful.
2007-11-05 05:09:56 · answer #9 · answered by Redbutter 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You can't tell the difference between love and caring.
You are still too young, but as you hurt people you will learn the difference eventually.
I pity the children that have to witness the process of a parent growing up.
2007-11-05 05:10:25 · answer #10 · answered by ★Greed★ 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋